Writers may need prune juice when stuck in writerly ruts. Vit C is being extolled on the radio today. But 5,000 mg of powered Vit C a day seems so exorbitant! Isn't acidosis a problem at that level? Unless all the acid is taken out, similar to Ester C, I dont know. The way this Dr. Pinkus was describing Vit C is such amounts to cure EVERYTHING from soup to nuts.
We all want to stumble upon the instant heaven. We want the dream to be set on hold and last forever. We dont want to forget our first time, or forget that really, what are we waking up too, shared destruction? Shouldn't life be more of the the Creative Kundalini forces than the Brahman forces. Yes, I know life is full circle, that everything, good and bad is suppose to balance out. So this means, by this statement, "balance out of good and bad, etc" the duality of life, makes us live in Limbo. I am sure there is a way to tweak this balance of life's wheel into a more successful ratio and maybe (this may not be legal by life's balancing methods)create a world with less negative and more positive. You just know, like the shifting poles, it will one day "flipflop", but in the meantime, things will be ok.
It gets difficult waking in the morning. The dreams hold me back, take me places, wonderful places, heaven in my dream world. Although I do have the nightmare around that time of what was once my time of month, but now I am not sure what to call it. Stop month...slow death onset? How do I handle this next phase in my life? Certainly I am not getting up early for no good reason to wonder why here. It must be something I have to say, and fast, because I feel my "time" is running out. Well, time here, anyway.
Take it or leave it, we really do share an awful lot of similarities, possibily more than differences. We are so alike. By very slight degrees of separation our worlds. It gives me reason to believe we are more connected than we think. You know this to be true from your causal studies. You did cross that bridge when you got to it, you've looked at "both sides now", and have seen the cosmic egg, so what did you think of it? Any recall now of these spiritula "ouevres" would be most kind. I think you could have hidden information you are not telling me. That's your perogative to remain silent. There is peace in silence. This may be the balance I need to my world full of light, love and possibilities.
We cage ourselves, wall ourselves up, defend our "self" fortress. We dont let other's in to our world, hidden, alone we lie dormant. We become life's doormat. We take on the side of our brain which halts creativity. We need to open up to the other world dreams and try to recreate that fantasy world here for all to benefit.
If we did not believe in dreams (I don't mean the one about Keith Richard either), by dreams I mean, our wish-fufillment, our longings, the way we want the world to be, the way we want our lives to unfurl, create, setup, design. We need this. We need creative input. We all need creative input and each one of us to feel like stars. Not just for a day but for ALWAYS.
You cannot keep you design trigger finger on the throttle of love's design without having an input. Obviously, it takes a great deal of love to have lasted this long. It may be that there is more intrinsic things happening besides the obvious. Undercurrents of predestiny. Or just piddling happenstance? Tripping over things I must admit, I have a skill at that, but I'd really rather have had much more a say as to my destiny; the way I would have wanted life to go, and how it should be.
It takes a great deal of struggle and prethought and determination and design and arranging and coordinating and DELIBERATE CONSCIOUSNESS to create a world that we really want to live in.
First, it should be a place we can call home. Where we feel comfortable, not threatened, at peace with outselves and others. The world we want to inhabit should be powerful because it must use the minds of many positive thinkers to make it work.
It has to have purpose, intent, success.
Purpose? In chaos how can life have purpose, and what kind of purpose? Who's purpose?
Your purpose? My purpose? Our purpose?
We must get rid of "they" thinking? No closed doors. We are all one big happy brain feeding the cosmic consious world and recreating life by our projections of thought. Some are obviously better at this than others.
We really have to work on Purpose. The purpose for our lives. The purpose in our being, individually and collectively. We must assume we have a purpose. Let's find it. Step One;
Purpose
Outline what your purpose is
Is it; Spiritual?
How?
Is it Physical?
How?
Is it Mental?
How?
Is it all of the above? How? and to how are each purposes balanced? 33.3% each?
It is wonderful to have this time with you. I always said I wanted to write to you, back then. Do you remember this? Do I remember more than you? YOu meant and mean more to me than I ever did to you. Maybe this means I am more spiritually fufilled because I FEEL MORE and SENSE MORE or DIFFERENTLY than you. You cannot understand this. Unless we lied to one another our feelings must be as we said they were, and this gives credence to the possibility that you did and do care what happens. Not only to me, but to your world, to everyone's shared realities. Although each reality is different the similarities are strikingly similar.
Why was I isolated from your heart? What made you feel I was not "worthy" of your love? Not evenly matched, not perfected? What? Be honest. What makes you say I couldnt be all that and a bag of potato chips? What sidelined my career? Does this give you a good and powerful feeling, like god? Wouldnt that be just the opposite? You had to shun me? This just doesnt make sense, sorry. I really did not know you, no I did not. I just thought I did. How, did I go so wrong?
That carrot before you must have made you leave me, look other directions. I must have been a joke. A trade off? A replaced part? How did the human EVER get so relegated? You created the disconnect so you could be with a better other? Oh my, I will never understand this, and it makes me think...how much more harm man does to man (or man to woman) than anything else. Unconditional love should ot play favourites. What was the orginal intent in the "woo" and dump? Is this the "one night stand" mentality of a thousand million? Is this the concept-driven machine? Even beavers have more of a loving nature than man. They know love, as do muskrats and other lesser forms of life. Why is this?
Being dumped emotionally is one thing, and the hardest thing that has ever happened to me because it shook my world, made me feel "inefficient", "unloved", "vacant". It was a shock to not have the emotional feedback I needed. It created in me a vacuum, a lonely place which will never be filled. When you love and do not receive that which you give for years you begin to question your being; whether or not you are ok and will ever be loved in the way you should be.
But this forever love thing is so Victorian. It rarely exists today. People are so greedy and carrot focused on the greener pasture. Without improving the love for love cost. It is expensive and the most valuable thing we have as human beings. You may think differently. This is probably why we are not together.
Would I go back to a place where my entire world was turned upside down? Where I questioned whether I was good enough to love? Where there was emptiness, loneliness, defeat?
Probably! Just to find out how stupid I had been and why. I dont know if people can change. If events present them to make people do this or that. I doubt that. I wanted so much more for you. I believed (and still do) in you. You are everything to me. I dont want you to loose that feeling, those feelings that I thought you had but were not, (maybe?). I just dont know who set you up for the love sting. It seemed not a natural thing. This is why I am freaked out today. I really don't know what to nelieve, if I was totally deceived; you are evil!Giving false love is like a false prophet, the enemy's bidding. Why did you sell your soul?
I am sorry if I made you feel today. But maybe this is just what you need. If ever there is a time, I hope you could tell me what the score. Toying with people is cruel and heartless. It is not fair. I had given my all only to say (metaphorically speaking) that my all was not good enough, that I was not deserving. I could have been told why and to be let down gradually, or with thought and intent. There was none of this only cruel treatment. I do not believe to this day that I deserved this.
Do you know understand why I have come back into your life? I want to close the door on the raw feelings I have bottled up inside for so many years. The pain, the hurt, the broken dreams. I was so easily dismissed dispensed, and ultimately, in my opinion, soul-destroyed. It is a sad and lonely place and I want remedy. I want to be told the reasons why I was not loved. Why I was a laughing stock. What made me the enemy to this socio-political agenda destruction? How many people get destroyed in this way. Who organizes it? And why?
Because of the lies I would never be able to love you, unless you say why and you are sorry and maybe...just maybe, the hurt would turn to love. It seems sort of S and M though, and I am not into that. Only true love. So maybe it wouldn't work out. I wish it would have back then. But...nah..it wasnt suppose to be...BUT DARN IT...WHY???I am expecting an answer soon.
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