Friday, February 27, 2009

Tibetan Buddhism Study: Nascent Student Questions

Studying Tibetan Buddhism; as a nascent student, I am finding how much I would love to adapt "This is all an illusion". That would make it so much easier to understand. That pure spirit is eternal (within) and nobody, no thing can touch that or manipulate the PURE STATE OF BEING.
Buddhism is a philosophy more than a religion. I really do not want to worship things, like statuary. Did to much of that as a Catholic. As a kid I use to stare up at the huge marble sculptures in various churches and cathedrals and I recall, either from not eating breakfast prior to Mass or something odd was actually happening. Statues move. I think that is what we all hope for when we are religious. That all of a sudden, sad Jesus looking down from the massive cross will smile gently as if saying "Don't worry, things are ok, I'm just acting now". I kinda like the idea of having sculpture or religious depictions away from where I pray because I get upset with others depiction of what I feel is not my actual experience of the spiritual.
For example, my folks had a very (I mean very) tacky Virgin Mary on the dresser in the spare bedroom. I just did not want to pray to this, as it wasnt at all pure enough. Now lets say the sculpture was by a famous religious sculpture, let's say GERMAIN PILLON, well then I may give leave of my distaste for poor religious sculpture and actually "get into" praying my prayers before a statute. But still I'd rather not. I dont mind a cross without a figure. I dont need to be reminded of the pain Jesus went through. I live it everyday with the martyr-syndrome I have managed to develop over the years. Yes, I have not been lucky in love or life. In some ways, yes, but in most ways, any good thing I worked for and they were "the crumbs beneath the table" not the feast on the table that is for sure.
Religion I respect. I respect other's religious independence. It is important. I believe if a person (or group) has a strong belief system, that is a good thing, IF it brings about good. If not, the religion becomes a cult and it is not good.
So philosophy works for me. I like the idea of strengthening the mind (which is the spirit) when it is able to exist and express itself in a free way, and how pure it is, and how lacking of anything in this world. The spirit/mind is an entity, I believe which is constantly trying to win the battle between the world here and the eternal now. It is this dualism which gives me understanding of a new to "shuffle off the mortal coil" to quote Shakespeare, and to become, like the human crysalis, a spiritual butterfly which we have always been, but are still waiting to emerge from the coccoon of life.
It would give me a strong feeling and good feeling (but feelings are not important in Buddhism?). Oh no, this so confuses me! I have studied HUMANIST Psychology and have learned that the emotions, feelings, etc are teachers. But I am told to go beyond feelings. But we have to somehow synthesize emotions, they do something, don't they? Emotions cannot be all bad? Unless we are unempathic I will find this so difficult, unless all of a sudden my spirit bursts forth and I have no need for this world. But yes, in the spirit sense, I can see how emotions (negative emotions) could become a GREAT DETERENCE to SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT.
Please understand, I am working on this. I am listening to YOutube Dalai Lama and other Lama's to get a feel for the meaning behind the philosophy. I like to put all the cards on the table. Nothing hidden. Will this be difficult. Probably. Lessons are incremental. You dont go from here to there in 2.2 seconds. I expect this. I must learn patience and become slow as the turtle and deliberately slow. What should I do to slow down. I would love to slow What is the right method here?
Anyway, I praise you and thank-you for you helping me get to the next level in my spiritual attainment of purity of spirit and wonderous of being so I can pass this on to the next person, and so on and so on....Great Philosophy and it has always really been fascinating to me.
When I was a young girl (Grade Seven) my grandmother gave me $5.00 for a Christmas present. That was a lot for my grandma. She lived through the depression era and ever cent was important.
I really wanted for a long time a Buddha woman sculpture. I did not know the name of the buddha. I never knew there were women buddhas. I thought "groovy" (it was the sixties) The brass sculpture was found in a kiosk in the Mall in Toronto where I grew up.
"Oh look how gentile this peaceful! How perfect, how elegant" It also was an incence burner and being that it was the sixties, I thought "how cool!". I really liked the idea of the peaceful look on this woman's face and she was really beautiful and I just felt like she gave me a good feeling. So I got it and told my Catholic grandma. She wasnt upset that I purchase something that may be concerned "idolatry", as Catholics have lots of sculptures around the church. It isnt that we worship the statue, it is the power that we worship and the sculpture is a tool to get to the God in a faster way, as a reminder. All in all, I think that anything that can remind of to become spiritual is a good thing. Just not tons of the stuff. It can get very easily overwhelming and conflicting, at least I find this to be true. It is like sensory overload. I already am too sensitive and need less and less reminders. Really, well maybe I do know that I am getting older and I am getting my forgetful as my brain is shrinking with age. NOt fun!.
Only my born again Christian babysitter did not like the fact that she thought the buddha was a "idol" and she swiftly went to the garbage shute. I did not know this. When she told me this, I was very sad, but since I try not to be material, I put it behind me. I could always get another, if I really felt the need. Really the female buddha reminded me of the strength of my grandmother, and the beauty and grace that she was, living as a widow, going through life alone.
I had remembered a friend in University who had a roomie who was a buddha. The chi was really good, and either it was the Kung Fu movies (with David Carradine) I was watching each Saturday in the 70's or it was the atmosphere, I felt like I was walking on hallowed ground in the place where he lived (the Buddhist monk). I felt blessed to know these people in my spirit, and I can truly say this; I know you even though I have never met you. I am not talking looking at a picture either. I just know people before I meet them. I have dreamt of them, we know each other from our dreams. It is amazing! I have instant "connect" with people. Some more than others. I definitely feel the Dalai Lama is very close are the other Lama's and Buddhists I have met. I really feel like I can live in a better world when I am around them. I think I am "drinking in their bountiful spirit, of peace and love". It is a good feeling and I so want to be taught as I have been wanting to be taught for almost, forever!jajo

Random Job Generator - tm and patent pending

A Landscape Company

a telephone company
(no need to explain here, we all get the name)

an answering service OPERATED by and for harried and menopausal housewives

(I wonder what this company does?)

(plastic surgeon's botox company)

The Other Life
A serial soap opera about the other life the actors would have had if they didnt land the soap opera jobs

A reality show about real life down and outers (so called "loosers") who make it by the skin of their teeth, and extreme makeovers as CEO's of Fortune 500 companies

5th Avenue Store selling (what else) U2's old shoes

A book about corn beef hookas

The Mysterious Micky Finn
The Whodunit about Micky Finn's Micky Finn

Monday, February 23, 2009

Now About The Visions From Loving Sentient Beings

Thank-you today for your projected love visions! I think while meditating today with eyes closed I saw in my field of vision wonderful blue (between cerelean and brazil blue) and then I was a round and green pomegrante-like tomate round fruit being offered and I could taste it's healing power. Then I saw a moose that turned into a cute Mongolian pony! Thank-you! I'll have to learn how to talk with visions too. I try that with the animals, that is how they think, but to project for that far...that takes an art form! You are wonderfully talented ppl. I want to show you something about a real picture with some sentient beings. It is interesting if you want I'll show you, it is the first time I have seen how this happens. Also I remember more angel like monks with white doves over their heads wearing red robes with orange (what are they called) prayer shawls. Beautiful angels and floating and then looked like baby Jesus all light around and floating the same way. Is this a merger of religions, or what! Cool! jajo

Why I Want To Be A Student of Tibetan Buddhism

1. I would like to be a student of Buddhism because I like the spirit of Buddhist, they are peaceful, loving, giving and graceful. Buddhists have meaning and reason in their lives. They live to help others.\

2. I'd like to travel to spiritual sites and be taught by spiritual people.

3. I'd like to learn the various arts that are prevalent in the Buddhist tradition; I'd love to learn esoteric/mysterious truths of the masters.

4. I'd like to conquer life and become a spiritual warrior. I want to live with purpose and meaning and to be of help to people.

5. I'd love to be the real me. Not some carbon copy or some less than who I could be me. I want to know the spirit behind me or within/without me. I want to know who exactly is the sentient being that takes residence within my soul.

6. I'd like to become gifted and produce art with meaning and purpose. I want to appreciate the small things and see beauty in a leaf of grass.

7. I'd like to solve problems that befall the earth. I'd like to get divine help to do this. I want to evoke the essence of being and reconnect with this force forever and enjoy forever now.

8. I'd love to hook up with old friends and beings on the otherside and laugh again!

9. I'd like to do the impossible and find the impossible possible.

10. I'd love to bring out the best in everyone and thing.


About my Religious Experience

About my Religious Experience

I am Catholic,baptized, confirmed but feel I am not spiritually accepted for some reason. I think it has to do with an incident going back to Gr 8 when I was promised to be able to read the 2nd Reading at Mass at 11:00 am Sunday.

To this day, my heart aches with regret as I was told I could not read the Reading as I was a girl.
I really felt like I was a "child of a lesser god". I dont see what my having to be a girl (now a woman) has or had anything to do with being able to read a sermon on the altar.

I guess I will have a hard time dealing with this, as I felt the way it was handled was not fair. I did not go back to the church on Sundays because I felt cheated. I will give respect to those of spirit, who are honestly deserving of that honour. However, I felt my honour as a woman (girl) was shaken and abruptly disrupted my spiritual centre. In this way I have a big gapping hole in my spiritual heart.

Today I feel that there is a cult to religiousity and this is a sin. It is something which makes me gag. I feel if the Monsieugneur was an man of spirit, he would have lead me to Christ, not away from him. Although, I did have remembrances of him, thinking he is like kin, being Irish, being like my grandfather, driving a caddy. But I felt that there was nothing that made him spiritually inferior.

The problem with religions is that they have a heirarchial system which I feel is sometimes a block to a true spiritual path. I feel that if I am to reach out to a religion and they reject me again, I might as well be called "Capstone" (The capstone the builder rejected became the Lords).

So I guess I am trying to say, I want to follow a religion but I will never be a sheeple blindly following a cult. A cult is obvious, as it does not teach from scripture, it does not bring forth a renewal of spirit or fellowship.

If I join a religion (I am still Catholic because I want to believe it gets better all the time, but it must try to include rather than exclude layety). I dont know if I could be a multiplicity of religions. I just dont like the word "religion" I prefer "spiritual" and "enlightened".

My happiest times in my life have been when I have felt totally accepted and loved. I feel the "zen" feelings I feel, being in the "now", achieving spiritual gifts, giving freely, loving dearly, laughing, being in the flow, finding the Truths, all these are important to me.

I want to believe that we are more than we think we are. That the universe is limitless. That we have a purpose and a destiny. That we can make the world heaven, or at least as close to heaven as possible.

We need to find out how. We need to discover our roots of our soul and find where we truly belong, spiritually speaking, and to stay in that wonderful flow as long as we can and to make it last as long as time eternal never ending soul life.

Sending peace and love blessings to fill forever your neverending divine universe of light and Love.

Amazing Synchronistic Events and the Reason as to why they are here

There is more to report on the Synchronistic front. Yesterday some special things happened to me. My son mentioned Peter Max the artist, if I knew of the artist because he knows someone who has some prints of his. I said yes! I had the book Yellow Submarine by Peter Max. As I was watching tv last evening, channel surfing as usual, I noted a show with Larry King and Bill Clinton speaking about Peter Max's retrospective! Also, another incident. A program on reaching Mt Everest after I had contacted Shambala ppl a Buddist retreat. Also it was more than synchronicity when I talked to masters online FB and told the master about seeing a vision upon awakening from a nap yesterday. I saw a white fuzzy cloud fog and then I saw a sitting Buddha sitting lotus position on a map. It was cartoonish and looked like Confusious (sp?) and another Buddha was than came through imposed from the othe Buhhda. There was a red hand on the bottom of this art as if a signature from the master. Odd this! I wonder if I was receiving from the sentients? I love it! It is so cool meditating. I sleep a lot cause I have a bad back and I need to strengthen, as I feel very weak with the unusal nature of my being. I worry about...something I dont know. I wish I didnt have to feel so much anxiety lately. My change of life is wierd and I think I know why we may be feeling anxiety. Something cosmic is going to happen or will happen in the near future. I have a theory that I am working on in regards to how to stop us going into a black hole. I am not kidding. It is about blue light energy and magnetics. It is heavy but I think we have unknown powers from times ago, maybe when the sun was different, or our dna was not split (was a circle)...i wish that I had the means to afford proper I'd really like to be a herbologist.

February 23, 2009 5:36 AM

chiccoreal said...
Synchronistic events could be an indicator our galaxy is going into a black hole. This could explain why things are so hard to do lately. It is the SE (synchronistic events) that may be an indicator of the eventuality of this phenomena. I dont mean to freak anyone out. I think all the powerful minds in the world could get together. But if the next world is better, why worry about this world? Because we can. The creator has given us powers we have not yet realized or realized long ago when the world was different. Maybe the sun was a different energy that promoted rather than harmed man. Maybe our dna was a circle rather than a broken circle as it is now. Maybe with the ancient knowledge we could do something about this. I have something that we could do about this, a plan. But who would listen to me? Why would they? I certainly would be laughed at if I applied for a science grant. They really only wanted "yes" people (people who never question the status quo). We need to always question, this is good. It is in questioning that we find the answer and hopefully, arrive one day at the Truth.

February 23, 2009 5:45 AM

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Charactrization Workshop

Today you will play a 50 year old woman who is going (went) mad. You will tell all your friends you will be the prototypical menopausal woman without black cohosh. You will find yourself on the otherside of life and have continual flashbacks of the 60's and 70's. You will find your world more real there. You will take up Ikea fashions and books on Interior design from the 70's. You will find refuge in bygone days because today there is unstable electromagnetic flux which disrupts the temporal displacement (thanks Lost) and it is getting stronger. Or something like that. Hey that isnt characterization, that is reality. Ok lets make a less real scenario....

I really think any characterization you would offer me would be easier to do than my own existence in the here and now. Ok let's try a characterization I'd like, a real life scenario for a has-been dried up old prune hag. Lets think glamour for awhile. Ok, you are a ravishing beauty, star material, everyone melts when you enter a room. Or you are a street person, and everyone avoids your gaze. And everything in between. Again, the characterizations get down to a stereotype. What is needed here is some positive icons for a mad woman. A place where the shrivelled up brain can reboot, and can not shrinky dink anymore. (this statement is in response to the unusual Doctors show on tv. It was really contraversial. One guest doctor stated all menopausal women are "mad". There ovaries shrivel up to a peanut and hormones beome toxic, the brain shrinks and dries up. Shocking, and I said to myself "Why don't I shoot myself now?" At the same time I said this out loud, the female regular doctor on Doctors berated the guest male doctor. I said "Yeah, come on woman, fight for our rights" And she did! I was so happy about that! I feel like writing an email to her to say THANKS, Medicine Woman! Thank-god the regular female doctor commented upon the guest doctors mengelian statement and won the argument about no such thing as a "toxic" hormone(s). Man that was the first time I have ever seen a doctor actually uphold human rights. (please read my multi CPSO articles from circa l994 shooting incident). I started a group called ETOWME ETHICAL TREATMENT OF WOMEN EVERYWHERE and basically this group started because of sexist commercials on tv which started to make me feel ill after the subconsious messages kicked into the conscious mind, it was a real kicker. And yes, the commercials in question were pulled. Thank God! More documentation on this upon request. jajo

Wierd Moon...I knew it, and dreamt it was or has a multi dimensionality to it, as has Will

Published online 12 February 2009 | Nature | doi:10.1038/news.2009.100


The Moon reveals its weirder side
SELENE mission reports on gravity anomalies.

Katharine Sanderson

Gravity highs (red) and lows (blue) on the Moon (Lunar nearside right, farside left)ScienceResults from the Japanese space agency's SELENE mission to the Moon are revealing details about why the lopsided lump of rock orbiting Earth is so unbalanced.

The SELENE (Selenological and Engineering Explorer, or Kaguya) mission was launched in September 2007 to gather detailed geological information about the Moon. The results are published in Science1,2,3,4.

Because the Moon has no atmosphere or weather to speak of, its geology has remained almost unchanged since it formed. So unpicking its structure could offer information about how the early Solar System — including Earth — developed. But the Moon has some unusual traits that have so far proved tricky to study: its gravity and the thickness of its crust vary from the near side that faces Earth to the far side.

Gravity from afar
The Moon spins on its axis once per Earth orbit, so the same side always faces Earth. To get information from the far side of the Moon relayed to Earth is difficult, because the Moon itself blocks the line of sight back to Earth. To get round this problem, SELENE has one satellite close to the Moon to collect data, and a companion sub-satellite in a much higher orbit to relay that information back to Earth.

A team led by Noriyuki Namiki from Kyushu University in Fukuoka, Japan, measured the Moon's variable gravity, in particular around impact craters on the far side. As the gravity changes, the main satellite is drawn closer or pushed farther away from the Moon. This in turn affects the frequency of the signal sent from the satellite to the sub-satellite.

Impact crater basins on the near side of the Moon, says Namiki, can display characteristic plateau-shaped areas of unusually high gravity ('positive anomalies') and denser rock, called mascons. "On the far side, we don't find mascon-like signatures. Instead, there are concentric rings of positive–negative–positive gravity anomalies over the basins," he says.

As the basins on the far side are not dense mascons, their regions of high gravity demand another explanation. Namiki thinks such areas have denser material just under their crust — suggesting that the mantle underneath has been lifted up and compressed. "We assume the crust-boundary is shallower [than was previously thought]," Namiki says.

This kind of mantle uplift would be seen now only if the far side of the early Moon contained a rigid outer layer (crust and mantle) to support the basin, the authors say. And this layer would only stay rigid if the far side was cooler than the near side, where basins are more deformed.

"That's very exciting," says Maria Zuber, a geophysicist from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, adding that the question of why the far side is cooler needs more study.

Mapping the gravity field on the far side of the Moon for the first time is the "most transformative piece of information" that the SELENE mission has provided, Zuber adds. "What they have managed to find is that there are differences between the near and far side. It underscores and quantifies the asymmetry of the Moon."

Volcanic differences
In another SELENE study, Takayuki Ono and his colleagues from Tohoku University in Sendai probed the Moon's subsurface layers using radar. "As there is no water at the surface of the Moon, radio waves can penetrate into the upper part of the Moon crust, probably up to a few kilometres," says Yasushi Yamaguchi, a member of the team.

On the near side of the Moon, the team looked at a characteristic flat, dark basaltic plain, the Mare Serenitatis, or 'sea of serenity'. Several hundred metres below the surface the group spotted a thin layer of loose debris sitting between thick basaltic lava. The debris suggests that the Moon enjoyed a 'quiet period' in terms of volcanic activity, between 3.55 billion and 2.84 billion years ago, the researchers think.


In the 1970s the Apollo missions used a similar radar instrument and found thin layers down to a depth of kilometres in select regions. But SELENE's data did not reveal this deep layer, which Yamaguchi says may be down to the fuzzier resolution of Apollo's radar sounder.

SELENE has also taken pictures of areas with volcanic activity on the far side, and allowed these volcanoes to be dated by the number of impact craters seen there. The data suggest volcanic activity continued until 2.5 billion years ago.

Ben Bussey, a planetary scientist from the Applied Physics Laboratory at Johns Hopkins University in Laurel, Maryland, says that the topography mapping from SELENE, especially at the poles, will "be very useful in planning future lunar missions".

Zuber is principal investigator of NASA's Gravity Recovery and Interior Laboratory mission set to launch in 2011, which will map the Moon's gravity in greater detail. "We'll be able to go after fundamental questions, such as does the Moon have a solid core surrounded by liquid," she says. "This is a golden age of lunar exploration."

Araki, H. et al. Science 323, 897-900 (2009). | Article | ChemPort |
Namiki, N. et al. Science 323, 900-905 (2009). | Article | ChemPort |
Haruyama, J. et al. Science 323, 905-908, (2009). | Article | ChemPort |
Ono, T. et al. Science 323, 909-912 (2009). | Article | ChemPort |

Random Thoughts On Design

1. I like the randomness of the random questioning. Hope you can garnish some idea as to my perky personality. It really is amazing to find randomness so contagious. Everyone is doin' it, doin' it, pickin' their nose and chewin' it, chewin' it. What other kids songs did I sing in the school yard? Do you remember; "The worms crawl in the worms crawl out; there's one little worm that ain't so shy he goes in your nose and pops out your eye!" or "behind the iron curtain (you can tell I lived during the red scare)there was a piece of glass, Alice stepped upon it and hurt her little ass me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies and this is the end of Alice and all her dirty, lie, lie, lies!" or do you remember this The thunder roared the lightening flashed and Janie put her tail between her legs to save her bacon! or this one; Dont grumble or grouse, all over the house or treat your missus by yawnin', you'll find it worth your while to give her a smile when gettin' up in the morning.

2. oh that was random! I was on the topic of design and got sidetracked to school yard fodder. I regress! Design templates of the designer variety. Oh yes, what style do I like, as far as interior design is concerned. Well I am really into Ikea. Yah, I like lots of book shelves and 60's prints. I am totally into the California laid back look. I dont really think I have a formal bone in my body now. I gave up that when I lost the silverware in Wawa. I mean, I don't really need to impress anybody. Thank god!

3. Yes for awhile i was into the country look, or french country provincial, and still do like fresh white daisies and wood, stone, natural surfaces, 70's style too. I like that because it reminds me of my dream to become a psychologist and I always thought all psychologists live in the 70's. Ok, I had a lava lamp, and guess what? I left it in Wawa and all kitchen stuff because; you wont believe this, but right during the move (my kid wont want me to say this) but...she sort of ran away. She didnt want to go back to civilization as we know it. It really was messed up that move and I think I left half of my stuff up in that place. I really did like Wawa. When we first got there. But headhunters came out of the woods and this wierd cult evolved from the rancours and I felt, oh my god is that bin laden or bin laden in white river? Honestly that place was really f'd up. It was so evil. Not all the ppl. It was just so controlled and that made it like this; if you were not selected to live there, you might as well run into the woods and "let the blackflies get ya" because honestly you didnt have an honest hope in hell to survive the brutal attack of not being "family". Although I thought I was in Canada, apparently not. I still miss my art portfolio left behind with the Greg Curnoe print, Fuck!jajo

Random Things: 25 All: Not to be confused with Random Thoughts of the Inappropriate and Embarrassing Nature

25 Random Things in my life

1. 3 kids 2m 1 f, 1 hub 1 dog, 1 major 3 minor cats, 2 turtles.

2. rent house/chalet

3. pursuing ideas for ideas sake; solving stubborn problems, inventing things, organizing things, helping people by way of everyday mom sainthood, belief in the impossible as possible

4. belief the system can change with the first effort, networking, meeting. Belief I can and will change for the better

5. my favourite colour is periwinkle

6. my favourite musician of all time is moody blues or chopin or mozart or beatles or elton john or santana.

7. my favourite place is california somewhere (heck it looks beautiful) but I like the muskoka's too, and bc, west coast and east coast and some places in the middle except Ohio which is way too flat for me. I need rolling hills or I get an extreme case of agoraphobia. Visitations. The Day The Earth Stood Still. That sort of thing, parlay? Stop the monkey in the machine. What monkey? Oh the typos are not of my subconscious, but rather Dave from HAL.

8. my favourite day is wednesday I love hump days. (sic). I mean I love Fri's but they all blend now into one big TGIF. You are probably jealous of my lifestyle. I am no longer an indentured servant, but rather a dentured savant. (joke)

9. my favourite food is mashed potatoes. No it isnt. It use to be. Plus as a kid I'd only eat fat. Today I have more refined tastes. King Crab legs, in butter? Red, red wine from Tuscany where I dreamed I had the same honeymoon you did and love has to go along with the food or it just isnt edible. The Edible Man and The Edible Woman was an actual tv program in the 70's. That was WAY ahead of its time!

10. my favourite european place would be England, Ireland, France, Italy, Spain.
I also want to go to Barlow's mystic places and go to all of these places which give off "good vibes". I still feel California would do this for me, however, and I heard (via Barlow's places from Art Bell show years ago)that Mount Shasta is one of those places.

11. my favourite animal is a dog, cat fawn dog. I love the idea of having a pug, or bullbog or westie or chichuahua or pyrennes (belle and sebastian fame) a collie, belgian shepherd, any dog really. I would love them if they loved me. Cats come a close second, but I feel a dog really feels deeply and they will pine to death some dogs like the Irish wolfhound that would make me cry because they only live 7 years. It was bad enough the teddy bear hampster when he croked at 2.

12. favourite historic time; ancient greece, I would like to find a real life marble god who would wait on me and feed me grapes in Crete. Wouldnt you?

13. favourite romantic novel; definitely not Jane Austin. She was so much of a wimp of a writer, she couldnt say honestly "hey, these Edwardian men are treating me like chattel; i hate this way of life" Certainly Austin would not get any magic brownie points from Alice B. Toklias' Gertrude Stein "A rose is a rose is a rose.". I really do love the Frankenstein book by Mary Shelley, and Romantic poetry as well, John Keats in particular.

14. favourite time of day. Not noon I hate noon and must sleep during the epogee. It is keenly insulting to my well being, getting dizzy when I hang laundry at this time of day. I have recently to seista's at noon, do as the Mexicans do, and relax and enjoy my much need nappy poo. Oh ya I forgot to say my favourite time of day is dusk on a summer evening, or early morning when the sunrises. I love the sunrises and sunsets, and get more done in the morning than at night. It makes me a morning person. Yes I love walking on the beach (jogging) in the a.m. It is zen like and wonderful.

13. favourite house design. Chalet style. Viceroy. This has changed. I use to love old farmhouses. I still do love the Victorian as I get along with that style as I was a pact rat. I have found contemporary now, Feng Shui. Clearing the clutter to get on with life seems better. I still am clingy to the past. What's with that?

14. Favourite person in the world that I have known; My Mom and Dad. They are one entity as they always make decisions together which use to really bug me as a kid but which I totally respect now as there is no division of power. Dad and Mom move as a smooth stream and really have been kind even though I'll never get the gap thing down. It is like this; each have the own unique qualities which I totally appreciate. It is been life sustaining, even though I felt somewhat the less preferred black sheep of the family, I guess I deserved it.Spoiled brat baby of the family. Maybe one day I'll get my act together!

15. Favourite person not in the family; Who'd that be? Well I have a lot of angelic friends through the years that helped me. They were honest, kind, funny, sensitive, giving. You know who you are; no need to spruce the goose. You are in my friends book if you really want to know. Thanks, friend! BFF!

16. Favourite boyfriend; maybe I better be careful here. No names as above. If I dont say my current; yikes! I guess I have this dream image life and dream image boyfriend (Ken doll did not help here). I guess my longest boyfriend (no I dont mean that way, but maybe?) who really took the time to put up with me for 4 or 5 years. I guess I should have (in hindsight) tried to get him to love me more. How could I have competed with those younger babes...forget it! I need to feel needed but not needy. Very precarious balance one must learn. To all you out there on 1 1/2 hands; well you were all my favourites in your way. You still mean the world to me and I cherished the time I had with you. If you or me are ever single again, and you have matured; I'll ring ya. (that will be a blue moon, but hey we had a two blue moons in one month this past year).

17. Favourite subject in school. You mean the one I aced without trying or the one I sucked at after giving it my all? Well it would be Visual Arts my favourite, and then I was too darn good in sociology. I love physics but totally sucked and dumbed down by it, and failed Physics three times with Mr. Paterson. Mr. Paterson why did you hate me so?

18. Favourite hobby; biking. Oh I love to bike. Grab the old Fuji and go! Must be a racer. Freedom baby. I loved those days. I love other things too of course, in particular, exercise, when i can find space to do them. I have an elliptical orbitex and I can go a long time on that now if I hold my pee in.

19. Favourite actor. Of all time. In the female category I really love Bette Davis. I really love Marlon Brando. Today's stars dont have much chutzpah, although, Meryl Streep is darn good, and Liam Nelson and Gangdolf the Gray (you know who I mean).

20. Favourite dessert; Chocolate Mouse or creme brule. Although I have never tried creme brule I know I would love it because I love warm Jello butterscotch pudding you make from scratch (stove top method). Reminds me of home, that and lasagna and damn my mom is a good cook, and Mom's chicken soup, never tasted better!

21. Favourite tree; blue spruce tree. I cant believe how well they grow and they are so good for the environment. One grew over our septic tank and it was HUGE. I was hoping I could grow a few zillion redwoods (giant sequoias) here. We need to plant more trees! Birch is nice too.

22. Favourite flower of all time; red rose. Reminds me of my first love. But I do like gerbera daisies. Love daisies. And ferns, boston ferns. Love tall grasses and vegtable gardens, especially grow tomatoes well. Have problems with knowing enough about gardening but am an avid learner and love horticulture. Like to grow things that actually grow well and works with the environment. Like organic farming.

23. Favourite holiday of all time; Christmas with Easter a close second. Love to make these holidays extend into a very long life long holiday.

24. Favourite tv program; Lost. Love Lost. It is so keen. And now I like Miss Dorset. (Just saw it last evening, great British acting and imaginative plot.

25. Favourite Person In My Life: You Are! I mean that! Without you I dont exist, or dont really want to! You are Love! Fantastic, eh?

The Number 7 of Randomness, Irreverent to Reverends and as usual, totally Inappropriate

7. Did I forget the number seven? Lucky number 7? Black Cat gum! No way! Hey, you know it, you know it, you got it, you got it. Give it to me, give it to me. Before you start beginning to think I am now writing romance novels, well, I am. Just have a hard time doing it. Pardon the pun. Seven truly is the joie de vivre number. Although I am plagued with 8's in my numerological birth pattern, I do know that 7 is heaven and I'd rather have heaven than eternity. No wonder we dont get along, I really am too random for a scientist. Although I do appreciate the random generation of numbers could conceivably be the reboot scientists need to appropriate keen scientific eureka moments. Sure you have had lots of those since I left you. You were an artist still are in your concise precision and you are so gifted. I appreciate that, as I always have. Science is king, and I am queen. Or is it the other way around? Really, what has you life been like since the early 80's? I often wondered. I dont know how "all let go" and "I let go of the one thing that would save me (as if I need saving, although I am told this constantly). Sure I have acceptance, now. In myself. You would appreciate this fine tuning. I am sure it is, and has been, (god i feel like a hasbro hasbeen). Seriously, I'd like to reconnect, but you know I dont know if you'd like that. I may harm you again because I want to smother you in love your cheeks are that fat. No I dont know, what happens when I love to much. It may mean...ok here is Apollo, dont eat him. Let him enjoy his desserts and move on. YOu cant possible hold onto a pocket god or goddess. It isnt possible. Those golden birds that hit your window and are a sign from God really do belong in another reality, maybe not one you can control or own. I guess that's it. I wanted to own you, possess you, keep you forever my pocketman. You know who you are, you are all that, you really are, and were the centre of my Youniverse. As you know. Today, I appreciate my separate divinity and really respect that. Then I merged things too much. Now I see the divisions and try to respect these and give the individual artist space. Space being within and without. Just let's get together sometime soon, I just won't drown you this time! Seven Heaven you were and are, always, amd forever more! jajo

The final 25 Irreverant, Inappropriate and Too Random (7 to follow, I forgot 7)

25. The number twenty-five conjures up in me random thoughts such as; being married for 25 years. Although I am married spiritually for 27 years, I must say it is not in the tradional way my little girl Jane wanted. It is a compromise. I didnt grab that brass rail (thank-god) I remember that was a VERY tacky bar in London, skanky. I have never been there thank goodness. To this date I read from the LFpress all kinds of news reports about obscene behaviour there. East ender. It was a place to avoid. Accept for my musician cum husband by proxy (I will tell you what that means later). Leonard Long did play the east end circuit. He did play the local cable tv music which played over and over again until you could sing Proud Mary backwards. I guess I wanted to attach to the music. I jump never realized musicians should never be married because they are competitive, egocentric, albeit, and to be fair, way too spiritually inclined to ever touch the earth. Marriage by proxy sounds so romantic for me it is not. I wanted more than anything to be married all my life. I wanted that "White Wedding" (not the kind Billy Idol extols). I wanted commitment because I wanted divine love to last forever. I wanted to be one on one (mono et mono) with my hub. I wanted all of it. I wanted it now (then). What happened? Well, I lived with a musician in a cheap Westmount flat. Ok the Emerald Towers (sounds so Arthurian fantasy; it wasnt). Although it was a far cry from my life in the Cantebury Towers where my musician prince rescued me, or actually let me have the feel for my own pad. And then I got pregnant. So what to do? The parents hated my musician boyfriend as most of my boyfriends. Why? Catholic guilt. I dont know. NOt appropriate for Jane. Who cares. At 25 I settled down to the life I wanted. So the dream...of the white picket fence actually did come true, by proxy. We were (still are) of varient religions, he being Anglican and me being Catholic. I asked the minister to marry us. He said no. I just never questioned why no. I thought maybe I was satan or something, or not good enough for the church (whichever one, it is the same although). Nonetheless, 25 meant a huge failure for me. I just wasnt going to ever experience the joys of proper martial (martial arts?)relationship. Crack! Snap!Pop!
Not fair! Musicians are fickle (from my direct experience). They are way too sensitive and are usually extremely set in their ways. Luckily I know how to drive this "set" out of stubborn gig artist. I like to "mix" it up. Make it happen. Life in those bars, watching the hub gig away, was ok. It wasnt fun when I was called up to sing in public without notice the tune by Ian and Sylvia Tyson "Four Strong Winds" at Canada day. And then to have a nasty letter from SOCAN because of royalty rights. Hey! It was volunteer SOCAN! It was pro bono, free, free, free. (as I am afraid most of my life has been as a latent hippy). So nonetheless; musicians if they dont play music ARE NO LONGER HUMAN. It has been this blight that has lasted years. I must put a guitar in my hubs hands or I know what is next. I personally need it too, so dont feel bad Leonard Long. Five Man Electical Band has nothing on you (and I mean nothing!). Signs, signs, everywhere are signs! There are some good times when the music biz was beginning to take off then the guys from the Latin Quarter wanted to pull a Frank on our kybossed career. It was front page news the musical miracle genius/professor from McGill. But I would never know that glory. No not at all. It was all so what? You're a professor! To me professors were always one step down from godhood. What happened to this man? He became too human with the foible of human weakness shining thruugh, which in my mind is a good thing now. Touching base being best! Gigs at the old navy bars were a riot, literally. I met my first murderer there. Please let me not hold the guitars all night whilst accosted by dregs of societial psychopathology. Nor carry 7 foot speaker columns with Rory during blaring snowstorms in Clinton. Mitchell did warm my heart, however. I take it the on the road musician lifestyle really isnt Jajo style. Although I can relate to JD Fortune's misfortunes, I realize JD just didnt have much choice. He would be born and reborn a musician. That ain't so bad! Just not what I ever thought possible, or remotely conceiveable. jajo

Totally Random and Inappropriate Thoughts on Feelings 20-25

20. First random thought of the day is usually attached to my dream life with Liam Neeson. Oh my gosh, he is so Celtic! Yes, I love to think I could connect on some intrinsically spiritual level, like a celtic design pattern, melting souls so. Well that is the romantic in me (on my nother's side). My father's side with the Irish roots really makes me feel...well...unsure. I have never really known any Irish people considering my family was prototypical Irish roots. But the roots were old I suppose, from the potatoe famine times of the mid 1800's. We were farmers as most were, and we were earthy. I dont know how much Druid would be left in the Christianized Irish, but I think the superstition thing did invade my life somewhat. If I really had this luck thing down, I am sure I would have won last nights 649 39 million, no matter! It is going up to 48 million on Saturday! haha! The Luck O' the Irish!!! Wish I knew THAT! hahah! Yes, well, I do have the pursuant dream of the writer, but to be honest, James Joyce was way to brash for me. I mean, he is just plain RUDE! I mean that is rather funny, the brits, they have this nature of funny baseness in their lingo which makes me "laugh my head off backwards". hahah! LMAO!!
Well, the culture is still so rich in nuiance, I love that. The old country cultures seem to have contact with those pithy roots of our base human nature. There is a definite honesty there which I TOTALLY appreciate! Liam and Jim Morrison present to me that soul-connection which NEVER LETS GO. If you have sex with either I am sure you will continue to have sex with them for at least 10 more generations of reincarnation. I hope this time I could get JIm off the horse! lol, jajo

21. Oh not a very random number for me, 21! I think I love 21. NOt just blackjack, but every other form of random number generations that appear Lucky. On the luck thing. I am not a wimpadelic "I'll pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today". NO not at all! Although luck is for wimps! I mean, really!!! You know it is like this; you believe you are going to win, and then...nothing! It is not easy when you think you have conjured all the green rabbits feet from The Beaver restaurant or magic flashlights from Pink Elephant popcorn and put your own particular "hex" on the numbers only to find all this for naught! Yes, I beleive there is a time and place for those numbers to "let go" and release their "luck to you". Good luck, my friends to you, please rub my magic green rabbit foot! (that sounds gross, excusez!), ja jo

22. Contrarily, the next thing which is odd ball is that the lucky numbers next bankroll are usually unlucky as heck and the generational numbers movement can make all luck negateable. As if you win with 2121 and then when the numbers turn to 2222 you have this incredible bad luck, much worse than any good luck fostered by 2121!!! What IS with that? Not wanting to be superstitious, (I cant help that I am, being Irish roots and all) know it will happen one day. You wake up and say "Do I feel lucky (do I?)...and yes you do. You pull the right strings that day. You win the purple panda bear (yes I did at the a CNE). I had that "intuitive" knowing that that "string" would pull that bear and he "would be mine, forever". I also prayed to win the bear from St. John and this is really wierd, but I was always sort of scared of that won purple panda bear. (sounds like Mister Rogers program whom I adore). Yes, it is true, luck exists in some unknown entity. That is why people always say "be careful what you wish for" it can have 2222 consequences. It is simply Newtonian "cause and effect". The nature of Equal and Opposite reactions. Thankyou Mr. Newton from Cambridge! Lovely!!!Once I figure it out, I can enjoy the multimillions with total hedonistic abandon, but then again, look what careless abandon can do to the likes of a sungod like Jim? OMG I dont want to think about Icarus factor, flying too close to the sun. It is fateful, and cathartic denounement of a favourite Homerian play. Tragedy or Comedy or a combo? Will you have fries with that or that bag of potato chips from the potatoe famine. How is this possible? Help needed here!:)

23. Well, ya, it is always the same, I put the cat out, the cat wants in. Life is like that. Cause and effect. 23 is rather an odd number for me. I was suppose to be married by 23. Of course this didnt happen. But I so wanted it to happen. I wanted to be married at 23 because, my parents were married at 23. I wrote a poem "I bought a guitar at 24" which I did. I think the guitar pursuit was the beginning of telling myself "I will never be married at 23, so just forget ever being married". The fairy marriage nymphs obviously did not sprinkly my head with love dust enough to make my stoic boyfriend to marry me. I waited, as in the desert of waiting forever. Nothing. Nope, nothing. I wasted years not knowing that this relationship would be anything. I lingered longer, languishing in the fact I would be forever a "Miss" or "Missed". What was I thinking? That a "knight in shining armour" that my "prince would come" usually and that I would be forever, forever loved as a divine light being; honoured worships, lavished upon, treated as a star quality, with many honourariums issued for feats of wonder that I am. Cut the crap! Life sucks now! We arent Druid witches making things happen. There's not this instanteous, "we can have anything we think we can have". How naive. I realized this naivity far too late. I was, seriously, living in a dream world where all wonder would unfold the red carpet before my gargantuan feet as I strode lightfooted without leaving a footprint on the red carpet of lust and greed need. Yes, it was delusional my Salvador Dali world, and because I started to believe the fantasy, oh so tragic, overall. I have gotten smarter in my old age, thank-god! I could tell you more, but this is For Your Eyes Only, Baby!!!lol, jajo

24. At twenty-four I bought a guitar! Hmmmmm...a poem I wrote many years ago. At twenty four I committed myself to myself rather than some man that would make me that white picket fence dream. Being an artist, wearing short punk hair to New York and looking like a butch lesbo man, i gave up my pink flowergirl tulle for a world of I'm tougher than what you can dish out". I guess it was the punk age. I did frequent those places (The Blue Boot). OMG they were rough n tough. I would listen to Steve Stunning 63 Monroe and dream about meeting Jack London in some skanky bar where I could continue my Moulin Rouge dream of the rogue in training. The irreverant artist, the angry young woman syndrome. The "there's got to be more than this" cry. I'd find my rougher tougher side, and "leave it all behind" (Men Without Hats).I really new all men were gay and the wedded dream bliss was a lie or not a just was phoney, fake, bs, crap. Women would be subjegated to the back burner, lesser persons of a nongod. No religion too. There was this emptiness that translated to angriness, punkness. Who gives a damn? Nash the Slash could give me the impetus fear I needed to find those kinky dreams of unrestrained lusting for life on the wild side. Of course I didnt get wild. I couldnt. I was too Catholic roots (hey it did sink in). I saw all around me the spectre of evil in the punk circle. The punk girl waiting by the male washroom grossed me out and I quit the topic. It was scanky beyond belief and I just couldnt get into it that much. I had retained from my halcyon days my much need moral fibre. I liked the music, the rebelliousness, the rawness, but I was young and had the energy.I didnt like relieving myself on sodden streets. Women just dont do that. The Garage wasnt really private enough, or dark enough a place. I am sure the 80's hidden camera may have caught such horrid indiscretions of a need to go girl. Today, I can take the new music, as long as it is tempered with less decibles (db). The Ramones really did make me deaf for a week. The ears rang and rang and rang. Was it worth it, all that pain after the drunken debauchery? I think not! I take it I am much more of a mod than a rocker anyway. Although I like the black leather, it really didnt make my ass look big. (yes it did). Who cares, I didnt care for awhile. And I lost it all so suddenly.jajo

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Random 25 on Feelings and Random "thoughts" which are mainly INAPPROPRIATE 17-19/25

17. Random and wise words from Rachel Ray's grandfather today; "you have two choices; to lsugh or cry; choose laughter and be happy!" I love the joie de vivre of the Italians, and other romance language cultures as they intrinsically know HOW TO LIVE. How we can learn so much from other cultures. My culture is sort of messed up and stuffy considering how other cultures really do have their act together and have gotten the wisdom thing down pat. It would have been nice to know these simple truths early and to be down to earth and to have people to promote "down to earth-ness". It would have been a blessing to me many times over. I think that paranoia, like healthy lifestyles can get generationally passed down as easily as genetic disease. No matter which culture, we can learn from our ancestors. It does take a great deal of effort (and money) to dig up the truth about "from wence we came". It is what we are now which is important, what we were is like the dust. Keep the good, toss the bad, learn that we are lucky to suck the air. Honour the earth. Honour ourselves. Honour our worth as humans. We are all that and a bag of potoato chips!

18. How to help others? Once we have "ourselves down pat" understand our nature, and our place in the world, and are happy and satisfied that we make a difference we can attempt to help others.Helping others is a great gift. It is important as when we help others we help ourselves, as each part is dependent on the other. A visual of this would be the dominos effect. When we all work together great things can happen, almost miraculously so, (I am still really wondering how great feats of mankind are ever rendered...somebody clue me in...there are some really "wierd" processes going on when we all"clik" like we are acting souled amoeba that is...)when we find we have that ability to act SYNCHRONICITICALLY TOGETHER AS ONE ENTITY AND we realize hey, something larger than the some of "our parts" is working order here, that is truly, truly, AMAZING!!!

19. Do you like to watch (that reminds me of an old dirty joke)foreign films (a funnier dirty joke). Yes, I do remember my Foreign Film course. It really was an eye opener! People in other countries do not see the world as we see it in Canada at all, no, not at all the same way! It is so unique to find out the perspective of the film, why it was made in the certain way, the culture which bred the art of film and what message is important to a particular country. Foreign film (with subtitles) is really like watching a National Geographic film, it really does seem "foreign", whatever "foreign" means...does it mean different? How did cultures get to be so different???Oh space and time...that made us foreign to foreigners. It is like looking from behind the looking glass at another dimension, really. It is so odd. We do have universals which stay fairly constant from country to country. But like the words; Idioms, which really translate very oddly and not very well. Does this make sense? "A la queue leuleu" (translates directly to As the wolf's tale" which is an indian-french idiom and does not make a heck of a lot of sense unless you know the culture BEHIND THE WORDS. Another example; C'est vieux comme les rues which translates directly to It is al old as the streets and in English this translates to "It is as old as the hills" which does make a lot more sense. Do you notice how successful communication enriches our culture and allows us a much richer and honest view of another "foreign" culture. Time to work on these idiosynchratic cultural differences and get rid of the word "foreign". Foreign should be a four letter word! How's that for an Idiom!

Randomly Inappropriateness Feelings Usually ARE AKWARD EXCUSEZ13-16/25

13. Good Luck, Bad Luck? Number 13? How do you perceive 13? Until my child was born on a 13th, I must have felt the sentimentality of suspicion and let myself fall for this "glitch". Although there may be something to luck, if a warrior is powerful enough the effect of the numbers game (numerology) is easily displaced by powerful conjuring skills. Luck can be turned around, and can go either way, quickly. Or it can linger like the dolldrums forever damning a person either way. Stagnation with luck isnt really good luck at all. Even if we have everything in this world we need and are given every luxury in material wealth and lucky in love we still, one day, must face our demons. That we will not always have things, people etc and must stand on our own and account for our actions, as we are a huge recorder and the ID NEVER lies. Luck, in my opinion is an option for conjuring, but not an end to itself. We can make things work in our favour, we can negate the beast of unluck once and for all, we can find the numbers that click, but then, eventually numbers run out and we are faced with that neverending ID within the ETERNAL mechanism which really doesnt care much for luck, only Truth and Love. Good Luck!

14. Fantasagoria...make believe worlds. New designs. Making a wholly new world evolve from out of the ashes of a half-life. "Living and Partially living". We are in need to make better our lot here and there (in the soul). We can and do make a difference, but must be active participants in the actualization of the creative process. WE need to feel that what we say, do, think, feel, act, originate, create, be, are, want, need, perpetuate in perpituity will exist. That all we are makes a difference matters and can create from thought process. Thoughts are powerful in that they recreate reality and retell our story and maybe our destiny. WE have to believe we have this effect on our Youniverse. We are able to achieve it because the soul is destined for this. We have the right to make a difference by trying to make a difference, by actively pursuing change for the better. Little things, will add up. Think about what you want the world to be, focus upon it, and it will be. It is that simple. We are what we think. So think good thoughts and make good happen for the betterment of all. I will focus on this prayer, that our future's will be good, beneficial, creative, talented, bright, sunny, green, long, happy, fufilling, beautiful, sharing. We all need this, one to another.

15. Random, random you borrowed my ski mitts randall and did not give them back because you didnt know that I needed them because your family was so rich you didnt understand that those gloves were the only ones I had and I gave them to you. I wanted you to remember me in my need, but you forgot, that's ok. Just change, Randall and remember we cant all have material wealth at our fingertips. Things were not all so easy for me as they were for you. You had the golden light of a halo around you, you were blessed, but you did not bless me. I could certainly use your blessing now, as you know they will come back to you, multifold Youniverse! Randall, darling, don't forget me in my need, give me back my gloves please, so my hands dont freeze in this bitter cold friendship of waiting desire.

16. Feelings are just an excuse for lack of soul communication. If we're into the soul being, our feelings change to places and these places are not spectral light of multihued gems of feeling's colours. They are places of white luminosity and do not have need for colour. The purity of the white light of wisdom is threefold. Spirit, Heart and Soul. We have defined the divinities. They have a reality which may be difficult to maintain, but speak of a unity which defies description in thought, word or feeling. Waiting for that white light to surround me and then I will send it your way, as your power shield. What are friends for?

Warning Mostly Inappropriate Random thoughts...9-12/25

9. Get away from the from "feelings icy grip" on my life, I'd have to say, there are a lot of good things which my vaccumed out heart (sucked?) seems to have evaded like the evasive species of soul suckers. To suck is divine ms m, yet women like to get jiggy with it too. Feelings have been, like other things, often blocks in my life which need moving. I wish I could move these emotive barriers. They have stuck me with a burden untowards. Personally, I wish I knew how to free of them. As well, as never having feelings there there and everywhere. This feeling thing can suck and suck so much. No wonder I sucked my thumb for so long. Anyway...totally this was not my intent on this random page, how I do ...get off topic. Since I am on "feelings" again, I might as well stay there, to find out how the f did they all go so wrong? Today I have learned to control the negative to positive, even though a lie of sorts. Blanky blank f lies! Truth in feelings is never easy. A hard road. No wonder guys avoid like the plague (which I often felt I was another version of typhoid mary (jane). That too. Clear and free, I can adapt. And make due.(do)...dodo, yes, I make dodo!Feelings being that basic and base at times. Yes truth, in my opinion, hurts. Of course that my hormones are "whacky" for this wack I guess..i can assume (ass of you and me) that feelings, have, after all is said and done, been a Saving Grace(s). Good book! Thanks Audrey! I hope some of my old buds will one day (hopefully not at my wake) read this and find some humour here, coming from that place where I had been stuck for so long. Do I think my old friends will ever understand what I have been through? Oh yes, I have faith in that, because I have faith in them and always have and always will. I honour you my friend, fido honourus una Mucho Gratis!

10. Random, random thoughts blankity blank. What is with trying to find long lost self, long lost love (i thought was love?), and long lost friends (i thought were friends?).Maybe I just think differently. Maybe I have WAY TOO MUCH OF THE EMPATHETIC PATHOS What if, I was completely deluded! I never had anyone like me, ever. What if my soul is unlikeable, horrorible, creepy, mean, psychotic, spacey, dreaded, feared, paranoid delusional? What if all I believed that I was good, was reversed and I was, to others, the worst case scenario of a person. Worse than, let's say, Charlie Manson? Who would give others that opinion? Certainly my actions, my "essence" or energy "soul" is damned. What if all I believed in was wrong? If I had absolutely lost my soul as I had lost my heart in the love process? What if rumours of how horrible I had been or was had been circulated and made me into a female monster of unknown entity? Could life really get that distorted? How could it? Why would it? Obviously, friends move on, they don't hate me, they have new experiences, family has their family, they are busy, I am a burden of some sort because I have always been TOO DAMN needy. Comfortable in my own skin? How could this be? Maybe, just maybe, I was Born On a Rotten Day!

11. The beautiful soul in me cannot be put down by the enemy of Love. Love shines through, the clouds clear, and focused upon the wonderful newer, more beautiful worlds emerge from what I once thought of myself. Negative putdowns do take their toll, the absence of positive reinforcement (mostly from myself) has led me to not believe that I could be "all that I could be" or maybe I just wasnt wanted "enough". Whatever the reason I had to find my reason as to why I deserved to be deserving of the good feelings of self wanting not self-loathing. I know can honestly say I love myself and all the rest follows. Others are loved in turn, I can truly give now because I have learned to TRULY LOVE MYSELF. Amen to that Lord, Amen to that!

12. About myself, my inner self, the one I like to concentrate upon, I have a need to redo the old artist's self-portrait. Watching Kirk Douglas' version of Vincent Van Gogh awakened me to how much like Vincent I am, and I struggle daily with where me ends and you begin. I tend to want to include you in my world so much that you may feel smothered. This honestly was never my intent. If you do not want to be here you wouldnt be. However, I know you choose to be here because my experiences can teach you something on this life path to wisdom from knowledge's essential experience, ground down to a fine particulate of wisdom's crystalline formation. And truly you know I love you and you feed, like me, on LOVE. right on Baby!!!

RANDOM thoughts Appropriate Enough 8 to /25

8.Blocking out huge chunks and focusing on the happy times of my youth growing up. Probably adolescense was awkward for me. Confidence...working on that too. Feeling I am ok, as I am, without any makeup, without "airs", being nakedly accepting of me is probably difficult. I think it may be due to my way of seeing life, and feeling an undercurrent imposed by the strict religiousity of my existence. When the "me" generation happened in the 80's I did not like it. I noticed my friends were all getting into the more is more rather than what I wanted to be "less is more" as in the 70's back to the earth sharing. I did not want the success train. I backed away from what I saw as a "phoney" way of living. Sure I wanted the "white picket fence" Americana dream. I wanted it all. It did not happen that way for me. I felt it didnt happen because I wasnt good enough. However, I think behind the curtain, the Wizard of Oz was whipping up something else for me. Even though I believe I really had no control over the events in my life, I do realized I do not need that control if I have a good ol' soul, which I have. And I am glad of it. I dont need to feed from other's successes, although, I think this was a feeling like ...ok....I love and accept you, if you don't accept me, that's YOUR PROBLEM! Eventually you will get old like me and get smarter as to the real important things in life. The people that tried to love you and you thought they were not good enough were the Capstone that was rejected. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. The meek shall inherit the earth. Who the heck will want it then? Believe me, I will want to receive what good I have been putting out there. The physics of this philosophy is "If you love something, set it free; If it was meant to be, it will come back to you", and Penelope Leach (child development dr) give your children "roots and wings". May you one day find that I would have been a steadfast and true friend if I were not the constructionists rejected capstone! I held you up, I saved your life, but you were through with me, for whatever reason, there was an emotional blank ratherthan a rabbitblanket I had wanted. You understand, I know you do. If only I knew your motives...please tell me what went so wrong, when I tried so make love last. I am last in love and know that I feel a huge blank that just wont let me be. Vacuums belong in space, not in the heart. Fill me in spiritually please, I implore you. Thanks - you know who you are and I ask for an answer. Please don't tell me I was this HUGE joke like "Doreen"..oh maybe I was, maybe you could tell me this so I know my weak nature that was so fun, colin mockery

9. This is way too random, and as usual, I go back to the stuck feelings rather than the full world I should know. I feel like something was ripped from my soul. Like those women that put their boyfriends through med school (ok there is spiritual and financial benefactors)..I thought I was giving everything I could but why was it not good enough? I wish I knew the truth, then I could get back to those revelations of world truths, rather than this individual truth which evades me until I know...the truth about why you left me emotionally blank turtle lake.

10. may have lost hair by now, gone gray, have wrinkles. Do you feel vulnerable. Will you ever? Did you steamroll my heart with your selfconfidence? There was no holding you back. I held you back somehow. Probably not right for your family. Maybe you had someone chosen. You didnt like my genes. I became too bitchy. I was horrible! What the heck was it that created the chasm of distance. Where you gay? I would still have been and would be your friend. I need not fear that. It isnt impossible. If only that honest could have existed and not have confused and compounded my confusion today. I want to clear these "lingering doubts of love lost". Before it is too late; do you understand love at all. Do you empathize at all? What is blank about you? Do you need an empathy hormone? Tell me...dont let the corporate world be your damn god!

continued 25 Random Things About Myself and Totally Inappropriate

continued Random Things....5=7/25 page 2....only appropriate material here...hope so!

5. Remember my favourite childhood things, Bugs Bunny (talking) Madame A GoGo (from my sister)telescope (to see the 60's moonshots) blue bike, plaid runners, anything Buster Brown, LEM models, gooey Hippo toy, Little Kiddles, Ken and Skipper (endless poetic rants about THEIR relationship), bubbleheaded barbie (borrowed from m sister)and flocked (get me right) dark hair (MUST be dark hair) Ken doll. Ooopik eskimo doll, Chippewa Mugwump (please dont ask me what this is),BC totem, BC mountain jade, ,Little Kiddles, (yes I still have these mementos, and others...except things I think were too sentimental to the point of creating a lack of breathing space. What is that? We must let go of childish things,the Bible implores us not to be hung up on material things...why? they (the chattels anothe word for shackles...) are very hold ya down..especially...when so therefore, why can't I? I mean, what am I really trying to hold onto? A dream which could never happen the way I had imagined? I really thing I believe in...predetermination. Heck I have absolutely no control (hardly at all) of what happens to me in my life. Why? Hmmm...good question and I am working on it. Maybe some things are unpredictable and unpreventable as I had believed there "are no such things" as accidents...that we determine EVERYTHING...what ever messed with the design then? It sure feels it could of gone a heck of a lot better. But really, I need to focus outside the outer me, the "things" me to the "inner me" ...the world within has more meaning...and are so much more important now...thank goodness. Thanking my childhood for people who gave me a feeling of "I'm ok, You're ok"....Now to learn more the art of philanthrophy...yes, I want to help others more than myself..the martyr syndrome rather than the "me me me"...which makes me so sick! I am big on how to make the world a better place for all now. We hold onto material goods when have not developed the inner world spirit. Materialism is the bane of mankind and I am really trying to work on getting the need and wants separated. Sure I want stuff just like the next person, I am no longer having to feel these "things" are vital to my happiness. I need to retrain the brain for this, it sure isnt a easy struggle. But well worth it; Trade material for spiritualism...yes, yes, YES!!!

6. Random thought...pets...the need for materialism or the need from the hormone oxytocin? Pets have been with us for so long they have survived beside us for millenia. Amazing! My pets are a focus of my energies and I love sharing with them. I know there is specially communication with animals and pets do have souls. They may even possess human soul attributes. I have had 5 dogs and numerous cats. Polly, Jason, Nibbles, Blackie, Bear, Belle, and a huge farm cat pedigree. The farm cats were a handful, and I adopted them once Miss Kitty had adopted me. Two turtles, Rock and Roll and Greenie (Bridgy took a hike from our outdoor pond)...nursed numerous wild animals, a blue eyed raven and artic finch (or sparrow). Had wierd animal experiences, snakes dropping through the ceiling and Bear attacked the milk snake, also had hermit crabs and fish. I love animals and plants and do have more luck with certain species. Polly was a collie and german shepherd mix, she had epilepsy, Jason was a rough collie (i thought scottish collie). We got Polly from a place in the country which oddly enough is near where I lived as a adult (Full Circle?). I love the cottage lifestyle, laid back, animals, farming. Less fuss, more living. I really would love to live in the old cottage we had in the 60's but somebody already lives there. When you find happiness hold onto it. It so quickly can change.

7. Random focus...I have to debate when I think randomly to negate the negative things that happened and focus on the positive. In this way, perhaps I can encourage more positive into my life. Although we do learn much from negative experiences, it isnt a place where I want to live "here and now". So I will focus on the "gold" rather than the "arsenic". I can relate to positive and negative. We grow through negative and I know it is important...but I dont want to bum out anyone who may be reading this. It will be for another day when I can get up to that...I just dont feel strong enough today to deal with all those zeroes in the minus category. It is not where I want my head to be "at". If you get my drift. Here is a random Happy thought! You in my Life...did I make you feel better? Did I produce some feel-good hormone? I hope so! Please come back for more, I really like you as my friend, but if you feel you dont want to be here, for any reason whatsoever, I completely understand. Please be as honest with me as I am with you. Then we are truly sharing friendship!

25 Random Things About Me And Totally Inappropirate

1. Things I love...Truth. Truth being the centre of our Youniverse.Truth is Love. I know and have known and right now at this very moment I am writing this have Love within my core which is, I believe an unmoveable and unshakeable, constant feast for my beast. Love that love is bigger than anything in the Youniverse and is a neverending story for my neverending writing!

2.Thinking of the past a lot lately. Whenever I think of my first retentive memory, I am drawn back to the Popping push toy when I was about 4. I remember before this, but I really dont have many real intact memories before 4. Maybe I didnt connect the memory cell with the visual cell. But I know it is all in there, just needs a reboot by a skilled regressionist. Why am I wanting to connect to my past, when we all know the past is imperfect? Because in my mind, I can change the imperfect to the perfect world which always exists for me. I just put up with the crap...for now!

3. Random to me reminds me of a science field trip to the 60's Toronto (Downsview) Science Centre where I got to see for the first time red lasars and the way nuclear radiation bumped off one another in a "click-click" sound. It got me to thinking and certainly did stimulate my interest in science. If only I were as good in math and not a dumbed down as I wanted to be...NOT!

4. Randomly pursue my interests on the net, and connect again, to things that continue to interest me year after year. Need to connect to others and make a "Circle Tour" of my life reminds me of the time my Great Uncle Lou came to visit our hometown where he had grown up. He would drive around the downtown streets and remember those times as a child. Today I wish more than anything to do this. To reconnect my "child" mind with my "adult" mind and meet in the middle in a place where we can reconnect to self. Would I achieve an ephiphanies? I think so. I keep dreaming about the past, especially the place where I grew up, it always plays so prevalent in my dreams, night after night. Lately I have connected to a recent place, a farm which I am sure is loaded with deja vu feelings. I feel I have lived, in some form, in some other dimension, before. It is freaky when these multiYouniverses combine and the ephiphany (and other NOW HAPPENINGS) WAKE up the CONSCIOUS BRAIN to a NEW WAY OF SEEING.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Daisy's Tears

Once spindly
> licorice legs
> hob knob fair girl
> Middleclass Miss
> Waiting for the bus
> Life Has Not Yet
> Begun For Me
> As I look back
> Regretful of Roads Not Taken
> Yet
> Where is tomorrow?
> I ask today
> Where is my touchstone"
> That led the way
> Where is he?
> That dark haired Ken doll
> That imagined man of my
> too good for my dreams
> My wispy white bedroom walls
> Wishes it were not so
> Back when Innocence Lost
> Was Paradise Gained by you
> Tomorrow I will remember your name
> tonight you are my pleasured game
> Love Me Once, Love Me Twice
> Love Me til the World Stands still
> Love You Forever
> You Know I Will
> Can I glean anything
> From this love machine
> beneath those polished surfaces
> Faces play another game
> You have shone
> on my life
> through the years
> Where were you to hold back
> My endless tears
> Through the regret of broken dreams
> Endless years
> Endless streams
> struggle Unending Utopia to find
> Sympathy besides the trouble waters' tide
> Leave behind out mispent youth
> Water Under the Bridge
> Is best left there
> To Find the truth
> You remember this woman child
> You made a bride
> Then left behind
> Like yesterday's Times
> Where are you
> During this need, this feed, this seed, this greed
> During times past present and future
> Where were you
> You tore my gown
> "the blue green icing melting down"
> and blew me away
> out of your life like a yellow leaf into the sear
> Did you have enough of my strife?
> or did you have to take my life
> and leave in your wake you left
> A daisy's tear
> All of life's misgivings
> Clowns...
> Alls for not
> Yet all is well now
> As it should be
> But do not you ever forget
> Yesterdays with
> poor old pathetic me
> Jane Jones June 25, 2008
Good point! We all forget about "brother sun

(sister moon)
who was at one time in history had a pivotal place in our

The sun is no longer a personification but a rather benign

and innate
object d'arte. The sun no longer commands worship of the

Egyptian Rah
sun god or ancient Druids or Mayans chants on this day. If

the wicca
religion worships the sun, and there have been some sun

cults, they
are a minority.
Rod, this tableau piece reminds me of a sparkling summer

day party.
The colours mentioned exactly reflects the digicam colours

of the
sunset last evening. So you do paint with words!

"the glowing blue-silver to dark purple stands ready to


I love the analogy of the sun as a party guest, opting out

of the
continuing party because he had "too much cake". Maybe the

sun goes
to bed early because he is still a baby! Let's hope so!

Many more
sunny soltice days to all! Jane Jones

Yes, Happy Summer Soltice to all the Ladies and Gentry here! The festivities are no doubt continuing on the 21st!
Recently, I have read an archeological article in regards to Stonehenge. Apparently there is new evidence that the Ancient Druids Ode to the Sun was also a burial ground. Otherworldly powers exist as I recount memories from real Druid witches of today. They are located in Wales and have the entire village down to an art form with the prototypical black witches hat.
The mysteries we could learn from these people about the ancient world bewitch you speak. It would certainly give on an appreciation for "eye of newt" and other medica formulitis.
It also amazes me when I think about how universal in our world the consistency of the sun worshipping temples, cairns, etc. What say ye about this? as ever,jajo

Status Quo Award

Status Quo Award
> You on the outside will
> be barking loudly
> On the inside crying
> Quick, red fox jump up and down
> try to draw attention to
> yourself
> to the Cause because
> the award goes to...
> the same people
> year after year
> You Know It
> Congratulate yourselves
> for a job well...
> reiterated
> you barking dogs
> on the outside
> of life
> "shut up!"
> You'll
> get thrown bones
> soon enough
> in return for your facelessness
> Jane Jones Jun 21 2008

Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:39 am

Soltice's Everlasting Summer of Love

Today is June 21st
Summer Soltice
The beginning of summer

Stonehenge awakens this Julian day to a rain-soaked
parade of onlookers
Water rebirthing and baptizing
the Dead Druids bodies
these burial mounds of earthworks

Return to the dead to the sea
The blue fairies beckon the sun
Capturing the primatic light
On this one day which stands still

The heaven's eternal clock's eye
targets Stonehenge's astrolab formations
Enpowering the future
With secrets discovered

By the time I get to Phoenix
You'll be rising out of bed
Alive and well-fed
Stonehenge Stands Still

The flash of lightening
makes all witnesses skitter
a mad dashery
yellow ponchos left behind
the sands of time
further archeologists
to dig truth
out of the ground

neverending longing
to find
the Eternal Sun

Happy Birthday Paul!

Jane Jones June 21, 2008

Funerals today: from grief to joy

Your story proves that the way we view funerals

today has radically changed, and for the better! There is a

swing-shift from the old tradition of mourning which used

grief to illicit the healing response to the new

"tradition" which allows for the celebration of a life

well-lived. One has to wonder why this turn-around. Have we

become like Vikings "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow

we die"? Maybe that is a far better thing than having to

make dead-man hair tatting to display on the mantle!jajo

About Drive

Let me introduce myself; a writer in

need of inpiration and direction, which I hope to obtain

from people who have been there. About marriage; I've been

there and still here for 25 plus years. Some people just

need other people, others do not. Of course sacrifices are

made, the individual taking the back seat so the driver may

"drive". We are pilots and copilots in life, teachers and

pupils. We learn from others and teach others. The only

problem I have with marriage is the fact that I can never

find my old friends from high school, etc as their "names

have changed", especially on facebook. Any suggestions how

to find my old best friend who is out west somewhere, with

a very plain last name. Talk about finding the needle in

the haystack! Nice meeting you!

Male Brains/Female Brains and Hutterites

Dear Rev Laura: Thank-you for being so candid about your

experience. It is this type of honesty which, I believe,

will be salvation's salve. We have not found out why so

many people are depressed. It is epidemic, and certainly

does need to be examined indepth.
About SAD; isnt that about a lack of hormone production?

When the sun (Vit D) does not stimulate our pituitary gland

at the back of our eyes (where the pituitary exists) we do

not release the needed hormones and/or feel good hormones

called seratonin.
Recently I have learned about the empathic hormone called

oxytocin. This is an amazing bit of trivia, but this female

hormone oxytocin (not to be confused with the pain

killerOxyContin tm. This hormone produces a flood of

"love" feelings (empathy) to overtake women right after the

birth of baby.
This hormone is absent in men (I believe(?). Thus there are

"male" brains and "female" brains. Wow, eh?
I am researching this subject presently as I was unaware of

this important hormone.
Apparently mother rats would rather have their baby rats

(pups) present to nurse rather than a shot of cocaine when

given the choice. This proves that oxytocin may replace

drug abuse with the natural "feel" good hormone oxytocin

which is present in women.
Go to It is all about the brain this

week, very interestingly and contraversial subject matter.