Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Warning Mostly Inappropriate Random thoughts...9-12/25

9. Get away from the from "feelings icy grip" on my life, I'd have to say, there are a lot of good things which my vaccumed out heart (sucked?) seems to have evaded like the evasive species of soul suckers. To suck is divine ms m, yet women like to get jiggy with it too. Feelings have been, like other things, often blocks in my life which need moving. I wish I could move these emotive barriers. They have stuck me with a burden untowards. Personally, I wish I knew how to free of them. As well, as never having feelings there there and everywhere. This feeling thing can suck and suck so much. No wonder I sucked my thumb for so long. Anyway...totally this was not my intent on this random page, how I do ...get off topic. Since I am on "feelings" again, I might as well stay there, to find out how the f did they all go so wrong? Today I have learned to control the negative to positive, even though a lie of sorts. Blanky blank f lies! Truth in feelings is never easy. A hard road. No wonder guys avoid like the plague (which I often felt I was another version of typhoid mary (jane). That too. Clear and free, I can adapt. And make due.(do)...dodo, yes, I make dodo!Feelings being that basic and base at times. Yes truth, in my opinion, hurts. Of course that my hormones are "whacky" for this wack I guess..i can assume (ass of you and me) that feelings, have, after all is said and done, been a Saving Grace(s). Good book! Thanks Audrey! I hope some of my old buds will one day (hopefully not at my wake) read this and find some humour here, coming from that place where I had been stuck for so long. Do I think my old friends will ever understand what I have been through? Oh yes, I have faith in that, because I have faith in them and always have and always will. I honour you my friend, fido honourus una Mucho Gratis!

10. Random, random thoughts blankity blank. What is with trying to find long lost self, long lost love (i thought was love?), and long lost friends (i thought were friends?).Maybe I just think differently. Maybe I have WAY TOO MUCH OF THE EMPATHETIC PATHOS What if, I was completely deluded! I never had anyone like me, ever. What if my soul is unlikeable, horrorible, creepy, mean, psychotic, spacey, dreaded, feared, paranoid delusional? What if all I believed that I was good, was reversed and I was, to others, the worst case scenario of a person. Worse than, let's say, Charlie Manson? Who would give others that opinion? Certainly my actions, my "essence" or energy "soul" is damned. What if all I believed in was wrong? If I had absolutely lost my soul as I had lost my heart in the love process? What if rumours of how horrible I had been or was had been circulated and made me into a female monster of unknown entity? Could life really get that distorted? How could it? Why would it? Obviously, friends move on, they don't hate me, they have new experiences, family has their family, they are busy, I am a burden of some sort because I have always been TOO DAMN needy. Comfortable in my own skin? How could this be? Maybe, just maybe, I was Born On a Rotten Day!

11. The beautiful soul in me cannot be put down by the enemy of Love. Love shines through, the clouds clear, and focused upon the wonderful newer, more beautiful worlds emerge from what I once thought of myself. Negative putdowns do take their toll, the absence of positive reinforcement (mostly from myself) has led me to not believe that I could be "all that I could be" or maybe I just wasnt wanted "enough". Whatever the reason I had to find my reason as to why I deserved to be deserving of the good feelings of self wanting not self-loathing. I know can honestly say I love myself and all the rest follows. Others are loved in turn, I can truly give now because I have learned to TRULY LOVE MYSELF. Amen to that Lord, Amen to that!

12. About myself, my inner self, the one I like to concentrate upon, I have a need to redo the old artist's self-portrait. Watching Kirk Douglas' version of Vincent Van Gogh awakened me to how much like Vincent I am, and I struggle daily with where me ends and you begin. I tend to want to include you in my world so much that you may feel smothered. This honestly was never my intent. If you do not want to be here you wouldnt be. However, I know you choose to be here because my experiences can teach you something on this life path to wisdom from knowledge's essential experience, ground down to a fine particulate of wisdom's crystalline formation. And truly you know I love you and you feed, like me, on LOVE. right on Baby!!!

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