Wednesday, February 18, 2009

RANDOM thoughts Appropriate Enough 8 to /25

8.Blocking out huge chunks and focusing on the happy times of my youth growing up. Probably adolescense was awkward for me. Confidence...working on that too. Feeling I am ok, as I am, without any makeup, without "airs", being nakedly accepting of me is probably difficult. I think it may be due to my way of seeing life, and feeling an undercurrent imposed by the strict religiousity of my existence. When the "me" generation happened in the 80's I did not like it. I noticed my friends were all getting into the more is more rather than what I wanted to be "less is more" as in the 70's back to the earth sharing. I did not want the success train. I backed away from what I saw as a "phoney" way of living. Sure I wanted the "white picket fence" Americana dream. I wanted it all. It did not happen that way for me. I felt it didnt happen because I wasnt good enough. However, I think behind the curtain, the Wizard of Oz was whipping up something else for me. Even though I believe I really had no control over the events in my life, I do realized I do not need that control if I have a good ol' soul, which I have. And I am glad of it. I dont need to feed from other's successes, although, I think this was a feeling like ...ok....I love and accept you, if you don't accept me, that's YOUR PROBLEM! Eventually you will get old like me and get smarter as to the real important things in life. The people that tried to love you and you thought they were not good enough were the Capstone that was rejected. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. The meek shall inherit the earth. Who the heck will want it then? Believe me, I will want to receive what good I have been putting out there. The physics of this philosophy is "If you love something, set it free; If it was meant to be, it will come back to you", and Penelope Leach (child development dr) give your children "roots and wings". May you one day find that I would have been a steadfast and true friend if I were not the constructionists rejected capstone! I held you up, I saved your life, but you were through with me, for whatever reason, there was an emotional blank ratherthan a rabbitblanket I had wanted. You understand, I know you do. If only I knew your motives...please tell me what went so wrong, when I tried so make love last. I am last in love and know that I feel a huge blank that just wont let me be. Vacuums belong in space, not in the heart. Fill me in spiritually please, I implore you. Thanks - you know who you are and I ask for an answer. Please don't tell me I was this HUGE joke like "Doreen"..oh maybe I was, maybe you could tell me this so I know my weak nature that was so fun, colin mockery

9. This is way too random, and as usual, I go back to the stuck feelings rather than the full world I should know. I feel like something was ripped from my soul. Like those women that put their boyfriends through med school (ok there is spiritual and financial benefactors)..I thought I was giving everything I could but why was it not good enough? I wish I knew the truth, then I could get back to those revelations of world truths, rather than this individual truth which evades me until I know...the truth about why you left me emotionally blank turtle lake.

10. may have lost hair by now, gone gray, have wrinkles. Do you feel vulnerable. Will you ever? Did you steamroll my heart with your selfconfidence? There was no holding you back. I held you back somehow. Probably not right for your family. Maybe you had someone chosen. You didnt like my genes. I became too bitchy. I was horrible! What the heck was it that created the chasm of distance. Where you gay? I would still have been and would be your friend. I need not fear that. It isnt impossible. If only that honest could have existed and not have confused and compounded my confusion today. I want to clear these "lingering doubts of love lost". Before it is too late; do you understand love at all. Do you empathize at all? What is blank about you? Do you need an empathy hormone? Tell me...dont let the corporate world be your damn god!

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