Friday, April 30, 2010

Magpie #12 The Ever Evolving Evolution of The Thing

Magpie #12: The Ever Evolving Evolution of the Thing

The Thing in the jar made me wince
sitting on the shelf peering out hence
it's got a hold on me I hear myself sing
it's got to be, oh nooooooooooooo...
The Thing was a Force
my mother warned me about

"Dont let it out"
I heard a distant stacatto
a voice from the past
like from the bottom
of a huge fish barrel
the bellowing sound
came wafting up
through the Californian sequoias
and shuttered dormers
and into my breakfast nook
the snooks greenhouse alcove
it took up residence there
sitting high on the highest shelf
that is where I keep The Thing
to chat with it as I ate my lunch

At light speed
and with mercurial flight
immediately Cap'n Kirk was there
in the room!
as he beamed me up Scottie
by a blue Beam from the Moon
"Dont ever try to free The Thing"
the Cap'n urged
with consonnant emphasis
"I'll take a vowel;
not a bowel!"
Thank-you very much
(hey, that was Elvis!)
I think The Thing is thinking
about what?
I don't know...
tends to do that a lot lately
sitting looking out from the alcove
missing some missing time
The Thing aint so friendly
before dinner
you must admit
please remember
"The Prime Directive"
Our only salvation

your English Professor, Jane
did not understand
could not understand
you or The Thing
"If you touch it
you will most certainly die"
Capn' Kirk than did a dramatic

"Remember how the dear Doctor
did not listen
or how he acted so very unappropriately
as of this very minute
we all know the outcome
Dr. Dreadknot most sad to say,
he is quite dead maybe
dead as doornails by now")
(at that time
I didnt know that Cap'n Kirk
was indeed channelling
Tennessee Williams
but the thought had
occurred to me, slightly
nonetheless it just
was not the same thing
at all, no it wasn't
some warp of space
or interface
I saw Capn' Kirk and Williams
as one
one huge entity! a spirit of sorts
odd sorts!
the most unusual
spectrum of thought
like the spectrum of light
shattered by rays from where?
was indeed a hard thing
to gauge
something really totally
whacky and wierd was happenin'
now about Tennessee the place?
(you can say that again!)

Tennessee Walking Horses!
to be exact!
how's that for dura mater's
sticky tack
that Louisiana born and bred
a fine gentleman with a lovely gate
a fine filly all dressed in white
and a lovely slur
the one with the filigree stanzas and
peculiarian flare all in a row
Williams would write like mad
Baretta would act as he is mad
certainly knowing how
"In Cold Blood"
was in that jar
on the wall!

Tennessee Walking Horse
trotter exactors I thought
close enough to be an expert
as he galloped about
writing words l
ike an approaching calvary
on the attack mode
so far from home
(what, now the Civil War?)

These professional equestrians
just know how to do it
or maybe that drawling
and drooling Tennessee Williams
channeled by some remote control
Capn' Kirk owns
(maybe even lack of control?)
evoking a Kirkian effect from
The Outer Limits of Deep Space Nine
lots and lots of deep space nine
all of the time
Maybe nine times nine
usually ten times ten
(we've gone metric you know)
who knows?
from what
of the endless suction vacuum
of never-ending space

and with much cajoling
and Shakespearean fanfare
I saw him, Cap'n Kirk!
dressed to menace
phasers on stun!
a few were Klingons
(I mean clingon fans!)
at a Festival in Stratford, Ontario
(how many times to Discover?)
near the place of my birth
and he looked at me
and pointed directly
in my face
I though how rude!
and with an elbow to my rib
I knew it must be him!

From the elecutionary Cap'n's
much jocular revellery
and unusual relating
(am I related to Shatner or Kirk?)
somewhat nonstoppable
he at the speed of light
could contain
a semblance of order
in the conveyor only
in the chaotic universe
this doesn't often happen

And then he read his poetry out loud
oh so freaky beatnik poetry
Kirk clamoured
enamoured slightly
of himself
ever so slighty
and then oh too dramatically
(what a ham!)
bringing home the last stanza
like kosher bacon
waiting for the killer end

By his own voice
The Capn thus began;
"I want to smash the jar
I want to step on The Thing
I want to squish it's fingers
between my toes for some reason"
is that kinky? Cap'n Kirk!
that's so obviously Kirky!

but then suddenly I heard
a voice from the great beyond
the doors of the crypt opened
and then, just as suddenly
slammed shut
it is like the deadly squid
recreated an effect
a squishing sound like
a sonogram
from submarine land

Certain as certainty
not your typical jelly fish ballad
not your average jello in a jar
silvery shiny dancing the shimmy
and one tiny drop of that
red juice would make even
Dr. Quincy quince and vomit
(not again!)

Today it remains on the shelf
staring down at me
or rather staring me down
It is too good for me
as The Thing
takes notes
gathering evidence
of my every move
with that One Eye
on permanent open
my cover is blown
everything is known
sheets to the wind!

what? The Thing is exactly
this I do not know
invitingly so sensually appearing
so pensive, so innocent
but oh so guilty of the
Capital Crime of

Ever so slowly
creeping into my mind
The Thing
I'm sure he just wants
a big bear hug!
to want to touch and to behold
to touch my gown
my frilly things

By now, this "Thing"
is really starting to bug me
"hold me" I heard myself say
in it's multidigital, multilingual hand
(what's the term for that? I forget)
at one time such a gregarious hand
give me a Shaitsu massage
oh what a flirt
or was it Reiki?
I can't recall
and every so slowly
I'd love it when he'd
stroke my hair
and hold me in his
tenacled arms

My main thing
a complete obsession
The Thing
I wanted so much
soon to become
a bride of The Thing
my main man
The Thing always
had the right stuff

Ever so gently, he would
he did
oh so slowly,
kissed me
so sweetly
and then
neatly tucked me
into bed

Along with that
baby blue haze
The Blue Aliens
alligator heads
take over the room
giving me not
much more room for all
those unusual
(to say the least)
of all kinds
that line my shelf
the ten foot high shelves
"I need more space Cap'n"
I heard Scotty say
(there's even more serendipity
at Willow's! see below)

Those dear snarky snacky
sharks once alive
now turned alien
in suspended animation
now quite dead but alive
somehow these
baby sharks in jars
packed in like sardines cans

With foamy blue formaldehyde
the creatures could
indefinitely swim
brainstone could be our brains
on something maybe cracked eggs
many countless eons ago now
as they once swam around the Seas
and remember oh those ivory teeth
so sharp and pearly white
shark or whale I'm not sure
narl whales and gnarly whales
unicorns of the sea

Breaking waves like breaking into a song
sad song the whales song
The Thing sounded like that too!
sung a song I recall
"We're at the party and
the party is us!"
they really are something
to watch
(but not to look after;
have you ever looked after
a whale?)
beached whale poop?

One day to catch a wave
surely they've already
caught a wave to hell
that look so tenacious
and ended up here
at the all night diner
far from the shore
of scary dreams
but close to that
Field of Dreams
(appropriated to "Shoeless Joe"
Ray Kinsella)

from The Thing
a catcher of flies
in the rye
to die for
(please excuse
the dangling participle
(appropriate to "Catcher In The Rye"
by J.D. Salinger)

Those massively
HUGE alien eyes
The to me
say something
what are you saying
what do you see
when you look out upon us
what is it exactly that I miss daily
(I should have gone to mass)
with those big eyes
you could see
you should see
a quarter from space
or a space where I quarter
you as my jellied nemesis
waiting for the day
of our epic battle
(of such Lazurian Epic-o-logue"
the twins will be battling
for a very long time).
(appropriated from Lazuras
episode of "Star Trek")

Those Things on the shelf
in truth
they make me wanna gawk
and wince and throw up
(did I not say this earlier?)
those things in bell jars
those things unmentionable
for their sheer freakiness
get your freakon
Alfred Hitchcock's finest hour
I'm sure
I feel like another trip
not that kind
rather a day's outing
or at least another
a triple-header
strawberry scoop
something I can hold onto
I'll find it yet
maybe another visit
to Sea Shell City again
is in order
past Spatula City to the right
at the tip of the convergent lakes
with their vertigos and vortexes
all in a row
(but you can still use your cell
in the mitt of the hip
UP Michigan pennisula
your toes to discover
(that's Ontario's motto)
phew! I still have 10 left!
am I sure
I saw in Lake Michigan
isn't that where Hoffa ended?
all most certainly in order
I'm in Heaven now
have you been on the Mackinack Bridge
built in 1958
the longest suspension bridge
looks like the pearly gates
or some close facisimile
or at least not far from
Somewhere In Time
when I first fell in love
for the very last time
(appropriated to Christopher Reeve)

"Your mission..."
I hear the Cap'n say
"To find more "Oddities of the Sea"
to get more
to horde more
you just can't do without"
It's true Cap'n I say
better than 5 and 10
or the many fine junkies
at the one time USA chain
Benjamin Franklins
I just can't help
This Thing
I've gotta stop
it's got a hold on me
it's got an uncanny grip
I'm packing heat now
like Moby Dick's ship
I'm not goin' down
I'm not goin' die
anytime soon

Ripley's Believe It or Not
really did Believe It
yes he did
He and Houdini
ate lunch
in Niagara Falls
near the HOrseshoe Falls
(I love playing horseshoes)

Ripley (was he a doctor?)
should have known
(maybe not do to his field
of oddity research)
That this mad
utterly mad fascination
with all things creepy
has gotten my knickerbockers
in a knot
a tighty whitey twisty knot
a love knot of sorts
by Charlie's locker
(use to be Lady's Footlocker)

These secrets of the sea
what's the love loss
who cares?
(I did)
these creatures large and fair
usually far afield
coming from the blind spot
out in left field
always gave me tingles
to sweeten the pot

More than most lovers
more love to give than
than those twisted
stories like fish
caught in the haul
often tangled
the net to rake in
"The whale she war that big"
coaxing me to join the tale
heard Cap'n Blei say;
"Argh me mateys, what were ya
talkin' about?
'The Landlubbers' Journal': or the
'The Long Lost and
Mighty Tall Tales of the Sea
with Snooks and Grouper?'"

The Thing knows how to do it
it felt that way last night
as I was with "one eye open"
all that never-ending night
The fireworks quite spectacular
as my eyes started
to automatically close
then suddenly I caved
I gave in to the fish of the sea
and fell fast asleep
seven leagues deep

In the fog of the dream
I can still remember parts
The Thing was talking to me
like it always had
telling me this and that
and I'd said what a fine talker
and I'd say not a bad looker
what a fine friend to find
this far down in the sea
you'd think we were fast friends
for certainly a very long time

The Thing gave me a suggestion
and then I woke straight up
like a Zombie on all nighter binge
it's all you can drink night
two for one
unfortunately I had too much
the expresso coffee train
kept me up most of the week

The Thing just knew how
he knew how to even the score
my whole life in a flash
out like snuff
The Thing sure knew how
to do it right
in top hat and tails
he evoked all of time
Past Future and Present
(appropriated to Charles Dickens
"A Christmas Carol")

The thing then returned
to his cage on the shelf
how he knew how to do upright
right just by sitting still
and the long wait
so patient! The Thing
such a Saint!
maybe The Thing
ought to be in pictures
he sure looks the type
but maybe I better not
I ought not to hold onto hope
"no" I said to the Producers
of Horror
maybe I wasn't explicit

The Thing could get way out of hand
and into someone else's
out of my hand, out of my reach
I'd never see The Thing again
or even date
I think I'll keep the thing awhile
Yes, I'm gonna let him stay awhile

The Studios kept calling
pounding the door
all hours of the night
and in the day
the same ding dang calamity
The Thing never sleeps
often awakening at night
a quickening force
of run to the loo
nocturnal readmissions
to University no doubt!
The Thing admits
The Thing cant help it
That's why he gets up
to get out of his cage
and take a walk!

Dang infernal noise
squid ring tones
all through the night
The Thing is constantly
in command
of what
not himself
The Things to frivolous
singing and ringing
you wouldn't know it
dang squid cell phone again!
looks abit different
but sure acts the same

No matter really
all things considered
the world's aquariums
nonstop flights
calling night and day
wanting to capture
the squid's unique profile
his fantastically amazing
array of tentacles
his freakish liveliness in
kodachromatic celluloidtitis

Don't want squid to get a swelled head
Making That Thing vainglorious
get the shiver me timbers
butterflies flying erratically
out from Snookie's
those many appendages
maybe wearing sparkling
Cinderella's glass slippers
Thinking he's a sponge like bob
would make Snooky look elsewhere
feeling invincible
like A Queen For A Day
that lasts a year high
it would try to get away
with far too much

Even that National Geographic
sometimes photographer
who looks say come hither
slithery and snakelike
the seduction of dear squid
Summer of 42?
as creepy as The "squid?"
this thing the photographer
wanting the squishy squid
for more than a day
maybe even a month
on an elaborate photoshoot in the
far away and cactus'd Sedona desert
use to be at one time
The Thing was once all mine
Once Upon A Time...
(appropriated to all the
Fairy Tales that ever were)

I think I'll never
never much or never ever will
shout it out loud
let it out, get it out
rather I'll just let it be
calmly, collectively
let it stay only indoors
and maybe only ever allow
The Thing
one feature film a year
A "B" Movie directors
schlocky film
by film students
who had the foresight?
can't stand any more than that
(appropriated to Foresight Films)

But what if that director
would want to make The Thing
do more than it should do
or could do by itself
what if there were
some one took advantage of Snook
way too much and with dear squid
being so simple an octagon
he would blush
a bright red
and maybe make the everyone
get out of the Hollywood hills pool
once and for all

How would anyone
How could anyone
Talk to the Thing
telling him to take direction
a bit too much
far too much for the squids own good
on the directors couch I hope not
but then someday, maybe, I pray
squid would soon sit in that same chair
Directing life through a squids-eye view
The Thing would make things happen
be happy and procreate
I'd be a grandmother one fine day!

Oh so not much
larger than life it seems
wasn't The Blob found that way
on some abandoned
Canadian Armed Forces camp
Area 51 or 52 I forget
thought they'd make a sequel
sadly never to be
until The Thing showed up
The Thing would rival
Jaws I, II, III, IV and V
(gave up count after V)
Another knock on the door
I let in the motley crew
cameras and screens
flashlights flashing
as talent scouts brushed past me
all think they are Greta Garbos all around
The Thing is the only thing
they want to talk about
so it seems

who's obsessed now?
and I've got to live somewhat, don't I?
The Thing is mine
dont they get that?
Will I ever get my squid back?

Maybe the day will come
not too soon
when I will hide The Thing
from the shelf
from peering people's purple glaze
shut their pie holes
my peeps gaze at their navals
egocentric entrepeneurs
have no care for The Thing
those big babies those baby boomers!
selfish shellfish are so cracked
all-day suckers born every minute
after the war
what do you think there parent's did?
Partying like it was l945
The Swarm, those photogs
watching from every kitty corner
with telescopic lenses
my neighbour's house has been turned
somewhat completely upsidedown!

Most certainly
it is going to happen
I am going to have to hide him
keep The Thing from prying eyes
keep The Thing from
scurrilous and wanton lies
I think I will camoflage the Thing
Somehow find a cover or a beard
yes I will
(is it a in fact a him? how would I know?)
and squirrel that dear thingy away
what if I cannot do this Plan A awaste
i must have a Plan Bor the squid's
gonna be called a panty-waist!

Suddenly my stomach growls
for my
epicurian tastes tonight
I think I will find something
close to the cupboard
something close to the breakfast nook
oh no not the snooky!
(if I cant have him
no one shall (shell?)
then I'll have him
in my big fat jelly belly
(with appropriate attributes to
Denis Lee)
that'll take care, of that
once and for all
(let's hope so!)

And then it happened;
on that lonesome
dark and clammy night
way past the midnight hour
when I was in desperate need
of a squid
how to repair a fix?
a fixation?
The Nation is fixated
(who doesn't need this?)
I'll need to find a cure
other than hemlock
or kewari poison
(only one drop on an Amazonian arrow)
with a Jack Kevorkian twist of lemon
(so divine Jack)
a Saturday night Blowfish special
a rare Sushi find
just in case
That Thing
That Damn Thing
should get out of it's case!

Oh nooooooo.....HELP!!!
It's out! Run to the hills
and hide!

(with much appropriated honourus to Dr. Suess and you!)



  1. My god! What an imagination, Jane!

  2. HEY WRITERS! The most amazing writing by the most raw talent this side of the Solar System at Magpie Tales. JOIN IN THE FUN!

  3. Whew...what a ride
    I'm still dizzy

  4. Around the world in 80 lines (more or less) and a fun trip! :)

  5. You know dear one -- I do not have that many thoughts in a month -- let alone ones that make sense. Fantastic ride --- just amazing.

    Loved every single word.....


  6. I'll take a cup of whatever you're having. Whew!


    enjoy a beautiful May!

  8. amazing images,
    beautiful poem!

  9. whew, you took us on quite the romp with that one. nicely done magpie!


    mine is up!
    thank you for reading it.


    Meme participation award
    Happy Sunday!
    Happy Mother's Day!