Thursday, June 4, 2009

Critique(s) on Scooter City

Dear Paige: Thank-you for your critique. This short story

does seem more like a press release. The formula for the

short story was "tweaked" for a creative writing approach

to subject matter. Although Scooter City isnt real, it

could be, it is the method as to how thoughts and ideas are

made into reality which intrigues and puzzles.
I wanted to do more than recreate the same predictable

story line found in most of my short stories to date. It is

a departure from my usual weekly offerings.
In creative story writing, the sky is the limit, and I

tried to break out of my usual pattern of how to write a

story. The next installment may include more plot and

character detail.
Writing one short story a week in the Ray Bradbury writer's

workshop (as seen in Mike's Writing Workshop blog (reblog) means I will

have fifty-two short stories in one year.

Were you disappointed with the lack of character and plot

development, and the fact it was a starchy travelogue or

housing development advertisement? Just working on

concepts, that hopefully may turn into something real

someday. It is the power of the written word! Again, thank

-you Paige most humbly for your opinions and criticism

which I always find helpful!Jane Jones, Paige Cummings

> You said this was s short story, but it really reads more

like a press
> release. While there was a beginning, a middle and an

end, there
> wasn't a plot.
> It also overemphasized telling and not showing.
> On Jun 1, 2009, at 2:13 PM, jannneee2121 wrote:
> >
> >
> > Scooter City
> >
> > "Oh this is the best, Mom!" the five year old scooter

kid blasted
> > out loud as he went speeding around the maze of paths

in the verdant
> > gardened scooter city haven. "Don, I have never seen

him look so
> > happy" the beaming mom spoke with uttermost sincerity

to her
> > husband. "Yes, dear, I'm so happy we have found this

wonderful place
> > for Eddy. It is more than my dreams could have ever

imagined" Don
> > relieved by the beaming joy from the face of his son.

"I know this
> > is right for him, Cathy, I am certain of this!"
> >
> > Scooter City had just opened to the public. This

Saturday was the
> > official opening of the gated community for physically

> > individuals and their families made huge headlines

arounnd the
> > world. The concept of Scooter City was a brand new idea

started by a
> > couple who had dreamed that their lives would be less

complicated in
> > a place where they could be with others suffering the

same problems
> > as well as a place where they could live in peace and

comfort. That
> > was the simple idea; how much this simple idea had

blossomed into a
> > dream-come-true for the many families that would

inhabit this
> > wonderful world. A world that would push the many

boundaries many
> > physically/mentally challenged day by day had to face.

A place where
> > ease of travel, where building and spaced ergonomically

fit the
> > world of being physically challenged. A place where

people truly
> > cared about those who had for suffered for years being

delegated to
> > the backroom of life because no one had designed or

planned for the
> > unique needs of these special families.
> >
> > The challenge would be for all communities worldwide to

get onboard
> > the ground floor and enjoy the many accomplishments and

successes of
> > the scooter community. The enlightened city planners

conceived of
> > the ideal, now it was made reality in Scooter City.

This new place
> > incorporated all the best of human idealisms and the

belief that
> > "what you can dream you can be" Walt Disney's motto

redefined and
> > refined for the imagineers of Scooter City. A

meticulously planned
> > community were the focus would be on the specific needs

of those
> > challenged. The new buzz word of the day "overcomers".

> > would soon come in droves to Scooter City; "the dream

is alive here"
> > the motto thought up by the many members of Breaking

Barriers to
> > create this world and make it real for all those thus

challenged in
> > any way. All doors would forever be open, and all doors

were open to
> > all persons of all persuasions.
> >
> > Inclusivity was another buzz word; Scooter City worked

and networked
> > with millions of scoots worldwide to create the best of

all possible
> > worlds for scoots. Many blogs and websites were

designed to attract
> > all those interested in the creation of this dream and

> > world for the Challenger Scoots, or CJ's for Challenger

Joe's Scoots
> > a name and a new restaurant at Scooter City. The new

handle chosen
> > by vote by all those in attendance and by online voting

at the
> > Challenger Network. Scoots had the right stuff in the

Scooter City,
> > and because the Board of Directors were all scoots, it

would stay
> > that way. A wonderful day for all scoots! Ultimately,

Scooter City
> > would change the way the world would view the

physically challenged,
> > those with various physical and mental needs making it

much more
> > user-friendly for the CJ's.
> >
> > The needs had been great for the physically and

mentally challenged
> > in the past, and now Scooter City had provided the seed

to help the
> > many challenged. The seed for the need was planted and

> > fabulously well. Due to many wonderful and insightful

people, the
> > many mentors worldwide who had used Scooter City as a

flagship and
> > universal design, the proto type city was realized and

now revealed
> > to the public at large.
> >
> > The template for future expansion and refined deign and

> > improvements would prove to be a unique challenge on

its own, and
> > entire companies were set up for this purpose. Scooter

City had been
> > incorporated into a worldwide consortium; an

> > corporation with only the best corporate individuals

hired for the
> > positions. The unique concepts and idealisms of this

new design
> > project would entrench the rights the grass roots

movements. The
> > Mission Statement of Scooter City always kept the

bottom line grass
> > roots people at the top of the hierarchial pyramid; the

> > ideals being met in the many procedural codes with "the

> > always in mind, always getting first billing and

> >
> > The "children of a new day", "CJ's" and Scoots would be

> > upon, a entirely new concept for most CJ's. The rich

overflow of the
> > best life has to offer within the reach for all CJ's

because the
> > world was trying to do one better. Each country

competing with the
> > other to see how much better "served" the scoots would

be in the new
> > glistening city of ideal meeting the real. This concept

> > encouraged by the designers of the City soon all

country vying for
> > the attention by seeking to entice CJ's to their

country's Scooter
> > City, SC for short.
> >
> > Although not experimental, Scooter City had been been

pursued by the
> > many hardiest of designers for nearly an half-century.

The many hard-
> > earned efforts by the many visionaries made Scooter

City realized
> > much quicker than by standard business methods. Similar

to the 60's
> > Space Race, the world was competing to complete the

first Scooter
> > City prototype. This new business concept attracted

thousands to the
> > city on this wonderful June 3rd 2009. The TSC Exchange

stock SC was
> > going through the roof!
> >
> > All the best would be given to CJ's at SC, life would

be thoroughly
> > enjoyed to the fullest potential. Scooter City answered

the prayers
> > of the many church and social groups that had tried for

years to
> > make this continuing dream happen. For all persons who

> > these unique and special needs of the village love

made, now and for
> > all time, Scooter City would soon be a corner stone of

the community
> > at large.
> >
> > Today was a new beginning for the first fifty-eight

families who
> > would enjoy the many benefits of Scooter City. The

> > designers, engineers, and all trades people were so

very proud of
> > their accomplishments when they looked upon the

childrens' smiling
> > faces. The long term plan was nothing but expansion for

> > wonderful place made for, with, and by persons who just

happened to
> > be people, who, through no fault of their own, have

life threatening
> > and physical and/or mental challenges.
> >
> > Scooter City, placed on the outskirts of a medium sized

town in an
> > Ontario resort town. Surrounded by beautifully forested

and vacant
> > crown lands; abundant with unobstructed nature and

fresh air. The
> > designers worked with the natural aspects of the land

to create
> > their masterpiece; Scooter City. The wonderfully

landscaped designed
> > conceived of a place like no other. Similar to The

Secret Garden or
> > the Garden of Eden, if anyone could imagine the beauty

of this
> > incredible place. All around these richly forested

lands. There were
> > many outdoor paths, perfectly adapted to scooters, wide

enough for
> > two abreat so that scootered friends could scoot beside

one another
> > and have those important conversations on the way to

the fishing
> > pond or the theatre, a short scoot away from the main

> >
> > The buildings were Craftsman style, designed in the

style of Frank
> > Lloyd Wright, and others always with original concepts

and totally
> > in keeping with the green needs of the new

environmental codes. The
> > beauty of Scooter City was evident everywhere in the

360 degree
> > panorama and the CAD drawings of the architects,

artists and others
> > who so richly adorned the is jewel of a place.
> >
> > Millions of downloads to the website evoked "ohs and

awes", and many
> > families were on a waiting list for the next phase of

the village
> > development. Years had gone into making this villaged

> > spectacular yet authentically wonderful. Without a s

> > commercialization or phoney feel to the place, Scooter

City drew the
> > crowds command much media attention. It was truly the

most beautiful
> > place Eddy had ever seen, and his parents felt exactly

the same way.
> > After getting design help from tv shows like Extreme

House Makeover,
> > and by a caring and giving community, Scooter City was

begun, the
> > first shovel creating the first of many Scooter Cities

> > the world.
> >
> > It would be difficult to imagine the awe inspiring

feeling upon the
> > approach to the village. A long tree-lined roadway,

> > gardened, with rare flowers, fountains, sculptures,

play areas, cozy
> > cafes and shoppes to interest. The waterfall was

> > modelled after Hawaii's unique natural beauty. After a

> > through the winding forest, the environmental and

accessible bus
> > from town takes the passengers to the glistening City.

All roads
> > leading to the splendour in the forest; a place as

wonderful as the
> > marbled Taj Mahal or the Partheneon but mainly modelled

from the
> > magic of Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz's Emerald City.

No expense
> > was spared in the planning and implementation of this

> > place called Scooter City.
> >
> > Meticulously thought out inch by inch, the ultimate in

> > and function. Scooter City was enourmous, intimately

> > refined and yet familiar. Old fashioned and friendly,

the village
> > was similar to a town in pioneer days only upgraded a

few notches.
> > The romantic, nostalgic feel was predominant, and

everywhere one
> > could smell the wonderful oatmeal, or chocolate chip

cookies baking
> > or the peppermint candies being made or the chocolate

fudge wafting
> > into the air, catching a light breeze from the many

nostalgic shops
> > on the main street of Scooter City. There was a newnes

to just being
> > in the town which made for an exciting enlivening of

the senses and
> > made glorious with captivating fragrant scents.
> >
> > The General Store, the Community Church as well as

other quaint
> > shops and buildings were marvelous in design and

created a homey and
> > old-fashioned feeling. The backtrails had horse-drawn

> > which would take you to various areas. There were red

barns here and
> > there, and one could imagine being in Lancaster County

> > or near Listowel, Ontario. Like the Dutch Amish or old

> > Mennonites, there was no need for gas powered

automobiles in Scooter
> > City. Scooter City was totally self-sufficient and a

model for other
> > towns and cities to emulate. The many buildings, such

as the library
> > and post office had beautiful antique stained glass

windows in
> > abundance. Many rich woods made up the exterior and

interior with
> > use of local materials keeping the "made local" ideals

of the new
> > economy.
> >
> > The craftsmanship that went into Scooter City was

astonishing, like
> > the craftsmanship of one hundred years ago, many

woodwork pieces
> > were donated by skilled carpenters, made hand-hewn by

Mennonites and
> > Amish from St. Jacobs, Ontario. It seemed that Scooter

City brought
> > out the best in people. People willing to donate their

hard earned
> > money and time to the cause of making life easier for

those most in
> > need. It was truly a wonder to see all this coming

together, to see
> > huge amounts of donated time and money for the cause.

People were
> > networking with others and their was this amazing

spirit of
> > cooperation like had not been seen for years.
> >
> > Scooter City was a year round playground, and

accessible winter and
> > summer by greenhouse glass enclosures which enclosed

the entire
> > space. The city grew their own vegetables, had their

own farms and
> > livestock, all made possible through an intensive

voluteer network.
> > The wonderful olympic pools, glistened turquoise blue

in the
> > sunshine. There was everything fit for a king, or

queen, prince and
> > princess with many items specifically designed for the

> > individuals who would be using the services of the

city. There were
> > bosun seats all heavy duty lifts for scoots, always

were variant in
> > size and weight. There were fantastic cranes all

automated, computer
> > programmed for lifting paralyzed persons into and out

of the pool
> > area and comfortably back into their scooters or power

chairs, etc.
> > The pool enclosure was a saltwater pool and was

designed for the
> > various needs for physiotherapy and swimming enjoyment.
> >
> > An endless pool which is a reflective pool design very

> > aesthetically as well as highly functionable for those

with various
> > physical needs. There were various saunas of various

kinds, both dry
> > and wet, infra red and the old fashioned stone and

steam kind of
> > cedar lined therapy rooms with eucalyptus rooms,

everything that
> > would make life worth living. Each room in the building

called the
> > Great Room looked exquisite with many enjoyable spaces,

nooks and
> > cranies, bay windows, spaces all easily accessible by

scooter. Fun
> > and imaginative rooms with refined taste and

comportment, lovely
> > plants and flowers, natural stone and wood, safe

> > communication areas, service bay for repair and

maintainance of
> > scooters, power lifts, etc.
> >
> > With all the greenery and calming feel it was difficult

to tell that
> > there were clinical areas here. The overall feel to the

place being
> > warm, friendly and inviting. Always there were the many

> > attendants. Attendants were always available to help

out, a phone
> > call away, within five minutes at any given time.
> >
> > Totally idealized world, yet made real like the

artistic landscapes
> > of Thomas Kincaide. This artist comes to mind when

thinking about
> > the feel of Scooter City. Soon a new name would be

found by the
> > residents of the city, a contest was underway as there

was always
> > interesting things to do at SC. There were movie

> > restaurants, auditoriums, museums, guest speakers,

various health
> > modalities, and spiritual retreats for the families.
> >
> > Never a dull moment at Scooter City, scoots could

decide for
> > themselves what exactly they would like to do that

particular day.
> > More often than not they would decide to curl up by the

> > with cocoa and tell stories or watch movies on the

plasma tv with
> > new friends. Or in the summer hang out in the verandah

or the
> > screened in porch taking in the wonderful sagey scents

of the woods
> > across the street. School was so enjoyable and the

teachers very
> > understanding of the various needs of the individual

scoots. The
> > programs were advanced and gave the scoots an edge on

the academic
> > requirements of children many grades their senior. The

teachers had
> > special skills at advancing the requirements, and the

pupils, living
> > in an ideal environment were ready, willing and more

than able
> > students. Many became teachers themselves, and many

became computer
> > and business and social leaders.
> >
> > Scoots spirits lifted as this place was made for them,

by them and
> > only them. This was their world, they owned it. No one

felt the
> > unnecessary fear they felt living in their old

communities. The
> > difference being the way they scoots were treated, with

one hundred
> > and one percent attention and the attention to

promoting the
> > individual. The attitude really made the difference in

the proven
> > success levels of the scoots. In the past the scoots

often felt they
> > were not allowed to function or be a complete person

because they
> > did not have the means to perform at maximum capacity.

Now scoots
> > would be given the ability to realize and become self-

> > Scoots now really started to enjoy life. Life's many

goodies that
> > they so deserve were beginning to become theirs in

abundance, and
> > rightfully so, the scoots always deserved the very best

life has to
> > offer. And this the scoots did, they began to enjoy

life fully and
> > completely.
> >
> > The ease of movement was measured precisely at the city

> > gathering rooms large enough to contain many scooters.

> > were easily accessible, everything being geared towards

the needs of
> > the scoots. The unique needs of the citizens of Scooter

City were
> > always a paramount concern of the community, as

function was pivotal
> > in the scoots success. The citizenry of the city was

governed by the
> > voting system and the leaders were cj's themselves,

making many laws
> > guaranteed to further protect the citizens of the city.

No one could
> > imagine going back to live in a community without these

> > ideals. Scoots were the best promoters of the city and

word was on
> > the street; let's make all towns Scooter City-friendly!
> >
> > The gated community was very protected and the citizens

had access
> > to the nearby town if they so choose to go into town.

Many had no
> > need to go into as all their need were met at Scooter

City. There
> > were doctors, nurses, physiotherapist, social workers,

> > therapists all living within five to ten minutes of SC.

The doctor
> > offices were at the city as well, and there was really

no need for
> > going into town for groceries or other shopping, only

if the person
> > wanted a change of scenery, Scooter City provide every

> > provenor of goods that scoots required, and socially

Scooter City
> > was not isolated as there were shops and services only

found at
> > Scooter City. There was a cottage industry created

because of the
> > many visitors wanting unique souveigners of the Scooter

City. There
> > were wonderful weaved items, clay, woodworking shops,

all items
> > clearly high quality and unique artistry.
> > Collectors flocked to the City for the collectible

items and mny
> > products made by the scoots.
> >
> > "Oh Mommy, I love my room!" Eddy excitedly told him mom

when he
> > found his breath in the moment. For Eddy it was like

having ten
> > Christmas' at once, with every possible wished and want

> > under the tree. The town glistened like new fallen

snow, sparkly and
> > brand new, a crysatline dream made real. "Eddy, just

let me know
> > where you are going, if you go out" Louise stated

calmly as she sat
> > back in a luxuriously overstuffed Queen Anne chair by

the limestone
> > fireplace. "Oh Donny, this is so wonderful, pinch me

please! I think
> > this is all a dream." Don was busy still looking around

their new
> > home, opening cupboard doors, smelling the sweet smell

of cedar
> > which had emaniated from the cedar beams of their 20

foot ceiling.
> > "Look at that view of the lake, Cathy! Isn't it

spectacular. I'll be
> > able to watch the skiiers coming down the hill I feel

that close to
> > the mountain." Don was almost as excited as his son,

Eddy. Don and
> > Louise hug each other tight as they looked outside the

huge windows
> > of their new home at the incredible scenery outside.

"Yes, this is
> > like a dream, Cathy". Don had a joyful tear streaming

down his face
> > as he proudly smiled while looking up at his happy

family. jajo

No comments:

Post a Comment