Monday, December 22, 2008

Stumbling Accidentally Into Joy

Oy Vey! Today has been full of mishaps! Rushing around

trying to do too much with literally nothing done, I feel

lost in a world of "unfufilled destiny". Do you ever have

one of those days? Mine has lasted for for far too long -

all of my life as a matter of fact! I dont want to blame

anyone. This is just the way I see it, it could be a cruel

thing to read this for some, hazard to read this at your

own peril!

Yes, Life is what happens to us when we make other plans;

thank-you John Lennon. It takes a lot of mental "tweaking"

to make life "go the way it should" and life it is also a

mind-set to some degree. Yes, We make our own heaven and

hell to some extent, but sometimes there are other factors

which echo far beyond what would be considered as in being

unfairly treated as a human being. But why me? What is

wrong with me that I should be treated so unfairly, or at

least what my mind feels as unfair? But others do not see

it that way, to them, their treatment of me was fair and

just. They just did not see life from my perspective at

all, why? Selfishness? Yes, selfishness, and lack of

wanting to communicate in a fair and equitable way with me.

It is not right, but it is what happened to me. Here is my


Today, I see all the mistakes I have made and have to ask

what did I do wrong in the past to deserve this heart-

wrenching pain of being treated so unfairly all my life by

others. What do I do to deserve the proverbial "S*it

kicking?" from family friends and strangers?

Seriously, today did I have to put that dish so

precariously on the shelf that it would fall out of the

fridge and break into a million pieces? Or did I have to

"forget" to put the meat away for a moment while I deliver

meals on wheels to the back room? These are serious

oversights, perhaps accidental, maybe not.

Deep within my heart of hearts I feel the burden of regret

and I do not know why. Maybe I cannot live up to any sort

of ideal. Maybe I am just not good enough for me or

others.Lingering selfdoubt which causes less focus but..


Each day I struggle sincerely to be "the best that I can

be" but I always feel I fall far short of that place where

I belong. Why is that?

There is a reason I feel less than stellar most days;

clumsy, dizzy, confused, sad, dazed. There is a missing

piece, I cannot fill because I cannot meet mine or others

expectations of myself for some reason. But why?

There has come this middling time in my life when I have

found out I really screwed up (I think) early on in my

life, and I am paying for it dearly today, endlessly. Even

prisoners get out of prison eventually for misgivings

created before 18. But why? Other people had the same

misfortune of confused youth, and yet came out of it with

flying colours! It must be that some lucky people have had

"help", a good friend or relative must have bolstered their

self-esteem with cash and credit and recreated the perfect

Stepford Wife scenario...a dream within a dream. Reality

tweaked as to not show it's underlying grinding of the

mechanical bs.

Isn't that what family, friends and lovers are ultimately

for, for the unconditional love and acceptance when

mistakes are made or when expectations never expected are

never lived up to anyway? Why do I feel ignored, why do I

feel less than what others need? Why has life not handed me

a straight deck of cards? Is it too much to ask? For people

to treat me fairly, consistently, and not hide everything

from me, as if I am not worthy to be part of their

existence? What is it about me that is just not good

enough? What can I do to change it? Probably nothing. My

existence here just does not feel welcome to most. So how

can I adequately perform at maximum capacity when I feel so

many nagging self-doubts caused by people who did not

bolster my self esteem or pay much attention to me. Was I

really wanted? Why don't I feel that way. "Take me out to

the ballgame?" but leave me behind when the sun is still up

in the summer and I can hear the rest of the family

laughing as they walk away from me locked in my room. Why

did you do that to me? Lock me out of your lives? Why did

you only approve of one boyfriend I brought to the house?

And he turned out to be a fraud artist tres extraordinaire.

Yes, I am beginning to link the dots of the family unit

compact we have created which favours power over feelings

of honesty, trust and decency. Mr. Big must not like people

behaving like people very much.

But what if they do not accept your choice in a mate -


What does that do to a family? Emotional scars cut much

deeper than any knife.

What would have made my world better? One word; acceptance.

Emotional, and guidance if possible, and if really

possible, being allowed to be one of the coveted "in"

crowd, or a success. But success really is only for the

few, or there is no success. It is like everyone being a

doctor, it just will never happen.We cannot all be doctors.

There is a pecking order of power we must all succumb to,

and like life, like it or lump it, it doesnt make a

difference, nor can anyone ever change this status quo

power lording it over the family compact corporate world.

Power lords of the corporate world unit, you have nothing

to loose but your personal intregrity. Perhaps my high

hopes were just that, too high for reality. A reality which

I found "ex communicated me" from existence and religated

me to the "back" shelf of life. Alone, disenfrancised,

mostly alone feelings. Feelings of never being understood

or loved the way I wanted to be loved; for love sake, not

towing the "company" line of arranged marriages.

These subsequent feelings of loss of self make me feel

banished to a country where I must continually question

motives of persons. Why did I not have the real love I

desired but a "false front" love which is above all

conditional? I just don't "get" the corporate mind-set I

suppose. 600 billion? No, I dont get that either!

I thought love was to be "unconditional".

We all know parents love us unconditionally, however, if

love is held back for too long, or if a child's emotional

needs are also ignored, there is not much there, is there?

Can you ever go back in time and claim that emotional self?

Seriously, no.

People will never change as far as intrinsic personality is

concerned. The boyfriend you broke up with because they

were emotionally cold. The parents who were too busy

climbing the social corporate ladder, the sister or brother

who is on the same corporate treadmill and are vacant in

your life. You just are not good enough, neither is your

husband and your kids, you just did not make the grade like

they did, they are superior in every way to you. You are a

loser, you dont deserve attention. Cold, cruel world to the


Maybe the sister or brother has a serious and ongoing case

of sibling rivalry.Maybe the power crazed father or mother

decided that this sister or brother would "carry the torch"

for the family lineage and become the "executrix" of the

family. They really continue the cowing down and bowing

down to the power beyond the family, the corporate family

dicatates. As long as they have the vice each night to

suffice their neurotic "disengage" from true feelings they

can continue to lie about who and what they truly are

inside. More importantly, they lie for the corporate

leaders, denying love to someone who was suppose to be

loved - me. Abandoned, I am alone, without your true love,

I die a little bit inside. And this is the feeling I have

today as I understand my deep-set feelings that this time

of which this end of year makes me account.

Your old friends, family dont really want to contact you.

Your history you have with your old friends/family is just

that history. History which can be stored away for another

day, another life time, remaining, unrequitted,

misunderstood. Pending. Unfinished business? Perhaps you

remain a threat or there was a jealousy caused from the

power sway taking effect. Love does not act this way! Does

someone really want something you have or is this the only

way they have of communicating the threat they are under,

because they must tow the company line and the company line

says "do this or else"...Or else what, no promotion, no

upper standing in the community, firing? Oh god dont fire

me. It sounds so fatal. But not nearly as fatal as love

never have existed because you must do something to

disenfrancise this person for political purposes. Odd that.

There is something much deeper and sinister going on here?

But what? Can you help me find that missing piece cut out

of my life, by some entity unknown, yet known by it's hate?

Then, all is smiles; so damn fake! We have to show a good

false front, after all, we have all this money and power,

and we have this poor destitute relative. Should we throw

crumbs, left overs, or beers that don't pop? All this can

get you sick, and that is what is wanted? To get sick, die

and be removed from these peoples existence once and for

all. What mind set is this, really? This type of bs really

makes me sick! It isnt natural and you know where it is

coming from, read Cask of the Amontillado by Edgar Alan

Poe. Maybe a secret cult society of rich snobs fuelled by

powermonger ways of the big billionaires society. No wonder

we are loosing the war on terror!

all these features create going back to recreate a more

"perfect" past is really absent.

Welcome the mother/father, boyfriend, sister, brother

without a social agenda. Does that happen very often? If

so, how lucky you are! Lately, I feel used, as in used up.

Nobody really has a clue as to my needs because I am too

busy fufilling them.

I must reclaim the Joy of Life that I feel life has taken

away from me. I must find that one constant that never

changes; "unconditional love". I must find it soon, or

else, I fear, I wont want to be here much longer.

Look, after all is said and done, life is one thing, love

another. If you mix the two you have the benefit of being

incredibly lucky. When I had the unfortunate experience of

having no one to relate to, well at times, but not

consistently, I feel I missed out on the Joy. I felt I have

been lied to, or I was not good enough, not the

professional they wanted, no smart enough, not pretty or

beautiful enough, not full of "bubbly" personality.

I am depressed because I cannot be me because I was not

given the encouragement to be me at critical times. You may

not understand this, because you world has been almost

perfect. Things unravelled for you in this life like it

should, with everything in balance and harmony. Consider

yourself not only lucky, but rare.

The emptiness of my life will not go away. As I see the

relationship bridges burned behind me, I want to go back

and set them aright. The depression comes in the fact, I

cannot. It is too late, or it never was the way it should

have been, for whatever reason. It is just so unfair when

you give your all and you feel stabbed in the back, lied

to, unloved, thrown away like yesterday's garbage. Yes, I

was naive not to see this coming from the vanishing point a

long time ago.

Today, I am aware of the many pitfalls along the way. I had

promised ALWAYS to have the listening ear, to be a caring

person and friend. No money, no threats of punishment, no

control mechanisms will ever take away the inherent Joy the

Lord has given to me. It is my birthright and no one can

take that away because they are jealous, mean, stressed,

naive, vacant, evil. There is something I claimed today,

myself. I have great Joy knowing I have overcome all the

"stings and arrows" of outrageous fortune in knowing people

who refused to meet me in the middle. Who could not

reciprocate love. Who only were out for their own good.

Today I have stumbled accidentally into Joy. JOy knowing I

please do not be offended...this truth is needed...dont hide is our reason to be...we all deserve that...

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