Oy Vey! Today has been full of mishaps! Rushing around
trying to do too much with literally nothing done, I feel
lost in a world of "unfufilled destiny". Do you ever have
one of those days? Mine has lasted for for far too long -
all of my life as a matter of fact! I dont want to blame
anyone. This is just the way I see it, it could be a cruel
thing to read this for some, hazard to read this at your
Yes, Life is what happens to us when we make other plans;
thank-you John Lennon. It takes a lot of mental "tweaking"
to make life "go the way it should" and life it is also a
mind-set to some degree. Yes, We make our own heaven and
hell to some extent, but sometimes there are other factors
which echo far beyond what would be considered as in being
unfairly treated as a human being. But why me? What is
wrong with me that I should be treated so unfairly, or at
least what my mind feels as unfair? But others do not see
it that way, to them, their treatment of me was fair and
just. They just did not see life from my perspective at
all, why? Selfishness? Yes, selfishness, and lack of
wanting to communicate in a fair and equitable way with me.
It is not right, but it is what happened to me. Here is my
Today, I see all the mistakes I have made and have to ask
what did I do wrong in the past to deserve this heart-
wrenching pain of being treated so unfairly all my life by
others. What do I do to deserve the proverbial "S*it
kicking?" from family friends and strangers?
Seriously, today did I have to put that dish so
precariously on the shelf that it would fall out of the
fridge and break into a million pieces? Or did I have to
"forget" to put the meat away for a moment while I deliver
meals on wheels to the back room? These are serious
oversights, perhaps accidental, maybe not.
Deep within my heart of hearts I feel the burden of regret
and I do not know why. Maybe I cannot live up to any sort
of ideal. Maybe I am just not good enough for me or
others.Lingering selfdoubt which causes less focus but..
Each day I struggle sincerely to be "the best that I can
be" but I always feel I fall far short of that place where
I belong. Why is that?
There is a reason I feel less than stellar most days;
clumsy, dizzy, confused, sad, dazed. There is a missing
piece, I cannot fill because I cannot meet mine or others
expectations of myself for some reason. But why?
There has come this middling time in my life when I have
found out I really screwed up (I think) early on in my
life, and I am paying for it dearly today, endlessly. Even
prisoners get out of prison eventually for misgivings
created before 18. But why? Other people had the same
misfortune of confused youth, and yet came out of it with
flying colours! It must be that some lucky people have had
"help", a good friend or relative must have bolstered their
self-esteem with cash and credit and recreated the perfect
Stepford Wife scenario...a dream within a dream. Reality
tweaked as to not show it's underlying grinding of the
Isn't that what family, friends and lovers are ultimately
for, for the unconditional love and acceptance when
mistakes are made or when expectations never expected are
never lived up to anyway? Why do I feel ignored, why do I
feel less than what others need? Why has life not handed me
a straight deck of cards? Is it too much to ask? For people
to treat me fairly, consistently, and not hide everything
from me, as if I am not worthy to be part of their
existence? What is it about me that is just not good
enough? What can I do to change it? Probably nothing. My
existence here just does not feel welcome to most. So how
can I adequately perform at maximum capacity when I feel so
many nagging self-doubts caused by people who did not
bolster my self esteem or pay much attention to me. Was I
really wanted? Why don't I feel that way. "Take me out to
the ballgame?" but leave me behind when the sun is still up
in the summer and I can hear the rest of the family
laughing as they walk away from me locked in my room. Why
did you do that to me? Lock me out of your lives? Why did
you only approve of one boyfriend I brought to the house?
And he turned out to be a fraud artist tres extraordinaire.
Yes, I am beginning to link the dots of the family unit
compact we have created which favours power over feelings
of honesty, trust and decency. Mr. Big must not like people
behaving like people very much.
But what if they do not accept your choice in a mate -
What does that do to a family? Emotional scars cut much
deeper than any knife.
What would have made my world better? One word; acceptance.
Emotional, and guidance if possible, and if really
possible, being allowed to be one of the coveted "in"
crowd, or a success. But success really is only for the
few, or there is no success. It is like everyone being a
doctor, it just will never happen.We cannot all be doctors.
There is a pecking order of power we must all succumb to,
and like life, like it or lump it, it doesnt make a
difference, nor can anyone ever change this status quo
power lording it over the family compact corporate world.
Power lords of the corporate world unit, you have nothing
to loose but your personal intregrity. Perhaps my high
hopes were just that, too high for reality. A reality which
I found "ex communicated me" from existence and religated
me to the "back" shelf of life. Alone, disenfrancised,
mostly alone feelings. Feelings of never being understood
or loved the way I wanted to be loved; for love sake, not
towing the "company" line of arranged marriages.
These subsequent feelings of loss of self make me feel
banished to a country where I must continually question
motives of persons. Why did I not have the real love I
desired but a "false front" love which is above all
conditional? I just don't "get" the corporate mind-set I
suppose. 600 billion? No, I dont get that either!
I thought love was to be "unconditional".
We all know parents love us unconditionally, however, if
love is held back for too long, or if a child's emotional
needs are also ignored, there is not much there, is there?
Can you ever go back in time and claim that emotional self?
People will never change as far as intrinsic personality is
concerned. The boyfriend you broke up with because they
were emotionally cold. The parents who were too busy
climbing the social corporate ladder, the sister or brother
who is on the same corporate treadmill and are vacant in
your life. You just are not good enough, neither is your
husband and your kids, you just did not make the grade like
they did, they are superior in every way to you. You are a
loser, you dont deserve attention. Cold, cruel world to the
Maybe the sister or brother has a serious and ongoing case
of sibling rivalry.Maybe the power crazed father or mother
decided that this sister or brother would "carry the torch"
for the family lineage and become the "executrix" of the
family. They really continue the cowing down and bowing
down to the power beyond the family, the corporate family
dicatates. As long as they have the vice each night to
suffice their neurotic "disengage" from true feelings they
can continue to lie about who and what they truly are
inside. More importantly, they lie for the corporate
leaders, denying love to someone who was suppose to be
loved - me. Abandoned, I am alone, without your true love,
I die a little bit inside. And this is the feeling I have
today as I understand my deep-set feelings that this time
of which this end of year makes me account.
Your old friends, family dont really want to contact you.
Your history you have with your old friends/family is just
that history. History which can be stored away for another
day, another life time, remaining, unrequitted,
misunderstood. Pending. Unfinished business? Perhaps you
remain a threat or there was a jealousy caused from the
power sway taking effect. Love does not act this way! Does
someone really want something you have or is this the only
way they have of communicating the threat they are under,
because they must tow the company line and the company line
says "do this or else"...Or else what, no promotion, no
upper standing in the community, firing? Oh god dont fire
me. It sounds so fatal. But not nearly as fatal as love
never have existed because you must do something to
disenfrancise this person for political purposes. Odd that.
There is something much deeper and sinister going on here?
But what? Can you help me find that missing piece cut out
of my life, by some entity unknown, yet known by it's hate?
Then, all is smiles; so damn fake! We have to show a good
false front, after all, we have all this money and power,
and we have this poor destitute relative. Should we throw
crumbs, left overs, or beers that don't pop? All this can
get you sick, and that is what is wanted? To get sick, die
and be removed from these peoples existence once and for
all. What mind set is this, really? This type of bs really
makes me sick! It isnt natural and you know where it is
coming from, read Cask of the Amontillado by Edgar Alan
Poe. Maybe a secret cult society of rich snobs fuelled by
powermonger ways of the big billionaires society. No wonder
we are loosing the war on terror!
all these features create going back to recreate a more
"perfect" past is really absent.
Welcome the mother/father, boyfriend, sister, brother
without a social agenda. Does that happen very often? If
so, how lucky you are! Lately, I feel used, as in used up.
Nobody really has a clue as to my needs because I am too
busy fufilling them.
I must reclaim the Joy of Life that I feel life has taken
away from me. I must find that one constant that never
changes; "unconditional love". I must find it soon, or
else, I fear, I wont want to be here much longer.
Look, after all is said and done, life is one thing, love
another. If you mix the two you have the benefit of being
incredibly lucky. When I had the unfortunate experience of
having no one to relate to, well at times, but not
consistently, I feel I missed out on the Joy. I felt I have
been lied to, or I was not good enough, not the
professional they wanted, no smart enough, not pretty or
beautiful enough, not full of "bubbly" personality.
I am depressed because I cannot be me because I was not
given the encouragement to be me at critical times. You may
not understand this, because you world has been almost
perfect. Things unravelled for you in this life like it
should, with everything in balance and harmony. Consider
yourself not only lucky, but rare.
The emptiness of my life will not go away. As I see the
relationship bridges burned behind me, I want to go back
and set them aright. The depression comes in the fact, I
cannot. It is too late, or it never was the way it should
have been, for whatever reason. It is just so unfair when
you give your all and you feel stabbed in the back, lied
to, unloved, thrown away like yesterday's garbage. Yes, I
was naive not to see this coming from the vanishing point a
long time ago.
Today, I am aware of the many pitfalls along the way. I had
promised ALWAYS to have the listening ear, to be a caring
person and friend. No money, no threats of punishment, no
control mechanisms will ever take away the inherent Joy the
Lord has given to me. It is my birthright and no one can
take that away because they are jealous, mean, stressed,
naive, vacant, evil. There is something I claimed today,
myself. I have great Joy knowing I have overcome all the
"stings and arrows" of outrageous fortune in knowing people
who refused to meet me in the middle. Who could not
reciprocate love. Who only were out for their own good.
Today I have stumbled accidentally into Joy. JOy knowing I
CAN NEVER BE DEFEATED!
please do not be offended...this truth is needed...dont hide it...it is our reason to be...we all deserve that...