All in all it was a tough experience to be typing away on the keyboard, as usual, feeling ok, getting some good promo ideas and then; the feeling of impending doom came over me. A horrible, gut wrenching feeling of being a few minutes away from meeting the maker. Not a pleasant feeling. What could it be? How did you know?
Having the "feeling" take over, emcompassing my entire being, stopping me in my tracks. Getting up slowly from the computer desk, and saying little to hub sitting next to me, I say excuse me I have to go to the bathroom. I know it is more than a regular trip to take a pee.
The heart while racing at dragster speed makes me feel extremely dizzy and then I became anxious because I felt "I was going to die" Soyonra. Bon Voyage. Ciao. I knew that I had to immediately stop what I was doing and lie down. This was almost a natural inclination. Like giving birth, the need to separate the legs and push. Death is like that a push through the wall to the other side. The wall being a bitch of a pain to go through, but once there, nothing to fear but soft fluffy white clouds, right!
"You are certain going to die." I felt my conscious saying this to myself as I tried to find my focus object. As well I had to organize my husband and son so that they would do the right thing, and call the ambulance. Stat.
I kept telling myself "no, no..." I will not die. The Irish fighter in me piqued it's old Fighting Irish similar to Notre Dame namesake. How was I to fight a old heart wound? How would I come to terms with a past that was not only imcomplete, but imperfect as well? The old adage "I'm too young to die" was not holding water. I'm 50! I have no excuses. I could die any minute, any time, any day.
So what was making me die today? Where is that invisible enemy?
It is, to put it mildly, a most unpleasant feeling to feel so bad, to feel out of control of one's own existence. And so unloved in the past. Why the gaping wound now?
It had always been a given; I thought I had a handle upon life, and that I was going to live forever. Just like when you are a kid and you have your life ordered, all neatly in a row along with your stuffed animals. All of a sudden you turn a corner and the direction switches and the you are left in a ditch. You did not order that icy road, what the hell is black ice doing THERE? Ha!
These moments may be my last I kept thinking, and logically so, considering the spectre and the seriousness of my condition, unknown now, only intuitively known. Thinking I know what ails me, vasculitis, a very serious and life threatening condition. The vains swell up anywhere and boom your dead. Especially when they hit the aorta region. You knew this. Somebody must know this. Would Dr's hide this from me? My grandpa on my mother's side died at 40. And I am 50. What if I have his genes? Does anyone know what genes I have. Why don't I know what genes I have. Clearly the science is out there. Why hidden from JQ Public? Many questions. Many unanswered questions from "The Doctors". Maybe, I am a unique New York guinea pig. Thanks for that eh? Hope you find the cure soon!!! OMG LIKE STAT!!! Hope you can work on this one in your lab since it was YOUR lab or should I say the off limit lab we use to do it in. (Shocked...yah, so am I)...sort of..kinda of...dont kill me again and again with your kindness. These Dietrick labs, well, ya know...old girlfriends and rich wives? Well I can see why evidence is...well sort of you know...NEVER MIND!!!
Heading upstairs, past the Pittsburg glass on the mezzanine, trying to hold onto the lack of railing was incredibly difficult with a sideways tilt you wonder if this is it, will I make it to the bed. Maybe it will stop, and I will begin to feel better.
Sometimes a wake up call. I am having a heart attack! OMG
I waited 5 mins to see if the heart would stop racing. As I lay on the bed my legs started shaking uncontrollably. I could feel a hot flush making my face feel like it had been in the sun all day on a sunny summber day. It felt burnt. My dizziness was the worse, feeling like I was going to pass out at any second.
Calling out to the hub "Call 911". I realized no one could give me CPR. My son said he would but he is not trained. If the ambulance did not arrive in a few minutes, I would be as good as dead I felt. How long could my heart continue this unusual beat.
When the ambulance drivers arrived they came upstairs to the bedroom. It was a bit of bedlam as usual with the barking dog my son had to put in the basement. After that nervous rock n roll did nothing to calm me down and slow the heart that was way out of whack.
As I lay in my queen size bed, on my back. I felt a huge claw like grip on my neck, like there was a monster attacking my body. It was not a good feeling, and one I wanted to stop.
As I was starting to worry about making it, and where is my purse, where is my health card? The faint ambulance siren coming down the highway in the distance. Oddly, and for the first time the whaling siren was a comforting sound, distant though it was, that they would be coming for me, taking me to skilfull people who knew how to make me come back from death's door. And I would live to write another day.
Lately, I must admit, I had become addicted to writing on the net, getting ideas, making up silly short stories, a short story a month, blogging everyday, commenting on others blogs and websites. The next Hemmingway, Steinbeck, Kafka, or JK Rowlings not a bad ordinance or pay scale. Anything would be better than caregiver non-pay, person non-grata existence.
To improve my writing skills was a primary goal, and I so much enjoy the creative aspect to writing, and communicating with others. It is very important to me. It always has been. It is who I am. I really do enjoy writing, maybe too much. This day the computer and my body were battling for supremacy. Who would win? Who would loose?
As I lay down on the bed my whole attention was focused on slowing my heart or rebooting my heart. It was not easy and I wondered if I would continue to hear the ambulance pull up the drive. I was sure I was going to be dead by then. Whatever really did it to me, or is doing it to me, is doing it REAL well. What is causing this tachycardia? What is causing my heart to speed up to this revved up and no where to go speed freak status. I only had 4 or 5 cups of coffee today!
The young and handsome male ambulance medic and the daring twenty something female driver were taking my pulse, blood pressure and commenting on how flushed I looked. I was told not to shake anymore. I said I cannot. It is uncontrollable. Being given oxygen was a god-send. It smelled like some sort of food, I cannot remember. It was a pleasant feeling to have this oxygen. What, are we running out of oxygen in the world? That is why the fungus. I had many theories written down for posterity about world problems. It was my duty as a caregiver to find solutions to the impossibles that humanity faces today. Maybe a daunting task for myself which may have lead to this near fatal heart attack.
The day was Thursday April 30, 2009, my unlucky days are Thursdays. Being a Virgo. Although all this esoteric knowledge meant little too me it is odd how synchronistic my life was becoming. Yes, I had theories on that too, and would be able to go immediately to my blog to let you know some interesting observations about the same.
I was immediately comforted knowing the medic crew was here; the angels of the highway, the florence nightingales of the night ride. For now I thought in hindsight, this may be my last chance to live. I would do may in a better way, as I said I am going to rip, I am going Feng Shui minimal. No more excess, no more clutter. I am going to be a lean mean fighting machine. If only my heart would work!
WARNING; TO ALL THE OLD LOVERS/BOYFIENDS WHO KNEW...ABOUT ME..MORE THAN I CAN SAY...THANKS FOR YOUR DISPENSATION...FOR LETTING ME GO. IN THE WAY I SHOULD IF I COULD, BUT DIDNT LAUNCH DUE TO POLITICAL REASONs OF WHICH MY HEART ACHES BECAUSE OF UNKNOWN REASONS, BUT ONLY TO THE SOUL. you know who you are...maybe you didnt need me...maybe I feed on you for too long...but can you blame me...? i truly loved you!
HOLD ON A MINUTE; I DID NOT SAY YOU!
UNLESS YOU ARE THE PASSIONATE, THE RHYME AND THE MEANING AND REASON OF EVERY SEASON.. OF ALL THERE IS AND ALL THAT SHOULD BE, BUT I USE YOU AS AN ICONGRAPHIC IMAGE OF A PERFECT LIFE AND A PERFECT LOVER WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT THE REAL YOU THAT I MISSED.
I THINK I MISSED YOU BECAUSE WHILE YOU WERE IGNORING ME THROUGHLY, I WAS LOST IN SPACE WITH JUNE ALLISON!
THE LONG FORGOTTEN HISTORY AND THE DISTANT ECHOES AND THE LAUGHTER OF GOOD TIMES KNOWN WITH YOU. THE DICTOMY OF MY PERIL IS CONVINCINGLY OBVIOUS TO MY BROKEN HEART. NOT TO ME. I COULD CARE LESS NOW. ECHOING IN THE BACKGROUND ALL JUST A FLEETING MEMORY BEFORE THE SYNAPSES CAVE? Close to scenic caves i heard!Today? Somebody looks like you then...but then orange country isnt that far from here..or my unforgiving heart...stop that...oh it almost did! Damn!
THESE TELLING THINGS ARE TRULY FROM THE HEART OF THE PAST, NOT TO HURT YOU. BUT TO HELP ME WORK THROUGH THAT STAGNATE MEMORY MOMENT IN TIME WHEN AS WAS LOST TO ME. MY HEART BROKEN INTO MANY PIECES AND YOU DID NOT CARE OR UNDERSTAND.
HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I FELT VERY ATTACHED TO YOU AND YOU ABANDONED ME LIKE YESTERDAY'S POOP. I THOUGHT I DESERVED BETTER, DIDNT I...?
THAT IS WHY MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN TODAY as usual. TIME TO FIX IT OR NIX IT.move on, right..50 years...that's a long time! I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER. I WISH I DID. IT IS MY HEART THAT PILOTS MY LIFE.AND TALKS TO ME NOW...TACHYCARDIA..hahaha!IN MY MIND'S HEART. HEART OF MIND...HOW HOW HOW CAN I STOP IT FROM RESTLESS HURT, INCOMPLETE. BUSINESS UNFINISHED..HEART UNMETTED...WHAT TO DO? TELL ME...PLEASE. HELP ME, I ASK YOU AS AN OLD FRIEND. I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU ANYMORE, ALTHOUGH MY HEART STILL DREAMS OF ONE, WHICH IS UNNATURAL, FOR ME TO BELEIVE YOU'D EVER, SEE ME AS YOUR PRINCESS...MY CINDERELLA DREAM MUST BE PUT TO BED...FOR ONCE AND ALL!!!YOU WERENT BRAD PITT!
YOURS WAS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. THEREIN LIES THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME. WE ARE TOTAL OPPOSITES TREES. MAYBE..THE SAME IN SOME WAYS YES, BUT I NEVER KNEW YEAH, REALLY NOT IN THAT WAY TOO. I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE FOUND OUT HOW, IF...I KNEW HOW TO REACH YOU DEAR. I AM SORRY I DID NOT TRY HARDER TO DO THIS. BUT WHAT THE HECK I WAS 18, YAH, AND SIZE SMALLER THAN I AM TODAY FOR SURE, BUT I AM NOT THAT FAT. MAYBE THAT IS IT I HAVE A FAT GENE? I DONT KNOW. I DONT CARE I JUST CANT EXPLAIN..MY HEART, MY HEART, MY HEART...? DIG? LOTS OF RETWEET THERE..
HOPE YOU WIFE IS LIKE YOU...I AM ALMOST POSITIVE SHE IS.OPPOSITES ATTRACT BUT SAME STAYS PUT...I SHOULD HAVE FOUND ANOTHER VIRGO..BUT WHAT EVER SIGN YOU ARE (I KNOW BUT WONT KISS AND TELL)HOPE YOU FIND THAT COSMIC CONNECTION. MINE WONT HAPPEN WITHOUT THE DISCONNECT OF NEED TO KNOW. YOU DO KNOW THAT DONT YOU???
TO FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME FROM THE HEART OF THE MATTER IS THE HEART OF THE MATTER. AS MUCH AS MY HEART WISHES YOU WERE HERE, YOU CANNOT BE HERE.YOU ARE THERE. WHICH IS GOOD. YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE. I HAVE MINE AND YET...PLEASE SETTLE THE SCORE...TELL ME THE REAL REASON AS TO YOUR EMOTIONAL VACANCY WITH ME. I KNOW YOU ARE KIND USUALLY. WHY THEN TOSS ME TO THE WIND WITHOUT A PARACHUTE? IT WAS NOT EASY. BUT I THOUGHT MY HEART WOULD GROW OUT OF IT, BUT THERE ARE THESE PENDING UNANSWER QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO BE ANSWERED SOON. SORRY.
WISH YOU COULD DO THAT, TELL ME THE TRUTH, BUT I KNOW...I FEEL THAT I DO KNOW, EVERYTHING, INTUITIVELY SPEAKING. WAS IT POLITICAL...WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT AFTER 50 YEARS? WOULD YOU COULD YOU OR ARE YOU SWORN TO SECRECY FOR ANOTHER 100 YEARS? MAYBE NOT..? OR THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE UNTOLD TO ME? UNTIL NOW. YOU WILL ANSWER ME SOMEHOW..I FEEL THE REAL YOU WILL COME THROUGH SOME DAY. I SAW A FAKE YOU I THOUGHT WAS A REAL YOU AND GOT CONFUSED. HMMMMM. HEARTLESS MOMENTS...WISH THEY COULD DISAPPEAR..BUT LIFE IS FULL OF REGRETS AND THIS IS A DAMN BIG ONE FOR ME.
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A SURE THING WAS RIDDLED WITH MISCONSTRUED TRUTHS. YES, ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE TODAY...DONT WORRY, IT WAS TOUGH, WAY TO ROUGH. ALTHOUGH, I GOT OVER IT. OR DID I? DR NOT REALLY. I WILL BE FINE, I THINK AND YET MY HEART SAYS NO, I STILL LOVE YOU, FROM WAY BACK THEN. BECAUSE OF...UNFINISHED BUSINESS. NO I DIDNT PUT YOU THROUGH MED SCHOOL I CAN HEAR YOUR DAD LAUGH OVER THAT ONE. BUT I DID PUT YOU THROUGH MY MED SCHOOL. YOU NEEDED A JANE? A JANE DOE? MAYBE? UHUH...LOVE BUSINESS. HEART BUSINESS. TO BLIND TERESIAS: ANSWER ME THIS; WHY DID YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LOVE ME THE WAY I NEEDED? WHERE YOU NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MY NEEDS, OR WAS I REPULSIVE TO YOU IN SOME WAY? WHICH WAY?THE LOOSE WAY...I WAS ONLY TRUE TO YOU. LIES FROM OTHER JEALOUS OF OUR LOVE? YOU LISTENED TO THEM? ONE OF MANY? WHAT WHAT WHAT. TELL ME SO I CAN TELL MY HEART SO I CAN STOP IT FROM GOING INTO CRAZY TACHYCARDIA. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS TEST. YOU LIKE TESTS? TRY THIS ONE! NO RIDDLES PLEASE!
AND WHY DID YOU HANG ONTO ME LEAVE ME IN THE LURCH FOR SO LONG A TIME IF THIS BUSINESS OF YOURS WERE THE CASE? DID YOU NOT LEARN HOW TO LEAVE A LOVER? EVEN STAN KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT? 5 YEARS. COME ON...YOU'D THINK I JUST SAY WHATEVER? NO CONNECT. NO RECONNECT. I PROMISE. JUST TELL ME NOW AND I WILL FOREVER LEAVE YOU ALONE I PROMISE, CROSS MY HEART! BY PLAYTEX.
MY HEART MEMORIES ARE LITERALLY KILLING ME.BECAUSE I HAD LOVED YOU BUT MY HEART KNOWS NOT FROM TIME. I NEED TO FIND OUT WHY, WHY WHY, YOU, WEE LAD OF THE EARLY YEARS DID NOT EMOTIONALLY ATTACH TO ME? WAS IT ME? WERE WE JUST TO YOUNG AND IMMATURE AND YOU GREW OUT OF ME LIKE YESTERDAY'S MR NATURAL TEESHIRTS? WAS IT ANOTHER? WAS IT YOU? WHAT COULD IT BE, ALL THREE? WERE YOU LYING TO ME? WHY THEN? YOU FIND BROKEN HEARTS A LA DOLOROSA A THING TO BE PROUD OF? TO KILL MY HEART IN THIS WAY IS BEYOND CRUELTY. I WANT ANSWERS AND I WANT THEM NOW. BEFORE THE NEXT TACHYCARDIA ATTACK. I MEAN THIS, I REALLY DO.
IF YOU DID NOT LOVED ME OR YOU DID LOVE ME BUT FOUND OUT I COULD NOT BE THE BEST CATCH BECAUSE OF SOME CONDITION OR CONSTITUTION I PRESENTED IT IS SAFE TO LET ME KNOW NOW BEFORE THAT DAY COMES SOON. MY D DAY. YOU KNOW...DEATH DAY.
I MAY STILL POSSESS YOU IN MY HEART. OF WHICH I HAVE NO CONTROL FROM SOME MIND CONTROL PROGRAM BY DR.LEARY'S. THANKS FOR THE DAISY BUT THE BROKEN RING DESIGNS ALSO TOLD ME...SOMETHING...AND THE GIF YOUR SISTER BOUGHT MEANT NOTHING BECAUSE I MEANT NOTHING TO YOU THEN AND I KNOW...SOMETHING WAS REALLY NOT FAIR..BUT FAKED FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT..HOW CRUEL..MY HEART CANT BELIEVE I FEEL FOR YOU OR THAT ANTIC. GHEESH...BUT YOU WERE 8 AND REALLY...I WAS 14...?WHATEVER THE AGE DIFF DOES IT REALLY REALLY MATTER. LOVE I THOUGHT WAS SPECIAL BETWEEN US...WAS A LIE AS GOOD AS ANY ACTOR WOULD DO...WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ATTITUDE TOWARDS WOMEN. VERY UNCHILVAROUS...AND YET IN OTHER WAYS YOU WERE SO....NICE.something can be said for nice, but what? were you a womanizer? you were awfully sexy to me...other women must have stolen you from my heart. what a shame, what a shame.
AND I SAW YOU WITH FRUITELLAS AND THOSE MINTY THINGS...WHAT WERE THEY CALLED? ANYWAY...PLEASE...LET ME GO BY TELLING ME WHAT YOU KNOW. WHY WHY WHY TREAT ME LIKE A LAB RAT GIRLFRIEND...NOT REALLY FAIR. I HAVE THESE SAME INTERESTS TOO, BUT YOU BEING MALE AND MORE POWERFUL BY YOUR VERY NATURE, AND A BRAINIAC WELL IT SEEMED THAT WAY. (HEY THAT WAS A WARNING SIGN TOO) AND YOUR STANDING, USURPED ANY POWER BASE OF KNOWLEDGE I MAY HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. PARANOID YOU CALL ME? AND TO YOUR FRIENDS...HOW MUCH POWER DO YOU HAVE, REALLY? YIKES! NO WONDER. BUT GHEESH. THIS IS TOO BIG FOR EVEN ME TO DEAL WITH, REALLY.
TELL THAT TO MY HEART!I SHOULDNT HAVE DROPPED THAT GIFT CARD YOU GAVE ME AT LEARYS. WAY TOO HEAVY FOR A DOOR OPENER, CAN I RETURN THE PRESENT TO CANADIAN TIRE? LADY KILLER ALWAYS GETS RETURNS FROM SENDER AINT KARMA A BITCH?!I AM NOT REALLY THOUGH?
WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THESE THINGS. WHY SO PLASTIC YOUR SCIENCE. SO OCCULT? IS THAT IT? YOU BELONGED TO AN OCCULT. WHICH ONE. THE RICH PPL'S CULT? WHAT IS THAT LIKE? WHY DO YOU FEEL YOU MUST DO ANYTHING TO HOLD ONTO POWER? TELL ME...LET'S CLEAR UP THIS LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING, OK? ARE YOU A COWARD?
YES, BEFORE I DIE or dye I WANT TO KNOW WHAT KILLED ME. IF IT IS A BROKEN HEART, THAT IS ONE THING. IF IT IS GENETIC. THAT IS ANOTHER THING. IF IT IS DIET THAT'S ANOTHER. LACK OF EXERCISE, YOU NAME IT.
YOU SEE HOW I DO THE SAME THING YOU DO EACH DAY? I MUST ELIMINATE THE CULPRIT. YOU MAY WALK BY MY DOOR WITH YOUR PLASTIC SURGEON'S CHIN (LOOKS GOOD FOR PLASTIC SUITS YOU) WITH YOUR BLEACHED BLONDE WIFE OF FEW YEARS. hey i have bleached hair?The Dr takes a rich wife. Glad of it, really (heart stop it)... I AM HAPPY YOU ARE TRULY HAPPY. IF YOU FEEL HAPPINESS. BUT IT WAS NEVER FOR ME BECAUSE...I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH. NO MY DADDY ISNT A BILLIONAIRE THAT'S TRUE (I THINK?) AND MY WIT ISNT WHAT HERS IS, OR WHATEVER. BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME, SOMEWHAT. JUST A DATE? A MATRIMONIAL CAKE? I NEVER GOT MARRIED. BUT THIS DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULDNT REALLY GLAD YOU DID..IT IS JUST THAT...MARRIAGE IS JUST A PRENUP ISNT IT? WAITING FOR SOMETHING BETTER ARENT YOU? I HOPE NOT. WHY ARE ALL MEN DOGS?
FOR FIVE YEARS? WHAT I GAVE UP OF MYSELF TO BE YOUR GENIE. GOD I'M DUMB. NO WONDER YOU DIDNT FIND ME INTERESTING ENOUGH TO MARRY. SO NOW I WILL BE FOREVER A SPINSTER OR SPIN DOCTOR. YOUR CHOICE. MY GRANDMOTHER THOUGHT I'D MARRY INGLEBERT HUMPERDINK (need some flake here)..ok i was flaky end of conversation..but wait a minute. you knew my new old boyfriend...someone saw you chatting at my employee..small world..rumour mills abound..did you listen to some rumours of me and
IT WILL BE LIKE THIS..I CAN SAY, IF YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH, I WILL BE LIKE THIS; OK THIS IS THE BS AND MOVE ON AND PASS OVER THE KARMA. CLAIM IT OWN IT. THE HEART CHAKTRA IS THEN GOOD. WAS IT YOUR DADDY AND MOMMY WHO DIDNT WANT ME AS YOUR SPOUSE BECAUSE THEY HAD ALREADY SET YOU UP FOR THE MOVE ON UP TO THE UPPER EAST SIDE?TALK ABOUT UPWARD MOBILITY. YOU DID LIKE THOSE PHONES MORE THAN ME. YOU SEEMED TO EAT LUXURY, AND I JUST DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WHATEVER FOR YOU I IMAGINE. OR YOUR FAMILY UPWARD MOBILITY STATUS? YES THAT WAS IT!!!DONT YOU LIKE TRAILER TRASH?
SOUNDS LIKE IT! AFTER THE KICKIN' KEGGER I WASNT REALLY MUCH APPRECIATED. OK. I GET IT.
BUT I DRANK TO HIDE THE PAIN thats what they all say BECAUSE I KNEW YOU LOVED ANOTHER AND I COULDNT HAVE YOU at least not EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING, YOU WERE ABSENT.marriage by proxy? YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME SO. YOU MADE ME SUFFER ENDLESSLY i got over it..just not that damn bleedin' heart! QUESTIONING MY GUILES AS A WOMAN. IS THAT WHY YOU SAID 'THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN" ON THE PHOTO FROM THOSE TIMES WITH THAT CAR?What can I do...nothing I suppose...suck it up...good one!
IF I AM SOON TO GO TO THE PROMISED LAND NOT KNOWING, TRULY KNOWING WHAT KILLED ME,IF IT WAS A BROKEN HEART. IT FEELS LIKE IT. I AM GOING THROUGH THIS ANGST, THIS PRIMAL STUFF,FROM THIS LONG AGO. BECAUSE I FELT STOOD UP AT THE ALTAR, FIGURATELY SPEAKING, IN MY HEART ANYWAY. I DONT KNOW WHY. OK YOU FEEL GOOD NOW. KNOWING WHY YOU HURT ME. THAT PLEASES YOU?
AM I FOOD FOR THE WOLVES OR FOOD OF THE GODS? THIS IS ALL ABOUT KARMATIC INFLUENCES. YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS. I DIDNT WANT TO FEEL IT. BUT IT IS REAL. HELP ME. HELP ME BY TELLING ME WHY WHY WHY...YOU WERE EMOTIONALLY VACANT FOR SO LONG. IS IT THAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND GENIUS? THAT GENIUS HAS NO EMOTION...NOT even TOUCH-BASE? THAT WOULD BE BASE!
OF COURSE WE CAN BLAME THIS ALL ON THE BLOB, BUT...COME ON, YOU JUST KNOW SOMETHING. I KNOW YOU DO. I FEEL YOU KNOW SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT YOU WERE TELLING ME. I DONT LIKE SECRETS. YOU HAVE LOTS OF THEM DON'T YOU?I HATE SECRETS WHEN I DO NOT KNOW THEM. WHY? BECAUSE THEY DIRECTLY AFFECT ME AND THEREFORE I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW (right to know, right on!) BASIS. THIS GOES FOR ANYONE, INCLUDING GOD WHO IS HOLDING BACK ON THESE TRUTHS BEFORE I DIE!!!
YES, IT IS EASY TO FEEL THE DISREGARDS NOW AFTER 50 YEARS; I WAS HOPING FOR MORE FROM YOU. YOUR HEART TO HEART but that was TOO much.. THAT YOU REFUSED TO GIVE TO ME FOR SOME REASON WITHOUT TELLING ME THAT YOU DID NOT LOVE ME. IF I HAD TO FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN BECAUSE THE "OOOMPH" JUST DID NOT EXIST. IT SEEMS ODD. JUST LUST AND LOVE DONT GO TOGETHER.. HOPING FOR SOME EXPLANATION BEFORE MY HEARTS RIPS OUT OF MY CHEST FROM CONFUSION.ok i just found this out...duh!
It is a good thing you did not marry me. Guess you were right. I didnt really have the right stuff. Maybe the right stuff for The Constellation Project though! Ya..that's it! June Allison, the Constellation Project..oh yah,,,,right...Maybe I was a mutant. didnt i just say that? I dont deny you wanting a better model, a healthier, prettier, richer person, with all the bells and whistles. How would I, how could I compete? i could only be me. with all the misgivings, i was missed somehow, i feel that...there is so much more to tell but i had to delete...it is all in here though..points to head.
My bow out was really because I knew you loved another. I was your mock turtle. You did make fun of me behind your back. The picture I remember with the uplifted Netherland finger. What was with that? Come on. The Doreen jokes. What's up with the uppity livers! Such obtuse snob appeal..but to whom? Yourself? For what? Damage control! god i was stupid!
Yes, you were emotionally vacant with me. I couldnt stand it. I wanted to FEEL love. Be Love. Not just going through the motions of "going through a relationship". That is all we knew after 5 years. Years I had hoped would make us closer. I had thought, hoped and prayed. So where are you now, really? Did you grow up emotionally? Are you still vacant with your wife or is your wife like you, emotionally unavailable?
There was something or someone in the wings, some prize, eh? I knew this on the famous trip to the stars er, ah, cars!. Yes, I knew this all to well. My intuition is strong. You knew one day this would happen. You knew that because you knew my history. You knew my grandfather died before I was born. Did you? No matter. He did die. Yes he did. Dead.
How could I stretch and attach all those dreams of togetherness foreverness my minds eye wanted to be. when it was all pie in the sky to you.my dreams meant NOTHING. I knew you were moving beyond my rank ranks. Why do I doubt myself because you did not lift up the self-esteem I needed to lift up from years of the subtle variety put-down. Let's face it. The good ol' boys just did not like me as much as the billionaire from the orange region. I was simply not good ENOUGH.
Depends on what is good enough. For me it is just being you. All of you, and that is all anyone can ask...except you wanted and got much more than me. Good for you. I applaud you and laud your amazing talent to be mr spoiled rich brat that always gets more than he asks for while dumping all things that get in the way of "he's going to be somebody". Because parents and connections. Yes it is all much clearer now, but still not clear enough for my heart.
Yes, I'm very glad you made it! Must have had some big strings pulling for you somewhere in your well-connected cage of well-connectedness. Hope you are happy. Truly I do. But what about me, the missing link, the string that was loosen and let fly into the sky to pop away into the black ink of space. Guess I answered my own questions. But my heart still bemoans. be moans. look it up.
Who needs a doctor for a husband, anyway. (ooops sort of got a dr. but I wanted a physician...cause I NEED A PHYSICIAN!!!) After all, it is personal, PIN. Think i will start to take aspirins. Love ya! O-U-T!!! (hope my heart is satisfied with this psychotherapy)