Saturday, August 8, 2009

The sculpture stood on a pediment near the entrance to the studio. the ancient studio with mouldy smells and ancient cold resolve, irreplaceable it's value. Like a lost world, the studio reminded her of regret and shame. There was no need to discuss these long lost feelings, for years she let them go. The feelings she thought had left were really held within her being from long ago and although she tried she could not remove herself from them. Maude cried to her soul "I try i really do". Maude being recently drawn into her bitter past as she recounted years of unfortunate circumstances from which she could not escape. For Maude all things past were to be avoided at all costs. From years and years of repressing the past into a compacted package of emotional angst Maude could only live in the now. As removed as she was from her past, she would turn away from all that would remind her of this conflict. Until today, Maude had buried the past along with her resolve never to love again. Alone and vacuuous the space surrounded Maude in the nearly empty studio overwhelmed her. Maude's strength and steely resolve to forget the past with it's ample and complex people connections was impossible. For all her bitterness, chips on her shoulders, and empty dreams her unfufilled destiny was to change dramatically today.

Before Maude entered the studio space at 999 Queen Street Maude felt a flood of emotionshe could not comprehend the tears she could not contain. Maude felt the salty sting of tears, making her charcoaled eyes and face puffy and itchy. A veil of tears stained her pinstripe chanel suit. The embodiment of shipwreck Maude felt beside herself; "Where is this coming from? These fleeting feelings don't exist", as she recollected her past formulative years as a beautiful young woman full of positive expectation.

Collecting herself was not easy as her breakthrought emotions created a heavy weighted feeling on her chest, Maude cntinued her slow sobbing, trying convince herself she was not this way. "Maybe it's just the change, these things happen". Maude had to convince herself that the unwarranted emotional outburst was just a biochemical release from hormones being absent. "It's really funny why I can't stop crying, yet I know that there is something bothering me and keep feeling like I have to find myself, the missing piece that was once Maude".

Maude soon entered the studio and methodically walked to the far end of the studio as to not drawn attention to herself. Through her tears she looked through her bifocals completely in amazement and awe of the studio space. All around her, the finest art she could imagine. In unexplained wonderment Maude could feel and smell a connection with her past. She smelt his musk cologne. "No, it couldn't be!" Maude knew this smell. On her last trip to Japan she had purchased Jade East for him. It cost $200 an ounce, a lot back then. Maude was beginning to realize, with the awakening of her recalled memories, the love she had felt for him.

Although the studio appeared empty, the key pieces of modernist sculpture held court. At the far end of the studio could be heart clinking teacups breaking the silence of the moment. Art patrons milled around the various works of art, commenting to each other about their extraordinary presence. Most were collecting around a few pieces, they looked like critics thought Maude. At the other end of the studio subdued laughter mingled with hushed converstation. Msude was drawn to the sound which whe felt added to the pinache of the moment and recovered her sense of self from the unbearable silence.

Simulaneously, upon hearing the jovial sounds, Maude regained her bearings and composure. 'All too soon', Maude thought. Maude enjoyed feeling her emotional surge of aliveness once more. As she had a chance to feel again, those long lost feelings opened the floodgate of buried memories. As the recalled images surfaced, Maude fought to stop the onslaught of the past painful memories. The flashback images had brought back to life her old feelings contained within her distant self and sand-worn with time. As Maude looked around her at the art which now became very familiar. "Of course, I should have known, Sergio's old stomping grounds!". The shock of having to take in these images from the past propelled Maude into a state of disbelief. Maude had to suspend her disbelief and realize she had accidently walked into her old boyfriend's studio. Sergio, was the love of her life, and since having had to leave him due to life's many misunderstandings was standing at the end of the studio, dressed in what could be best described as a gypsy tuxedo.

Her one-time lover, Sergio had been all the world to Maude. For Maude all things that were once past became like a polaroid snapshot. instantaneously dispersed Maude's emotions were heightened, she felt like she would faint. Maude had the irrestible urge to run from Sergio. She didnt want him to see her as this old version of herself. She did not want him to remember her this way. Sergio was there, in all his artistic splendour at the farside of the guest table. Standing besides a small vibrant woman Maude felt she did not want to interfere and tried to avoid Sergio's gaze. It was too late. Sergio recognized her. He quickly walked towards Maude with a beaming smile lighting up his face. Maude knew this was not a chance encounter with her past, it had to be a synchronistic moment in time when the past and the future link arms to make the moment that much stronger.

at the time and Looking her way, seeing her in her old clothes, her old skin, feeling as though he encroaching upon her hold on reality. As all around her now Se. These old feeling bringing back to life what she had thought had died. As she began to look around her, recognizing for the first time in her life, the purpose of her being. Her eyes widening at the thought of this chance encounter with her past.
Maude's extraordinary evening was to unfold.

Maude felt incredibly fortunate to recount so many blessed memories. The recollection of all things romantic evoked in Maude a return to her childhood and the comfort found there amid her friends and family. Lost from years of being adrift in a sea of bitter memories, from an imcomplete life which seemed meaningsless Maude was about to ebark upon a reawakening of her soul. Years ago Maude would relinquish her soul to others, giving without receiving, expecting nothing in return. As she had loved too much, gave away far too much of herself. She suffered for her art, her need to express love in an open and honest way. Maude was susceptible to a barage of malconents, wanted always to nurse the downtrodden professional.

Forever in danger of giving away too much for free, Maude represented the free spirit of love once upon a time, now left over, these halcyon days which were to never end. As the aged hippy reached middle age she had to reinvent herself for her own heart's protection. As Maude believed the unleashed and unlimited powers of love would conquer all, reality would prove to destroy her theories about love. As love had to be false or not at all like Maude had ordered and expect, Maude was lost in a sea of regret and broken dreams

Maude knew how to survive, she just did not know how to live with purpose any longer. As the night tightly found it's way across the sky, Maude's heart ached for those days where she knew only never-ending nights of love. Her fate being sealed like a tomb she made for herself her own hell, her own misgivings. As Maude entombed her soul, encasing her past encounters with woven silken bandages to cover her open wounds of shame and regret. Maude forever locking herself away from her own soul's content. Hidden away in recessed corners Maude's ability for any chance of future happiness was doomed. Without her soul being able to breath in fresh air and to experience love evaded her. Maude's countenance imbuded the image the deafeated woman. Where would she find the key to unlock the fortress of her own self-inflicted heart?

the door on her hearts desires all encounters that may have fufilled her every, never being able to out all promises and fufillment of light-filled love by the poor choices she made, she knew that in order to survive she must live a life with a retracted version of love. For Maude, survival was a necessary evil and a remedy for her broken heart. Maude took upon her mantel the burden of pain, her eyes could never hide the sadness her heart felt. and although the long lost summer of love prevailed for awhile, by it's very weightiness a heavy feat, stamped on her soul, her failure to sustain her ideals made her feel weak and vulnerable.

, which lasted decades was now awash in spiderwebs and mothballs. Although her faith in love did not diminish over the years, Maude could never make love last. Although Maude was now witnessing her old boyfriend's artist's retrospective she was now aware of huge chunks of missing time with Sergio.

Maude knew The sides of her mouth began to curl upwards smiling through her tears. It had been years since she had entered the artist's studio. When Maude had to begin her new path she left all the hurtful things behind avoiding her old way of life. Abandonment looked like the woman in the reflected evening light of the elongated handblown one hundred year old window. Her wispy gray hair around her temples gave her a sophisticated look as her skin still held its recoiled elasticity. Her style, a mixture of ancient goddess meeting cemented reality Maude had driven far for this moment. Attuned with uncanny resoluteness, Maude was direct in her confrontation focusing all her power on this night. Determined to find her long lost soul, Maude addressed her feelings of inadequacy and failure. As she felt her life fading away, caste off from her old ties, her friends and community would soon embrace again.

and fated world her new reality fate knocking upon the door, Maude was ready to open.

Maude held court. could not take away her old soul, it being permanently etched like a etched rendering of Rodin', it had an of her ex's collection. The modern sculpture adorning the studio looked like relics from temples and tombs found in the ancient world. their niche on the old wood cigar factory. This evening soft glowing lights gave a calming and serene atmosphere. She had felt she had entered a Buddhist temple. Far in the distance, at the very end of the elongated studio room, past the rippled glass of ancient windows gave an amber glow to the people's faces. At the farthest most end of the studio maude could see the guest table. The people's warm smiling faces were familiar, she felt at home. Although maude did not know how she arrived here, she felt comforted by the people in the room. Most were strangers, but they gave off a scent of familiarity, like even though she did not recognize their faces, she felt a bond with them, connecting to another time and space, other worlds away.

1 comment:

  1. cut me some slack, i need a new pair of slacks!