I IIII

Should I take a walk on thw wildside this a.m.? What do i have to loose? I must become self-actuated somehow. I must know what I want. I quote from the guy named gawain I found on my quote widget this a.m. Today I must ask and receive from the universe. All my facebook friends tell me to do this. Ok! I will do it already! I will ask the universe to bring back, bring back bring back my old boyfriend to me. And I dont mean just walking by my house. I have to talk. I need to talk. I must know what drove him (literally) away from me. What made him not want to connect to me, way back when (30 odd years ago). Ok I did it. Remember no walk by. Talk. I need to tell my old bf something. It is very important.

Anyway, you might wonder why I am so hung up on an old bf. Lucky I wont spell it out. I dont want to be labelled in anyway, as an idiot in particular. That is just cruel. If this means all intelligent ppl are cruel s&m'ers, (look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls) than I really do believe I will have to put up and shut up. The reality is so; life sucks. Life also lied to me and through me a huge curve ball I just could not bat out of Wrigley Field. And you feel that is fair? No way JOse! That was NOT fair!

Another reason why I choose this power yell at the universe, to relive the 70-to early 80's girlfriend angst is because secretly I am a masochist. Not that I want to be. It is a defined role for most women. Let's face it; we take it all the time. The bs. The "we've got to be smarter, prettier, richer" than the next broad that comes along and takes our dream prince.

But it is not only that, why I need (i mean need) to talk to the old bf. I cant just call him up and ruin his world now. I am not a house-breaker never have been, never will be. It isnt that. I really just want him to be honest with me for the first time in his life. Look, I dont hold any sway over him. No swag either. He has absolutely nothing to regret by telling me the truth about our 5 year relationship. The way it went cold for what reason? Boredom? Another future without me? I believe it was the latter. I felt so hurt for years feeling like I was not "good enough" or an "idiot" and that I would be forever believing that life is a cruel joke to the good hearted and honestly loving, most caring person ever to exist on this planet.
I felt that my honesty was not appreciated. That my burning the fire of desire was a wasted effort, for as I did burn, the bf looked the other way, maybe even grinning and callously laughing at my foibles. Not fair!

So the years when I literally saved his tight behind from jumping off the balcony meant nothing? I never expected a lifelong commitment because I just happened to save your life! No. NOt at all. I worried about the games you were playing on me for maybe the last 2 years of our relationship. It was bitter. Just because you could not be honest with me did not mean you had the right to treat me bitterly and with resentment I certainly did not deserve. Could you please fill in the blanks and then I promise; I will leave you alone forever. That is what you want.

So this "unfinished business" is really why I am here today, and maybe since I started this blog by Charles website. (Thanks Charles and no, I am NOT an idiot). You may be shocked to know who I know, what I know, and what I do for a living (really). To you it is all about personal power; to "thine own self be true". Yes, it is true. But at a horrible price to me. I lost my sense of self and my dignity (if I ever had any of that, it must have been eaten away long ago; these things tend to unravel the truth rather than covering it up).

Yes, I did need to talk to the old bf for many reasons. Mainly the fact that it is a man's world and the man's world decision to de-rank me ranked. It was awesomely horrible how I was thus dumped emotionally. A person can not hang onto something they dont have a hold on..do you know what I mean. Emotionally you became distant. You cannot marry a person who does not or cannot emotionally attach to you. It is impossible. I appreciate your intellect, yes, but there is something else you are negating; the soul. Did I really mean nothing to you or did you just feel nothing. You were after the almighty dollar and I stood in the way of your progress. One day you will realize the love of money is one of the seven deadly sins. Certainly you were kindly not to hurt my feelings? I don't think so.

The reason I need to talk today, is not due to the fact you realized your dreams without me. That I was never predestined to be on your rocket ship to the moon, that I was never part of your plans. That I was not good enough for you, even though I realize your true intent. Your intentions were not honourable with me. I realize that now, maybe far too late, but really I loved you, but you, in kind did not love me. Never?

Yes, I need to talk. Oh do I need to talk! I keep, (of late and I dont know why it took 30 years, but as I said "unfinished business" is "just business" and my business is not your business. No I dont need to know your business. I dont care about your business. It is irrelevant to me. I don't care. What I really want to know is this; Did you ever love me or were you just leading me on? What purpose did I serve. Was it all just charity. I was your charity case? Also; was I the 'butt" of any cruel joke? Did you feel accomplished by belittling my love for you? Was it my "idiocy" that made you leave me for much, much greener pastures? Why did you cut me off emotionally? I dont get it? Why did you hate me so much to do this to me; to lead me on, to dismantle my faith in love?

Much more than need to talk I need to tell you something. I have been having dreams lately. They have been about you. It started when I was going into my change (look it up in your Funk and Wagnalls). It wasnt easy for me. I keep having these "flash back diner" flashbacks. Where we were "the way we were" and I keep going to your house and you reject me. Your whole family rejects me. Laughs cruelly at me. For what reason. It hurts horribly. I thought (and now in hindsight) that you loved me. But it wasnt to be. I knew that. You were meant for better things. Being who you are. What your family is. What I was not, or could not be for some mistaken reason.
You left me with a Miss Haversham complex and you feel good about that (if the word good can register in your cranium).

Nonetheless I have one more thing to say. It isnt this midlife crisis of change the reason why I must talk to you. I want the honesty the whole encillada. I want it before I depart because this ripping out of my heart destroyed my life, my sense of self, my entire concept of being. It ruined me. I need to tell you this before I go so I have closure. I do deserve this.

And there is something else; recently I had a dream. It is a private dream. It is important to you as it is to me. If you want to know this dream I believe you should contact me at your earliest convenience.

I need to shake this thing off, it is drowning my soul.

Jane