Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Magpie #73 "When It All Goes So Wrong in a Good Way"

People of Chilmark, Thomas Hart Benton, 1920

Captain: Even the load, adjust the ballast; don't sink the boat! We're listing to the port starboard... for crying out loud! try to balance the daggum load!

First Mate: Oh my Goodness... We're going to sink!

Second Mate: Watch that jib! It just hit me in the head!

Bosun: I got to warsh the decks! Maybe I'll go below deck and scrub there first!

Admiral: Oh good Goodness; not now Bosun!...Captain; remember to keep her two degrees nor-west! Do you need my assistance?

Captain: Yes Sir, but please remember; I am in control of this ship. I am in full command during this blasted Nor-eastern of a perfect storm!

Admiral: That's very Admirable of you Captain! Of course you are! (smiles smuggly)

Captain: Excuse me Sir if I sounded at all harsh back there; it is just that...

Admiral: It's only water under the bridge're doing a fine job! And congratulations on your solo, Captain! You'll receive your second strip soon...of this I am certain! Just keep her...(shouting to the crew Holy Jehosaphat...STEADY AS SHE GOES!(mumbles under his breath)

3rd mate: Would you mind taking you hand off my deck or I'll deck you!If you're not more careful next time; I am going to claim sexism when we get to the next port!

First Engineer: You've got to pull in a little tighter! Make an arabesque which
looks like an inverted golden triangle. That's kinda sexy!

Captain: First Engineer; mind your nuts and bolts!

Bosun: Did you say we're in the Bermuda Triangle...where's that? Pass that ball over here for awhile, would yah?

2nd Mate: No way am I giving up this ball...I'm in a contest to see how long I can hold it!

Admiral: Go back to cabin Bosun...I want to have a word with you! What's that monsterous thing between your legs? Oh never mind! It's one of the waterlogged sea nymphs!

Bosun: Am I the cabin boy for the day today Sir? Yes, Sir!May I serve tea today Sir?

Admiral: And take that blessed ball with you!

Third Mate: Hey! That's MY ball!

Captain: I don't really know where we are Bosun...first mate, what's our bearings?

Admiral: I'm going to tell you what I think of that annoying ball! (kicks the ball like a soccer ball over the starboard side). Oh yes, one more thing; everyone and Jim thinking that they'd rather play ball than bail water during a perfect storm will walk that plank. (points to plank that is now missing)

Captain: Who's Jim?

First mate: I think the sextant went overboard, Sir.

Captain; PwShaw! Use the northstar!

Second mate: I can confirm that we are sailing Southwest by South by 3 degrees, Sir.

Captain: How'd you figure that out?

Second mate: The northstar like you told us to Sir!

Captain: Sounds good to me! Do you feel something swirling? I think we are in a whirlpool, darn the torpedoes and the quirky navigational equipment...

Second Engineer: Did you say "quirky navigational equipment" Captain?

Captain: Yes, I did. What do you want to do about it now number two?

Second Engineer: I could try to repair it, Sir?

Captain: (starts laughing hysterically) Go ahead, be my guest!

2nd Engineer: (smirks)

Chief Officer: What's going on here? (rubs eyes, is still in his pj's)

Captain: You haven't noticed the storm?

Chief Officer: No Sir. I apologize; I did have WAY too much rum last evening. I don't...feel...very...well.(starts to dry-heave)

Captain: Are you sure you don't want to be relieved of your duty? Quarters! Report to the nursing station immediately!

Chief Officer: Sir, (looking at Bosun; aside) What did he say...I think I must have hit my head on the head. (to the Captain)I thought the storm was part of my landlubber rubbery sealegs! I haven't been to sea in six months, Sir!

Captain: I do feel for you, Junior Officer, but that's no excuse. I am afraid we cannot use you right now! You are relieved of your duties. Shape up or Ship out!

Third Officer: (appears from the lower decks his head peeking around the corner at the action) Sir, I hope you don't mind if I don't come up right now...(starts to barf)

Captain: Someone drag that dagnabit Third Officer here immediately! Change of plan; (directly to Third Officer) and I don't care if you look like a little green banshee in diapers...get up here, now! You are taking over my position!

Third Officer: (sheepishly) yes Sir?

Captain: You two; quit your bellyaching...we need all hands on deck! I am going below decks to see if there's anymore demon rum left!

Chief Officer: (straightening up but appearing sterling green) Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!

Third Officer: I don't feel very good...(upchucks over the Captain)

Captain: In that case, I suppose all have to stay on my shift for another few minutes or so. (said to himself) The seaspray should warsh this off!

Chip: Sir, you wanted me to fix the mast?

Captain: (angrily) Forget the damn conflagnabit %$#@* mast! She's laying in davy jones locker now...what's the use?!

Chip: Perhaps I could sand the wheel(with nerdish earnestness)

Captain: (wild-eyed look)...For the last time Chipper...Get away from my dang flippin' wheel! And stay far away from me! Take off! (pushes the carpenter out of his way) (Carpenter scrambles below deck).

Admiral: Oh wonderful! Looky what I found! I can see land ho! Wait a moment; I believe it is's...(dazed look)...Chilmark? Missouri? What the?

Captain: I guess we overshot the mark, Admiral...(smiles sheepishly).

Admiral: Fine job, Capn! Fine job!


All hands on deck! Get onboard the unsinkable Molly Brown here:


  1. haha..this was a delight to read...

  2. In spite of it all, I think I might have enjoyed a ride on that boat! Love the reference to Chillicothe MO.

  3. What fun!! I think I know some of those sailors. :o)
    — K

    Kay, Alberta, Canada
    An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel

  4. Absolutely, completely, stark, staring bonkers.
    That's what you planned, I hope?