20. First random thought of the day is usually attached to my dream life with Liam Neeson. Oh my gosh, he is so Celtic! Yes, I love to think I could connect on some intrinsically spiritual level, like a celtic design pattern, melting souls so. Well that is the romantic in me (on my nother's side). My father's side with the Irish roots really makes me feel...well...unsure. I have never really known any Irish people considering my family was prototypical Irish roots. But the roots were old I suppose, from the potatoe famine times of the mid 1800's. We were farmers as most were, and we were earthy. I dont know how much Druid would be left in the Christianized Irish, but I think the superstition thing did invade my life somewhat. If I really had this luck thing down, I am sure I would have won last nights 649 39 million, no matter! It is going up to 48 million on Saturday! haha! The Luck O' the Irish!!! Wish I knew THAT! hahah! Yes, well, I do have the pursuant dream of the writer, but to be honest, James Joyce was way to brash for me. I mean, he is just plain RUDE! I mean that is rather funny, the brits, they have this nature of funny baseness in their lingo which makes me "laugh my head off backwards". hahah! LMAO!!
Well, the culture is still so rich in nuiance, I love that. The old country cultures seem to have contact with those pithy roots of our base human nature. There is a definite honesty there which I TOTALLY appreciate! Liam and Jim Morrison present to me that soul-connection which NEVER LETS GO. If you have sex with either I am sure you will continue to have sex with them for at least 10 more generations of reincarnation. I hope this time I could get JIm off the horse! lol, jajo
21. Oh not a very random number for me, 21! I think I love 21. NOt just blackjack, but every other form of random number generations that appear Lucky. On the luck thing. I am not a wimpadelic "I'll pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today". NO not at all! Although luck is for wimps! I mean, really!!! You know it is like this; you believe you are going to win, and then...nothing! It is not easy when you think you have conjured all the green rabbits feet from The Beaver restaurant or magic flashlights from Pink Elephant popcorn and put your own particular "hex" on the numbers only to find all this for naught! Yes, I beleive there is a time and place for those numbers to "let go" and release their "luck to you". Good luck, my friends to you, please rub my magic green rabbit foot! (that sounds gross, excusez!)...lol, ja jo
22. Contrarily, the next thing which is odd ball is that the lucky numbers next bankroll are usually unlucky as heck and the generational numbers movement can make all luck negateable. As if you win with 2121 and then when the numbers turn to 2222 you have this incredible bad luck, much worse than any good luck fostered by 2121!!! What IS with that? Not wanting to be superstitious, (I cant help that I am, being Irish roots and all)...you know it will happen one day. You wake up and say "Do I feel lucky (do I?)...and yes you do. You pull the right strings that day. You win the purple panda bear (yes I did at the a CNE). I had that "intuitive" knowing that that "string" would pull that bear and he "would be mine, forever". I also prayed to win the bear from St. John and this is really wierd, but I was always sort of scared of that won purple panda bear. (sounds like Mister Rogers program whom I adore). Yes, it is true, luck exists in some unknown entity. That is why people always say "be careful what you wish for" it can have 2222 consequences. It is simply Newtonian "cause and effect". The nature of Equal and Opposite reactions. Thankyou Mr. Newton from Cambridge! Lovely!!!Once I figure it out, I can enjoy the multimillions with total hedonistic abandon, but then again, look what careless abandon can do to the likes of a sungod like Jim? OMG I dont want to think about Icarus factor, flying too close to the sun. It is fateful, and cathartic denounement of a favourite Homerian play. Tragedy or Comedy or a combo? Will you have fries with that or that bag of potato chips from the potatoe famine. How is this possible? Help needed here!:)
23. Well, ya, it is always the same, I put the cat out, the cat wants in. Life is like that. Cause and effect. 23 is rather an odd number for me. I was suppose to be married by 23. Of course this didnt happen. But I so wanted it to happen. I wanted to be married at 23 because, my parents were married at 23. I wrote a poem "I bought a guitar at 24" which I did. I think the guitar pursuit was the beginning of telling myself "I will never be married at 23, so just forget ever being married". The fairy marriage nymphs obviously did not sprinkly my head with love dust enough to make my stoic boyfriend to marry me. I waited, as in the desert of waiting forever. Nothing. Nope, nothing. I wasted years not knowing that this relationship would be anything. I lingered longer, languishing in the fact I would be forever a "Miss" or "Missed". What was I thinking? That a "knight in shining armour" that my "prince would come" usually and that I would be forever, forever loved as a divine light being; honoured worships, lavished upon, treated as a star quality, with many honourariums issued for feats of wonder that I am. Cut the crap! Life sucks now! We arent Druid witches making things happen. There's not this instanteous, "we can have anything we think we can have". How naive. I realized this naivity far too late. I was, seriously, living in a dream world where all wonder would unfold the red carpet before my gargantuan feet as I strode lightfooted without leaving a footprint on the red carpet of lust and greed need. Yes, it was delusional my Salvador Dali world, and because I started to believe the fantasy, oh so tragic, overall. I have gotten smarter in my old age, thank-god! I could tell you more, but this is For Your Eyes Only, Baby!!!lol, jajo
24. At twenty-four I bought a guitar! Hmmmmm...a poem I wrote many years ago. At twenty four I committed myself to myself rather than some man that would make me that white picket fence dream. Being an artist, wearing short punk hair to New York and looking like a butch lesbo man, i gave up my pink flowergirl tulle for a world of I'm tougher than what you can dish out". I guess it was the punk age. I did frequent those places (The Blue Boot). OMG they were rough n tough. I would listen to Steve Stunning 63 Monroe and dream about meeting Jack London in some skanky bar where I could continue my Moulin Rouge dream of the rogue in training. The irreverant artist, the angry young woman syndrome. The "there's got to be more than this" cry. I'd find my rougher tougher side, and "leave it all behind" (Men Without Hats).I really new all men were gay and the wedded dream bliss was a lie or not a lie...it just was phoney, fake, bs, crap. Women would be subjegated to the back burner, lesser persons of a nongod. No religion too. There was this emptiness that translated to angriness, punkness. Who gives a damn? Nash the Slash could give me the impetus fear I needed to find those kinky dreams of unrestrained lusting for life on the wild side. Of course I didnt get wild. I couldnt. I was too Catholic roots (hey it did sink in). I saw all around me the spectre of evil in the punk circle. The punk girl waiting by the male washroom grossed me out and I quit the topic. It was scanky beyond belief and I just couldnt get into it that much. I had retained from my halcyon days my much need moral fibre. I liked the music, the rebelliousness, the rawness, but I was young and had the energy.I didnt like relieving myself on sodden streets. Women just dont do that. The Garage wasnt really private enough, or dark enough a place. I am sure the 80's hidden camera may have caught such horrid indiscretions of a need to go girl. Today, I can take the new music, as long as it is tempered with less decibles (db). The Ramones really did make me deaf for a week. The ears rang and rang and rang. Was it worth it, all that pain after the drunken debauchery? I think not! I take it I am much more of a mod than a rocker anyway. Although I like the black leather, it really didnt make my ass look big. (yes it did). Who cares, I didnt care for awhile. And I lost it all so suddenly.jajo
where i log i b
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Random 25 on Feelings and Random "thoughts" which are mainly INAPPROPRIATE 17-19/25
17. Random and wise words from Rachel Ray's grandfather today; "you have two choices; to lsugh or cry; choose laughter and be happy!" I love the joie de vivre of the Italians, and other romance language cultures as they intrinsically know HOW TO LIVE. How we can learn so much from other cultures. My culture is sort of messed up and stuffy considering how other cultures really do have their act together and have gotten the wisdom thing down pat. It would have been nice to know these simple truths early and to be down to earth and to have people to promote "down to earth-ness". It would have been a blessing to me many times over. I think that paranoia, like healthy lifestyles can get generationally passed down as easily as genetic disease. No matter which culture, we can learn from our ancestors. It does take a great deal of effort (and money) to dig up the truth about "from wence we came". It is what we are now which is important, what we were is like the dust. Keep the good, toss the bad, learn that we are lucky to suck the air. Honour the earth. Honour ourselves. Honour our worth as humans. We are all that and a bag of potoato chips!
18. How to help others? Once we have "ourselves down pat" understand our nature, and our place in the world, and are happy and satisfied that we make a difference we can attempt to help others.Helping others is a great gift. It is important as when we help others we help ourselves, as each part is dependent on the other. A visual of this would be the dominos effect. When we all work together great things can happen, almost miraculously so, (I am still really wondering how great feats of mankind are ever rendered...somebody clue me in...there are some really "wierd" processes going on when we all"clik" like we are acting amoeba-like..one souled amoeba that is...)when we find we have that ability to act SYNCHRONICITICALLY TOGETHER AS ONE ENTITY AND we realize hey, something larger than the some of "our parts" is working order here, that is truly, truly, AMAZING!!!
19. Do you like to watch (that reminds me of an old dirty joke)foreign films (a funnier dirty joke). Yes, I do remember my Foreign Film course. It really was an eye opener! People in other countries do not see the world as we see it in Canada at all, no, not at all the same way! It is so unique to find out the perspective of the film, why it was made in the certain way, the culture which bred the art of film and what message is important to a particular country. Foreign film (with subtitles) is really like watching a National Geographic film, it really does seem "foreign", whatever "foreign" means...does it mean different? How did cultures get to be so different???Oh space and time...that made us foreign to foreigners. It is like looking from behind the looking glass at another dimension, really. It is so odd. We do have universals which stay fairly constant from country to country. But like the words; Idioms, which really translate very oddly and not very well. Does this make sense? "A la queue leuleu" (translates directly to As the wolf's tale" which is an indian-french idiom and does not make a heck of a lot of sense unless you know the culture BEHIND THE WORDS. Another example; C'est vieux comme les rues which translates directly to It is al old as the streets and in English this translates to "It is as old as the hills" which does make a lot more sense. Do you notice how successful communication enriches our culture and allows us a much richer and honest view of another "foreign" culture. Time to work on these idiosynchratic cultural differences and get rid of the word "foreign". Foreign should be a four letter word! How's that for an Idiom!
18. How to help others? Once we have "ourselves down pat" understand our nature, and our place in the world, and are happy and satisfied that we make a difference we can attempt to help others.Helping others is a great gift. It is important as when we help others we help ourselves, as each part is dependent on the other. A visual of this would be the dominos effect. When we all work together great things can happen, almost miraculously so, (I am still really wondering how great feats of mankind are ever rendered...somebody clue me in...there are some really "wierd" processes going on when we all"clik" like we are acting amoeba-like..one souled amoeba that is...)when we find we have that ability to act SYNCHRONICITICALLY TOGETHER AS ONE ENTITY AND we realize hey, something larger than the some of "our parts" is working order here, that is truly, truly, AMAZING!!!
19. Do you like to watch (that reminds me of an old dirty joke)foreign films (a funnier dirty joke). Yes, I do remember my Foreign Film course. It really was an eye opener! People in other countries do not see the world as we see it in Canada at all, no, not at all the same way! It is so unique to find out the perspective of the film, why it was made in the certain way, the culture which bred the art of film and what message is important to a particular country. Foreign film (with subtitles) is really like watching a National Geographic film, it really does seem "foreign", whatever "foreign" means...does it mean different? How did cultures get to be so different???Oh space and time...that made us foreign to foreigners. It is like looking from behind the looking glass at another dimension, really. It is so odd. We do have universals which stay fairly constant from country to country. But like the words; Idioms, which really translate very oddly and not very well. Does this make sense? "A la queue leuleu" (translates directly to As the wolf's tale" which is an indian-french idiom and does not make a heck of a lot of sense unless you know the culture BEHIND THE WORDS. Another example; C'est vieux comme les rues which translates directly to It is al old as the streets and in English this translates to "It is as old as the hills" which does make a lot more sense. Do you notice how successful communication enriches our culture and allows us a much richer and honest view of another "foreign" culture. Time to work on these idiosynchratic cultural differences and get rid of the word "foreign". Foreign should be a four letter word! How's that for an Idiom!
Randomly Inappropriateness Feelings Usually ARE AKWARD EXCUSEZ13-16/25
13. Good Luck, Bad Luck? Number 13? How do you perceive 13? Until my child was born on a 13th, I must have felt the sentimentality of suspicion and let myself fall for this "glitch". Although there may be something to luck, if a warrior is powerful enough the effect of the numbers game (numerology) is easily displaced by powerful conjuring skills. Luck can be turned around, and can go either way, quickly. Or it can linger like the dolldrums forever damning a person either way. Stagnation with luck isnt really good luck at all. Even if we have everything in this world we need and are given every luxury in material wealth and lucky in love we still, one day, must face our demons. That we will not always have things, people etc and must stand on our own and account for our actions, as we are a huge recorder and the ID NEVER lies. Luck, in my opinion is an option for conjuring, but not an end to itself. We can make things work in our favour, we can negate the beast of unluck once and for all, we can find the numbers that click, but then, eventually numbers run out and we are faced with that neverending ID within the ETERNAL mechanism which really doesnt care much for luck, only Truth and Love. Good Luck!
14. Fantasagoria...make believe worlds. New designs. Making a wholly new world evolve from out of the ashes of a half-life. "Living and Partially living". We are in need to make better our lot here and there (in the soul). We can and do make a difference, but must be active participants in the actualization of the creative process. WE need to feel that what we say, do, think, feel, act, originate, create, be, are, want, need, perpetuate in perpituity will exist. That all we are makes a difference matters and can create from thought process. Thoughts are powerful in that they recreate reality and retell our story and maybe our destiny. WE have to believe we have this effect on our Youniverse. We are able to achieve it because the soul is destined for this. We have the right to make a difference by trying to make a difference, by actively pursuing change for the better. Little things, will add up. Think about what you want the world to be, focus upon it, and it will be. It is that simple. We are what we think. So think good thoughts and make good happen for the betterment of all. I will focus on this prayer, that our future's will be good, beneficial, creative, talented, bright, sunny, green, long, happy, fufilling, beautiful, sharing. We all need this, one to another.
15. Random, random you borrowed my ski mitts randall and did not give them back because you didnt know that I needed them because your family was so rich you didnt understand that those gloves were the only ones I had and I gave them to you. I wanted you to remember me in my need, but you forgot, that's ok. Just change, Randall and remember we cant all have material wealth at our fingertips. Things were not all so easy for me as they were for you. You had the golden light of a halo around you, you were blessed, but you did not bless me. I could certainly use your blessing now, as you know they will come back to you, multifold Youniverse! Randall, darling, don't forget me in my need, give me back my gloves please, so my hands dont freeze in this bitter cold friendship of waiting desire.
16. Feelings are just an excuse for lack of soul communication. If we're into the soul being, our feelings change to places and these places are not spectral light of multihued gems of feeling's colours. They are places of white luminosity and do not have need for colour. The purity of the white light of wisdom is threefold. Spirit, Heart and Soul. We have defined the divinities. They have a reality which may be difficult to maintain, but speak of a unity which defies description in thought, word or feeling. Waiting for that white light to surround me and then I will send it your way, as your power shield. What are friends for?
14. Fantasagoria...make believe worlds. New designs. Making a wholly new world evolve from out of the ashes of a half-life. "Living and Partially living". We are in need to make better our lot here and there (in the soul). We can and do make a difference, but must be active participants in the actualization of the creative process. WE need to feel that what we say, do, think, feel, act, originate, create, be, are, want, need, perpetuate in perpituity will exist. That all we are makes a difference matters and can create from thought process. Thoughts are powerful in that they recreate reality and retell our story and maybe our destiny. WE have to believe we have this effect on our Youniverse. We are able to achieve it because the soul is destined for this. We have the right to make a difference by trying to make a difference, by actively pursuing change for the better. Little things, will add up. Think about what you want the world to be, focus upon it, and it will be. It is that simple. We are what we think. So think good thoughts and make good happen for the betterment of all. I will focus on this prayer, that our future's will be good, beneficial, creative, talented, bright, sunny, green, long, happy, fufilling, beautiful, sharing. We all need this, one to another.
15. Random, random you borrowed my ski mitts randall and did not give them back because you didnt know that I needed them because your family was so rich you didnt understand that those gloves were the only ones I had and I gave them to you. I wanted you to remember me in my need, but you forgot, that's ok. Just change, Randall and remember we cant all have material wealth at our fingertips. Things were not all so easy for me as they were for you. You had the golden light of a halo around you, you were blessed, but you did not bless me. I could certainly use your blessing now, as you know they will come back to you, multifold Youniverse! Randall, darling, don't forget me in my need, give me back my gloves please, so my hands dont freeze in this bitter cold friendship of waiting desire.
16. Feelings are just an excuse for lack of soul communication. If we're into the soul being, our feelings change to places and these places are not spectral light of multihued gems of feeling's colours. They are places of white luminosity and do not have need for colour. The purity of the white light of wisdom is threefold. Spirit, Heart and Soul. We have defined the divinities. They have a reality which may be difficult to maintain, but speak of a unity which defies description in thought, word or feeling. Waiting for that white light to surround me and then I will send it your way, as your power shield. What are friends for?
Warning Mostly Inappropriate Random thoughts...9-12/25
9. Get away from the from "feelings icy grip" on my life, I'd have to say, there are a lot of good things which my vaccumed out heart (sucked?) seems to have evaded like the evasive species of soul suckers. To suck is divine ms m, yet women like to get jiggy with it too. Feelings have been, like other things, often blocks in my life which need moving. I wish I could move these emotive barriers. They have stuck me with a burden untowards. Personally, I wish I knew how to free of them. As well, as never having feelings there there and everywhere. This feeling thing can suck and suck so much. No wonder I sucked my thumb for so long. Anyway...totally this was not my intent on this random page, how I do ...get off topic. Since I am on "feelings" again, I might as well stay there, to find out how the f did they all go so wrong? Today I have learned to control the negative to positive, even though a lie of sorts. Blanky blank f lies! Truth in feelings is never easy. A hard road. No wonder guys avoid like the plague (which I often felt I was another version of typhoid mary (jane). That too. Clear and free, I can adapt. And make due.(do)...dodo, yes, I make dodo!Feelings being that basic and base at times. Yes truth, in my opinion, hurts. Of course that my hormones are "whacky" for this wack I guess..i can assume (ass of you and me) that feelings, have, after all is said and done, been a Saving Grace(s). Good book! Thanks Audrey! I hope some of my old buds will one day (hopefully not at my wake) read this and find some humour here, coming from that place where I had been stuck for so long. Do I think my old friends will ever understand what I have been through? Oh yes, I have faith in that, because I have faith in them and always have and always will. I honour you my friend, fido honourus una Mucho Gratis!
10. Random, random thoughts blankity blank. What is with trying to find long lost self, long lost love (i thought was love?), and long lost friends (i thought were friends?).Maybe I just think differently. Maybe I have WAY TOO MUCH OF THE EMPATHETIC PATHOS What if, I was completely deluded! I never had anyone like me, ever. What if my soul is unlikeable, horrorible, creepy, mean, psychotic, spacey, dreaded, feared, paranoid delusional? What if all I believed that I was good, was reversed and I was, to others, the worst case scenario of a person. Worse than, let's say, Charlie Manson? Who would give others that opinion? Certainly my actions, my "essence" or energy "soul" is damned. What if all I believed in was wrong? If I had absolutely lost my soul as I had lost my heart in the love process? What if rumours of how horrible I had been or was had been circulated and made me into a female monster of unknown entity? Could life really get that distorted? How could it? Why would it? Obviously, friends move on, they don't hate me, they have new experiences, family has their family, they are busy, I am a burden of some sort because I have always been TOO DAMN needy. Comfortable in my own skin? How could this be? Maybe, just maybe, I was Born On a Rotten Day!
11. The beautiful soul in me cannot be put down by the enemy of Love. Love shines through, the clouds clear, and focused upon the wonderful newer, more beautiful worlds emerge from what I once thought of myself. Negative putdowns do take their toll, the absence of positive reinforcement (mostly from myself) has led me to not believe that I could be "all that I could be" or maybe I just wasnt wanted "enough". Whatever the reason I had to find my reason as to why I deserved to be deserving of the good feelings of self wanting not self-loathing. I know can honestly say I love myself and all the rest follows. Others are loved in turn, I can truly give now because I have learned to TRULY LOVE MYSELF. Amen to that Lord, Amen to that!
12. About myself, my inner self, the one I like to concentrate upon, I have a need to redo the old artist's self-portrait. Watching Kirk Douglas' version of Vincent Van Gogh awakened me to how much like Vincent I am, and I struggle daily with where me ends and you begin. I tend to want to include you in my world so much that you may feel smothered. This honestly was never my intent. If you do not want to be here you wouldnt be. However, I know you choose to be here because my experiences can teach you something on this life path to wisdom from knowledge's essential experience, ground down to a fine particulate of wisdom's crystalline formation. And truly you know I love you and you feed, like me, on LOVE. right on Baby!!!
10. Random, random thoughts blankity blank. What is with trying to find long lost self, long lost love (i thought was love?), and long lost friends (i thought were friends?).Maybe I just think differently. Maybe I have WAY TOO MUCH OF THE EMPATHETIC PATHOS What if, I was completely deluded! I never had anyone like me, ever. What if my soul is unlikeable, horrorible, creepy, mean, psychotic, spacey, dreaded, feared, paranoid delusional? What if all I believed that I was good, was reversed and I was, to others, the worst case scenario of a person. Worse than, let's say, Charlie Manson? Who would give others that opinion? Certainly my actions, my "essence" or energy "soul" is damned. What if all I believed in was wrong? If I had absolutely lost my soul as I had lost my heart in the love process? What if rumours of how horrible I had been or was had been circulated and made me into a female monster of unknown entity? Could life really get that distorted? How could it? Why would it? Obviously, friends move on, they don't hate me, they have new experiences, family has their family, they are busy, I am a burden of some sort because I have always been TOO DAMN needy. Comfortable in my own skin? How could this be? Maybe, just maybe, I was Born On a Rotten Day!
11. The beautiful soul in me cannot be put down by the enemy of Love. Love shines through, the clouds clear, and focused upon the wonderful newer, more beautiful worlds emerge from what I once thought of myself. Negative putdowns do take their toll, the absence of positive reinforcement (mostly from myself) has led me to not believe that I could be "all that I could be" or maybe I just wasnt wanted "enough". Whatever the reason I had to find my reason as to why I deserved to be deserving of the good feelings of self wanting not self-loathing. I know can honestly say I love myself and all the rest follows. Others are loved in turn, I can truly give now because I have learned to TRULY LOVE MYSELF. Amen to that Lord, Amen to that!
12. About myself, my inner self, the one I like to concentrate upon, I have a need to redo the old artist's self-portrait. Watching Kirk Douglas' version of Vincent Van Gogh awakened me to how much like Vincent I am, and I struggle daily with where me ends and you begin. I tend to want to include you in my world so much that you may feel smothered. This honestly was never my intent. If you do not want to be here you wouldnt be. However, I know you choose to be here because my experiences can teach you something on this life path to wisdom from knowledge's essential experience, ground down to a fine particulate of wisdom's crystalline formation. And truly you know I love you and you feed, like me, on LOVE. right on Baby!!!
RANDOM thoughts Appropriate Enough 8 to /25
8.Blocking out huge chunks and focusing on the happy times of my youth growing up. Probably adolescense was awkward for me. Confidence...working on that too. Feeling I am ok, as I am, without any makeup, without "airs", being nakedly accepting of me is probably difficult. I think it may be due to my way of seeing life, and feeling an undercurrent imposed by the strict religiousity of my existence. When the "me" generation happened in the 80's I did not like it. I noticed my friends were all getting into the more is more rather than what I wanted to be "less is more" as in the 70's back to the earth sharing. I did not want the success train. I backed away from what I saw as a "phoney" way of living. Sure I wanted the "white picket fence" Americana dream. I wanted it all. It did not happen that way for me. I felt it didnt happen because I wasnt good enough. However, I think behind the curtain, the Wizard of Oz was whipping up something else for me. Even though I believe I really had no control over the events in my life, I do realized I do not need that control if I have a good ol' soul, which I have. And I am glad of it. I dont need to feed from other's successes, although, I think this was a feeling like ...ok....I love and accept you, if you don't accept me, that's YOUR PROBLEM! Eventually you will get old like me and get smarter as to the real important things in life. The people that tried to love you and you thought they were not good enough were the Capstone that was rejected. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. The meek shall inherit the earth. Who the heck will want it then? Believe me, I will want to receive what good I have been putting out there. The physics of this philosophy is "If you love something, set it free; If it was meant to be, it will come back to you", and Penelope Leach (child development dr) give your children "roots and wings". May you one day find that I would have been a steadfast and true friend if I were not the constructionists rejected capstone! I held you up, I saved your life, but you were through with me, for whatever reason, there was an emotional blank ratherthan a rabbitblanket I had wanted. You understand, I know you do. If only I knew your motives...please tell me what went so wrong, when I tried so hard..to make love last. I am last in love and know that I feel a huge blank that just wont let me be. Vacuums belong in space, not in the heart. Fill me in spiritually please, I implore you. Thanks - you know who you are and I ask for an answer. Please don't tell me I was this HUGE joke like "Doreen"..oh maybe I was, maybe you could tell me this so I know my weak nature that was so fun, colin mockery
9. This is way too random, and as usual, I go back to the stuck feelings rather than the full world I should know. I feel like something was ripped from my soul. Like those women that put their boyfriends through med school (ok there is spiritual and financial benefactors)..I thought I was giving everything I could but why was it not good enough? I wish I knew the truth, then I could get back to those revelations of world truths, rather than this individual truth which evades me until I know...the truth about why you left me emotionally blank turtle lake.
10. Random...you may have lost hair by now, gone gray, have wrinkles. Do you feel vulnerable. Will you ever? Did you steamroll my heart with your selfconfidence? There was no holding you back. I held you back somehow. Probably not right for your family. Maybe you had someone chosen. You didnt like my genes. I became too bitchy. I was horrible! What the heck was it that created the chasm of distance. Where you gay? I would still have been and would be your friend. I need not fear that. It isnt impossible. If only that honest could have existed and not have confused and compounded my confusion today. I want to clear these "lingering doubts of love lost". Before it is too late; do you understand love at all. Do you empathize at all? What is blank about you? Do you need an empathy hormone? Tell me...dont let the corporate world be your damn god!
9. This is way too random, and as usual, I go back to the stuck feelings rather than the full world I should know. I feel like something was ripped from my soul. Like those women that put their boyfriends through med school (ok there is spiritual and financial benefactors)..I thought I was giving everything I could but why was it not good enough? I wish I knew the truth, then I could get back to those revelations of world truths, rather than this individual truth which evades me until I know...the truth about why you left me emotionally blank turtle lake.
10. Random...you may have lost hair by now, gone gray, have wrinkles. Do you feel vulnerable. Will you ever? Did you steamroll my heart with your selfconfidence? There was no holding you back. I held you back somehow. Probably not right for your family. Maybe you had someone chosen. You didnt like my genes. I became too bitchy. I was horrible! What the heck was it that created the chasm of distance. Where you gay? I would still have been and would be your friend. I need not fear that. It isnt impossible. If only that honest could have existed and not have confused and compounded my confusion today. I want to clear these "lingering doubts of love lost". Before it is too late; do you understand love at all. Do you empathize at all? What is blank about you? Do you need an empathy hormone? Tell me...dont let the corporate world be your damn god!
continued 25 Random Things About Myself and Totally Inappropriate
continued Random Things....5=7/25 page 2....only appropriate material here...hope so!
5. Remember my favourite childhood things, Bugs Bunny (talking) Madame A GoGo (from my sister)telescope (to see the 60's moonshots) blue bike, plaid runners, anything Buster Brown, LEM models, gooey Hippo toy, Little Kiddles, Ken and Skipper (endless poetic rants about THEIR relationship), bubbleheaded barbie (borrowed from m sister)and flocked (get me right) dark hair (MUST be dark hair) Ken doll. Ooopik eskimo doll, Chippewa Mugwump (please dont ask me what this is),BC totem, BC mountain jade, ,Little Kiddles, (yes I still have these mementos, and others...except things I think were too sentimental to the point of creating a lack of breathing space. What is that? We must let go of childish things,the Bible implores us not to be hung up on material things...why? they (the chattels anothe word for shackles...) are very hold ya down..especially...when so therefore, why can't I? I mean, what am I really trying to hold onto? A dream which could never happen the way I had imagined? I really thing I believe in...predetermination. Heck I have absolutely no control (hardly at all) of what happens to me in my life. Why? Hmmm...good question and I am working on it. Maybe some things are unpredictable and unpreventable as I had believed there "are no such things" as accidents...that we determine EVERYTHING...what ever messed with the design then? It sure feels it could of gone a heck of a lot better. But really, I need to focus outside the outer me, the "things" me to the "inner me" ...the world within has more meaning...and are so much more important now...thank goodness. Thanking my childhood for people who gave me a feeling of "I'm ok, You're ok"....Now to learn more the art of philanthrophy...yes, I want to help others more than myself..the martyr syndrome rather than the "me me me"...which makes me so sick! I am big on how to make the world a better place for all now. We hold onto material goods when have not developed the inner world spirit. Materialism is the bane of mankind and I am really trying to work on getting the need and wants separated. Sure I want stuff just like the next person, I am no longer having to feel these "things" are vital to my happiness. I need to retrain the brain for this, it sure isnt a easy struggle. But well worth it; Trade material for spiritualism...yes, yes, YES!!!
6. Random thought...pets...the need for materialism or the need from the hormone oxytocin? Pets have been with us for so long they have survived beside us for millenia. Amazing! My pets are a focus of my energies and I love sharing with them. I know there is specially communication with animals and pets do have souls. They may even possess human soul attributes. I have had 5 dogs and numerous cats. Polly, Jason, Nibbles, Blackie, Bear, Belle, and a huge farm cat pedigree. The farm cats were a handful, and I adopted them once Miss Kitty had adopted me. Two turtles, Rock and Roll and Greenie (Bridgy took a hike from our outdoor pond)...nursed numerous wild animals, a blue eyed raven and artic finch (or sparrow). Had wierd animal experiences, snakes dropping through the ceiling and Bear attacked the milk snake, also had hermit crabs and fish. I love animals and plants and do have more luck with certain species. Polly was a collie and german shepherd mix, she had epilepsy, Jason was a rough collie (i thought scottish collie). We got Polly from a place in the country which oddly enough is near where I lived as a adult (Full Circle?). I love the cottage lifestyle, laid back, animals, farming. Less fuss, more living. I really would love to live in the old cottage we had in the 60's but somebody already lives there. When you find happiness hold onto it. It so quickly can change.
7. Random focus...I have to debate when I think randomly to negate the negative things that happened and focus on the positive. In this way, perhaps I can encourage more positive into my life. Although we do learn much from negative experiences, it isnt a place where I want to live "here and now". So I will focus on the "gold" rather than the "arsenic". I can relate to positive and negative. We grow through negative and I know it is important...but I dont want to bum out anyone who may be reading this. It will be for another day when I can get up to that...I just dont feel strong enough today to deal with all those zeroes in the minus category. It is not where I want my head to be "at". If you get my drift. Here is a random Happy thought! You in my Life...did I make you feel better? Did I produce some feel-good hormone? I hope so! Please come back for more, I really like you as my friend, but if you feel you dont want to be here, for any reason whatsoever, I completely understand. Please be as honest with me as I am with you. Then we are truly sharing friendship!
5. Remember my favourite childhood things, Bugs Bunny (talking) Madame A GoGo (from my sister)telescope (to see the 60's moonshots) blue bike, plaid runners, anything Buster Brown, LEM models, gooey Hippo toy, Little Kiddles, Ken and Skipper (endless poetic rants about THEIR relationship), bubbleheaded barbie (borrowed from m sister)and flocked (get me right) dark hair (MUST be dark hair) Ken doll. Ooopik eskimo doll, Chippewa Mugwump (please dont ask me what this is),BC totem, BC mountain jade, ,Little Kiddles, (yes I still have these mementos, and others...except things I think were too sentimental to the point of creating a lack of breathing space. What is that? We must let go of childish things,the Bible implores us not to be hung up on material things...why? they (the chattels anothe word for shackles...) are very hold ya down..especially...when so therefore, why can't I? I mean, what am I really trying to hold onto? A dream which could never happen the way I had imagined? I really thing I believe in...predetermination. Heck I have absolutely no control (hardly at all) of what happens to me in my life. Why? Hmmm...good question and I am working on it. Maybe some things are unpredictable and unpreventable as I had believed there "are no such things" as accidents...that we determine EVERYTHING...what ever messed with the design then? It sure feels it could of gone a heck of a lot better. But really, I need to focus outside the outer me, the "things" me to the "inner me" ...the world within has more meaning...and are so much more important now...thank goodness. Thanking my childhood for people who gave me a feeling of "I'm ok, You're ok"....Now to learn more the art of philanthrophy...yes, I want to help others more than myself..the martyr syndrome rather than the "me me me"...which makes me so sick! I am big on how to make the world a better place for all now. We hold onto material goods when have not developed the inner world spirit. Materialism is the bane of mankind and I am really trying to work on getting the need and wants separated. Sure I want stuff just like the next person, I am no longer having to feel these "things" are vital to my happiness. I need to retrain the brain for this, it sure isnt a easy struggle. But well worth it; Trade material for spiritualism...yes, yes, YES!!!
6. Random thought...pets...the need for materialism or the need from the hormone oxytocin? Pets have been with us for so long they have survived beside us for millenia. Amazing! My pets are a focus of my energies and I love sharing with them. I know there is specially communication with animals and pets do have souls. They may even possess human soul attributes. I have had 5 dogs and numerous cats. Polly, Jason, Nibbles, Blackie, Bear, Belle, and a huge farm cat pedigree. The farm cats were a handful, and I adopted them once Miss Kitty had adopted me. Two turtles, Rock and Roll and Greenie (Bridgy took a hike from our outdoor pond)...nursed numerous wild animals, a blue eyed raven and artic finch (or sparrow). Had wierd animal experiences, snakes dropping through the ceiling and Bear attacked the milk snake, also had hermit crabs and fish. I love animals and plants and do have more luck with certain species. Polly was a collie and german shepherd mix, she had epilepsy, Jason was a rough collie (i thought scottish collie). We got Polly from a place in the country which oddly enough is near where I lived as a adult (Full Circle?). I love the cottage lifestyle, laid back, animals, farming. Less fuss, more living. I really would love to live in the old cottage we had in the 60's but somebody already lives there. When you find happiness hold onto it. It so quickly can change.
7. Random focus...I have to debate when I think randomly to negate the negative things that happened and focus on the positive. In this way, perhaps I can encourage more positive into my life. Although we do learn much from negative experiences, it isnt a place where I want to live "here and now". So I will focus on the "gold" rather than the "arsenic". I can relate to positive and negative. We grow through negative and I know it is important...but I dont want to bum out anyone who may be reading this. It will be for another day when I can get up to that...I just dont feel strong enough today to deal with all those zeroes in the minus category. It is not where I want my head to be "at". If you get my drift. Here is a random Happy thought! You in my Life...did I make you feel better? Did I produce some feel-good hormone? I hope so! Please come back for more, I really like you as my friend, but if you feel you dont want to be here, for any reason whatsoever, I completely understand. Please be as honest with me as I am with you. Then we are truly sharing friendship!
25 Random Things About Me And Totally Inappropirate
1. Things I love...Truth. Truth being the centre of our Youniverse.Truth is Love. I know and have known and right now at this very moment I am writing this have Love within my core which is, I believe an unmoveable and unshakeable, constant feast for my beast. Love that love is bigger than anything in the Youniverse and is a neverending story for my neverending writing!
2.Thinking of the past a lot lately. Whenever I think of my first retentive memory, I am drawn back to the Popping push toy when I was about 4. I remember before this, but I really dont have many real intact memories before 4. Maybe I didnt connect the memory cell with the visual cell. But I know it is all in there, just needs a reboot by a skilled regressionist. Why am I wanting to connect to my past, when we all know the past is imperfect? Because in my mind, I can change the imperfect to the perfect world which always exists for me. I just put up with the crap...for now!
3. Random to me reminds me of a science field trip to the 60's Toronto (Downsview) Science Centre where I got to see for the first time red lasars and the way nuclear radiation bumped off one another in a "click-click" sound. It got me to thinking and certainly did stimulate my interest in science. If only I were as good in math and not a dumbed down as I wanted to be...NOT!
4. Randomly pursue my interests on the net, and connect again, to things that continue to interest me year after year. Need to connect to others and make a "Circle Tour" of my life reminds me of the time my Great Uncle Lou came to visit our hometown where he had grown up. He would drive around the downtown streets and remember those times as a child. Today I wish more than anything to do this. To reconnect my "child" mind with my "adult" mind and meet in the middle in a place where we can reconnect to self. Would I achieve an ephiphanies? I think so. I keep dreaming about the past, especially the place where I grew up, it always plays so prevalent in my dreams, night after night. Lately I have connected to a recent place, a farm which I am sure is loaded with deja vu feelings. I feel I have lived, in some form, in some other dimension, before. It is freaky when these multiYouniverses combine and the ephiphany (and other NOW HAPPENINGS) WAKE up the CONSCIOUS BRAIN to a NEW WAY OF SEEING.
TO BE CONTIUED...4 OF 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME ETC jajo
2.Thinking of the past a lot lately. Whenever I think of my first retentive memory, I am drawn back to the Popping push toy when I was about 4. I remember before this, but I really dont have many real intact memories before 4. Maybe I didnt connect the memory cell with the visual cell. But I know it is all in there, just needs a reboot by a skilled regressionist. Why am I wanting to connect to my past, when we all know the past is imperfect? Because in my mind, I can change the imperfect to the perfect world which always exists for me. I just put up with the crap...for now!
3. Random to me reminds me of a science field trip to the 60's Toronto (Downsview) Science Centre where I got to see for the first time red lasars and the way nuclear radiation bumped off one another in a "click-click" sound. It got me to thinking and certainly did stimulate my interest in science. If only I were as good in math and not a dumbed down as I wanted to be...NOT!
4. Randomly pursue my interests on the net, and connect again, to things that continue to interest me year after year. Need to connect to others and make a "Circle Tour" of my life reminds me of the time my Great Uncle Lou came to visit our hometown where he had grown up. He would drive around the downtown streets and remember those times as a child. Today I wish more than anything to do this. To reconnect my "child" mind with my "adult" mind and meet in the middle in a place where we can reconnect to self. Would I achieve an ephiphanies? I think so. I keep dreaming about the past, especially the place where I grew up, it always plays so prevalent in my dreams, night after night. Lately I have connected to a recent place, a farm which I am sure is loaded with deja vu feelings. I feel I have lived, in some form, in some other dimension, before. It is freaky when these multiYouniverses combine and the ephiphany (and other NOW HAPPENINGS) WAKE up the CONSCIOUS BRAIN to a NEW WAY OF SEEING.
TO BE CONTIUED...4 OF 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME ETC jajo
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